Gets better and better - Crazy EX has decided to miraculously rename our daughter!

angelicmary85

A very good friend of mine battled his ex through court for nearly a year, he spend thousand's of pound's on legal fee's just so he could be named on his wee boy's birth certificate.

In the end, he won and the judge told the ex that 'she's childish and has made herself look very silly' as her arguement for not letting dad see his son was 'he would get confused at seeing too many new faces'

I think the OP has every right to fight for he thinks is best for his child.

POPPYOSCAR

I understand your frustration.

It has more than likely been done to annoy you and it has obviously worked.Don't let her win by letting her know this.

Her name can only be changed legally by going to court and by your ex convincing the judge that you are no longer in your child's life, cannot be contacted and do not financially support her.If she applies for a passport etc she will have to use your name.

the_cat

But in this instance, all he would be fighting is effectively a 'nickname'. There is no legal standing and there couldn't be a legal change unless he gave permission (which quite rightly, he wouldn't)

I completely understand his upset (although as he was more than a little aggressive in his own defense, he made himself appear bitter and out to hurt his ex rather than protect his DD) but furthering an arguement would serve no useful purpose and is only likely to further harm the relationship between the poor girl's parents.

Obviously it is not what he would want. But how will 'kicking off' about it help the DD or change anything for the better?

ses6jwg

I am sorry for appearing angry before.

I've been through a lot, and yes I have been bitter but all I want now is what is best for my little girl.

It just seems like the whole world is out in support of single mothers, and single fathers are painted as useless, optional add-ons who can just be bullied and pushed aside on a whim. We have feelings as well you know, and some of us are single fathers out of no choice of our own.

I have calmed down now, I've decided to write a letter, just setting out why I feel what she is doing is disadvantaging our daughter. I've also made a second formal invitation for mediation, which I have no doubt will be refused.

In the end, daughter is only 3 so will repeat parrot fashion.

If we told her her name was Scooby Doo enough times she would start saying that was her name!

I have no doubt that when she gets older she will be able to make her down decisions when presented with all the facts.

POPPYOSCAR

ses6jwg wrote: »

I am sorry for appearing angry before.

I've been through a lot, and yes I have been bitter but all I want now is what is best for my little girl.

It just seems like the whole world is out in support of single mothers, and single fathers are painted as useless, optional add-ons who can just be bullied and pushed aside on a whim. We have feelings as well you know, and some of us are single fathers out of no choice of our own.

I have calmed down now, I've decided to write a letter, just setting out why I feel what she is doing is disadvantaging our daughter. I've also made a second formal invitation for mediation, which I have no doubt will be refused.

In the end, daughter is only 3 so will repeat parrot fashion.

If we told her her name was Scooby Doo enough times she would start saying that was her name!

I have no doubt that when she gets older she will be able to make her down decisions when presented with all the facts.

I don't blame you for being angry. I have seen first hand how children can be used as a weapon. I feel for fathers sometimes as they do get a raw deal when it comes to their children. Try not to let things like this get to you in front of your little girl it has a very detrimental effect on children later on. Feel free to vent on here - I don't mind!!!!

mookiandco

The courts view a child's surname as part of their identity - in other words it reflects who their father is if they have their father's surname. The Courts do put alot of importance on a child's surname and it cant just be changed on a whim or because you are no longer together or mother wants it to fit into her new family. I would get your solicitor to write a letter to her and also write to the school to request that under no circumstances should your daughter be called anything else.

You are part of your daughter's life and her surname reflects this. I can understand why you are angry - a change of her surname is not just that - its basically sticking two fingers up at you and saying 'see how easy it is to obilterate you from her life'.

I've seen it many times before where mother's start creeping a new surname into a child's life - first at home, then at school (you start seeing it on their excercise books and swimming bag, then GP etc etc until basically your surname is wiped out and to trying to change it again for the child would be confusing and you feel you have no choice but to leave it.

