Gets better and better - Crazy EX has decided to miraculously rename our daughter!

mikeouk

imho only reason a mother should try to change a childs surname from that of the father, is if the father is absent and never likely to return or want any part in the childs life.
The OP has every right to be angry, his ex isnt doing this for the good of the daughter, its blatantly a dig at him.
OP, I know from personal experiance how frustrating your situation feels, i went through years of battles with my ex over my son, but she can no longer use him as a weapon because hes now old enough to make his own mind up. I now have shared care. I know its easier said than done when frustration and anger set in to be calm, but things get easier as the child gets older, she will grow up knowing her dad loves her and cares, and thats really all that matters.

Kimitatsu

Hi

Legally she has done nothing wrong so far. Your daughter can be "known" as one name but still legally have your name. You see it all the time in secondary school on trip forms - they have the name of the child and then the legal name as it appears on the passport!

As you have said currently she is only 3, so whatever reasons your ex has for changing her name currently when she is a little older why not let her choose for herself? As long as you are not denied contact then it sounds to me like she is rattling your cage as much as anything.

Legally she cannot change your daughters name without a letter of consent from you, and then it has to be done by deed poll. The courts are VERY reluctant to let one party change the childs name without the consent of the other, as it maintains a link with the absent parent (no matter how absent) so she would either have to purjure herself by saying she had no contact with you or go to court and explain why it was so important (then you would have the option to put your side of the argument).

Becles

ses6jwg wrote: »

It just seems like the whole world is out in support of single mothers, and single fathers are painted as useless, optional add-ons who can just be bullied and pushed aside on a whim.

To be fair it works both ways.

I have two boys who are now 13 and 11. Since my ex left, I've married and had a daughter. Me, husband and their sister have a surname, and they have my ex's surname.

As my ex has chosen to have very little contact with them and he has hurt the boys with his behaviour, neither of the boys want his surname. They both really want to change their surname to my husbands.

However, ex has PR and has said the only way he will allow them to change their surnames legally is if I agree that he no longer has to pay child maintenance for them.

As I don't see why he should get away with not contributing to his childrens upbringing and we rely on the maintenance, I've compromised with the children. They are known as our surname in day to day life, but legally they still have his surname. I've said I will help them change their names legally when they are 16.

It's so annoying when my chooses to have nothing to do with their day to day upbringing, yet he can still control their lives and upset the boys with his actions.

cazziebo

OP, I completely understand how hurt and angry you are. Don't let this become an issue that drives you further away from your daughter.

I changed my children's names to mine when my ex and I split. I did not do it to upset, control, hurt or get back at him, but because I had an overwhelming desire for us all to to have the same name. I hadn't changed my name on marriage, mainly for professional reasons, and I did at one early stage after the split think of changing my name to his - but that would have been too odd!

To his credit, he saw my point of view completely, and was very supportive. We have never had a problem with passports, bank accounts etc. The only issue was a trust fund where I had to supply a letter and proof of my older daughter's old and new names. DD2's fund has just matured and there was no issue at all with getting the cheque for that one.

If ex had objected, I think I would still have made the change. My daughters are half mine - they have as much right to carry my name as they do their dad's. What I do think is sad is when childrens' names are changed immediately to the new boyfriend in an attempt to shut dad out of their lives.

fly_dragon_fly

ses6jwg wrote: »

As is usually the case on this forum.... any request for advice from a single father gets battered into submission by a woman scorned....

I'll go to Families Need Fathers me thinks.

I don't want her name changed because that's her name. That's what she was given at birth and that's what I want it to stay as until she gets married.

I don't give a stuff how the ex "feels" about it because she brought the whole situation on herself.

I love my daughter and want the best for her. I don't believe changing her name is in her interests. The end.

imagine you were your daughter.

mum breaks up with dad but has dads name, mum then finds a new bloke and 5 years down the line has a new partner and child, you have different surnames and people know you aren't true siblings, i know that kids are so petty and a girl at school got really picked on just for having a different name to her brother, her mum was called all the names under the sun and it was cruel and horrible for her.

when i had my son i was only 16 but was adviced by everyone not to take the fathers name so i didn't and when i get married my son with be double barreled because although his dad is a waste of space he still see's his grandparents and i wouldn't want to offend them.

its not all about you love its about whats best for your daughter and if i was your ex i would have done the same because i would think of the future.

brians_daughter

op glad to see you ahve calmed down now from your initial postings.

Your ex can ask for your dd to be called any name she likes. Legally (as you already know) she cannot change this without your permission as you have PR.
Out of interest how long have you been seperated? You sound like you are still stinging from a relationship breakdown, maybe she is the same? Mentally, if she can have school calling dd by her name she may feel she has made a 'break' from you, I know you say that you dont care about your ex, but you have to care about your ex in order to ensure your dd has the best start in life she can get (it took me a while to get my head round this with my kids but it is 100% true and in time you will see this. Happy primary care giver (in this situ mummy) = happy, secure child.

I know it is hurting you, but for the moment shes doing nothing legally wrong, although morally that is each to their own (esp if breakdown is recent).

Big deep breaths, concentrate on you and your dd. Her name is irrelevant in teh grand scheme of things (although i know you disagree with this comment at this moment in time) - its love, support and a sense of belonging that matters at the moment for her. Once things have calmed down you can speak to ex about this. If your dd is using her mothers name for now then i would advise that you also use it to dd i know you will hurt by doing this but IMO i would torment myself everyday of the week if it meant my children were being spared confussion and upset.

You sound like a father who is concerned for their child and wants the best for them. You hang in there and be the best dad you can be for your dd... thats what she needs atm x

a8amg

ses6jwg wrote: »

I am sorry for appearing angry before.

I've been through a lot, and yes I have been bitter but all I want now is what is best for my little girl.

It just seems like the whole world is out in support of single mothers, and single fathers are painted as useless, optional add-ons who can just be bullied and pushed aside on a whim. We have feelings as well you know, and some of us are single fathers out of no choice of our own.

I have calmed down now, I've decided to write a letter, just setting out why I feel what she is doing is disadvantaging our daughter. I've also made a second formal invitation for mediation, which I have no doubt will be refused.

In the end, daughter is only 3 so will repeat parrot fashion.

If we told her her name was Scooby Doo enough times she would start saying that was her name!

I have no doubt that when she gets older she will be able to make her down decisions when presented with all the facts.

I've been there! seen it done it with my Ex....

From what I have learnt, If you have PR she is NOT allowed to officially change her name without your permission.

My Ex could and did, as I didn't have a PR inplace to stop her, (My child was born early 90's) I did, evenually get one, even though she tried to stop me getting it.

Also from my experience..... Your child will develop a stronger bond to you than the PWC... wait till she a little older, and can understand family trees, show her yours, your family history....
My son, without me knowing asked for his name to be changed back, to whats on his birth cert... Daughters do far a stronger bond to their fathers then mother (Generally).

Try not to let her get you angry, I know its hard, but concentrate on your daugher, things have a habit of turning out good evenually. My son now lives with me, is known by my surname....

Mothers do get have the world on there side, and it isn't fair, especially for Fathers that care and want to fulfill their roll in their childs life.

On the other hand I also apprieciate if both parents get 50% vote on every issue concerning their child, there would be many disagreements...

SingleSue

My boys and myself still have the same surname as my ex husband, I could not see the point in going back to my maiden name to be honest, too much hassle and it had been my identity for far longer than my maiden name had been.

However, my eldest son decided at age 14 he wanted to have my maiden name, I wouldn't give permission (he would have had a different name to his brothers and more importantly, his father is still his father) and obviously, neither would his father but now at age 16, he is going to be changing it very soon as no permission is needed from either of us.

Middle son has also stated that the day he is 16, he will also be changing his surname to my maiden name...only the youngest has plans in keeping with our family name.

The first time eldest used his new surname on Facebook, ex hubby went ballistic saying I had poisoned him against him until eldest (in his very grown up way now), pointed out the reason he was changing was not because of any pressure from me but because he was a crap father and didn't deserve to have his surname carried on (he rarely sees the boys, is not interested in them etc - you can cover it up when they are small but that is impossible once they get older and can use the phone and internet themselves) and that, rather than encouraging him to change his name, I had actually encouraged him to keep his surname.

It will absolutely destroy ex hubby when middle son changes his name, he was always the favourite, a real daddies boy but nothing I say is changing middle sons mind..he is intent on changing it as he feels badly let down...I think I will take cover for a few weeks!

DVardysShadow

ses6jwg wrote: »

I am sorry for appearing angry before.

I've been through a lot, and yes I have been bitter but all I want now is what is best for my little girl.

It just seems like the whole world is out in support of single mothers, and single fathers are painted as useless, optional add-ons who can just be bullied and pushed aside on a whim. We have feelings as well you know, and some of us are single fathers out of no choice of our own.

I have calmed down now, I've decided to write a letter, just setting out why I feel what she is doing is disadvantaging our daughter. I've also made a second formal invitation for mediation, which I have no doubt will be refused.

In the end, daughter is only 3 so will repeat parrot fashion.

If we told her her name was Scooby Doo enough times she would start saying that was her name!

I have no doubt that when she gets older she will be able to make her down decisions when presented with all the facts.

As a bloke, I am very aware of this forum being mostly female. And it is where all the battered wife questions turn up. And the abusive partners, debt abuse and secret gambler abuse.

But i would say they are at their hardest when it comes to a woman who is out of line.

I would agree with the poster who said you ex is winding you up. Let it go. Even if they manage to convince your daughter that her name is Scooby Doo, it is your daughter who is important above her name.

Probably your letter has gone by now. But you will probably come to this point a couple of times a year for the next 13 to 15 years, so get used to it. First of all, sleep on it before you post on here. Then sleep on it again before you write. And when you do write, the shorter the letter you write, the better.

I haven't got a draft in my mind, but I would set you a 120 word limit for the letter. It would be better for it.

clairehi

Facebook has got a lot to answer for if you ask me. People post things up there on a whim without thinking the consequences through and causes all sorts of disputes.