I would strongly advise nipping it in the bud now. Those who have given you a hard time clearly would have no objection to someone changing their children's names without asking them.

delain

That was a much more logical and well balanced post by the OP :T

My ex partner would go mental if I tried to change my kids' names from his, but I wouldn't do that, it's their family name!

She may be trying to wind you up, just don't rise to it.

I do find it annoying when I get referred to as Mrs. xxxxx too btw.

When this bubs arrives there will be a sibling with another surname again, and tbh my kids aren't phased at all.

I've been asked by them about it, along the lines of 'why is my surname xxxx and yours is xxxx' I just said 'xxxx is my name, xxxx is your name. that's just how it is' and haven't had a peep since.

Jo_R_2

Reading between the lines, despite the reasons you've given, I do think that your real reasoning *is* to keep some control over the situation you find yourself in (no judgement intended.) I think when you said you don't want her name changed because 'that's her name' you meant you don't want her name changed because 'that's her name and it's my name too' because let's be honest here, if your DD had your ex's surname and wanted to change it, you wouldn't feel exactly the same would you?

Obviously I can't comment on the situation directly not knowing what happened. Though I do echo what others have said in that anyone can call themselves anything - however changing a name legally is a completely different thing and AFAIK your ex wouldn't be able to do this without your consent.

With regard to the confusing the child issue. Both my DDs have two surnames, mine and then their dad's, so DD1 is [for example] Sarah Smith Jones. At various points in her life she has been called any variation upon this name (she's 6 now) and my personal experience is that she has never been confused - from the point she knew mummy was called Mummy onesurname and Daddy was Daddy twosurname she's never been confused about being called by one surname or the other. At the mo incidentally she calls herself 'Sarah Jones' when she's putting her name on schoolwork and whatnot but has called herself 'Sarah Smith' previously when writing her name.

Edited to add: just saw your last post and I think your last sentence is ultimately the best thing you can hold onto, however that turns out. I've always said since I split with DDs' father that if DDs want to pick one surname instead of two then they will be able to choose themselves which they want.

UKTigerlily

Could it be that your Daughter wanted to change her name? My Stepsister has two Daughters by two different men, they each had their Dads surnames & Stepsister has the surname of her oldest childs Dad who is her ex Hubby. Younger child got upset as her Mum & Sister had a different surname & she felt left out so Stepsis has changed it so they all have the same surname, only because younger Daughter was getting upset, not as a one off but for a long time now.

Your ex can't change it legally as you have PR, she'd have to egt your permission, but you can call a child any name you like so long as it's not for fraud etc, I changed my surname once & didn't have to do it officially unless I wanted my passport changing, I just wrote to my bank etc to tell them from x date I am x surname.

You can't stop her Mum calling her anything she likes but I think a letter to her explaining how you feel could help, if the Mum is changing what she calls her for her own reasons then IMO that's wrong, if the child is happy with their surname they should keep it, and if not their Dad, wherever possible should be told she wants to change it if the child does & why. Whatever happens please remember though a surname isn't a sign of ownership, she's still your Daughter & if she doesn't want a new name, her Mum will have to answer to why she changed it in years to come, I have a Stepdad & would've hated my Mum if she'd given me his surname even if it wasn't done legally & was just a 'known by' name!

bestpud

We only have your side of the story, obviously, but I think she is wrong to change her surname FWIW.

However, I can't help thinking you aren't helping the situation for your dd.

You will always be her dad and it is the time and effort you put into that which she will remember, not a name change.

Likewise she will remember the arguing and bad feeling more than a name change!

Keep your cool, don't rise to the bait and eventually your dd will realise what's what, I've seen it time and again - children aren't stupid and do work out who is the bad egg in the end.

Let her enjoy being with you - she won't if she senses all this tension with her mother and she certainly won't if she feels she is being used as a pawn.

Take the moral high ground and let her mother 'hang' herself as she surely will if she is as 'crazy' as you say she is.

Incidentally, it is often the other way round and the father is the 'crazy' one - it's no less frustrating for women in these cases.