Sometimes I feel I won't get things in life til much older

onlyroz

Well I got married at 22 and had my first child at 25. Of my university friends (all of us around the 30-ish mark) I'm *still* the only one to have had kids, and very few of them have married.

vixarooni

Well im 23, nearly 24. My partner is the same age. Weve been together almost 5 years so were quite similar! For the past few years ive always been saying id like to get married, we rented a flat for a year and a half and now live with his parents in our quest to save for a mortgage. I've been certain this is what i want, but in the last 2 months ive done a complete U bend and now i dont want any of it. I have this realisation i feel too young and tied down to be living the way i do and struggling to save an impossible £24,000 that we need to save for a house.

Its funny how life works...im shocked in myself that i have had this complete change of heart so you never know how your boyfriend will feel in a few years time. 24 is still really young to be getting married, have a house and babies ect... If its meant to be it will be, perhaps hes against it because it doesnt feel right for him? Who knows. Maybe you both need to be a bit more open and upfront about how you feel within the relationship... at least you might feel a bit more on the same page.

GEEGEE8

Fang has a habit of posting absolute rubbish

Kate78

onlyroz wrote: »

Well I got married at 22 and had my first child at 25. Of my university friends (all of us around the 30-ish mark) I'm *still* the only one to have had kids, and very few of them have married.

Haha, I'm on the other side of this one - 31 and almost all of my university friends are now married with bumps, babies and small people.

I am still unmarried and child-free.

To the OP - does it matter what "everybody else" is doing? Life is for living, not comparing and keeping up with the Joneses?

I think that Make-it-3 has some good advice for you. :T

Fang_3

redding wrote: »

Yours is the only useless post in this thread, I've never wanted to change him.

Uh huh. So why do you want him to marry you and have children when he's said that he doesn't want any of that?

redding wrote: »

Hi everyone, this is been on my mind a while.

Basically, when me and OH started out he was your "commiment-phobe sterotype" from the movies. 3 years later, we are living together but it is still difficult to get him to talk about marriage, kids etc.

I think deep down I am still insecure (not about him leaving, more that 5 years down the line he's going to turn round and say "actually I don't want kids. Ever") after he admitted on holiday 2 years ago he didn't believe in marriage or kids. We very nearly split up as I am pro-marriage and I'd like to be married before having kids.

At the minute, people from school are getting married, sorting out mortgages (we're only 24! :eek:) and I feel like I'm going to be an "old bride" or he won't be ready for kids until he's in his 30s and I won't be able to conceive. lol I'm a real worrier! Always thinking about the future.

We're starting our house deposit plan in September, hopefully in a few years have enough to buy a place, then after that look to getting married.

That's my plan anyway. He dislikes talking about it in great detail, and as a result I've brought the subject up LOADS lately, watching Four Weddings and then when I ask for his input he's like, "eh?".

I know I need to stop bringing it up, but I'm scared I'm going to be too old to have the things in life I want.

What is the average age for house owning & marriage these days?

All input most welcome! Just need to voice my thoughts so to speak. Thanks for reading til the bitter end

Odette

Yeah like, Im all up for thinking positively but he did state he didnt believe in either? Right? Or what exactly did he say? Have you discussed it since?

When I met my current bf/partner, I made it very clear that I wasn't having children. Luckily he was of the same opinion. When things started getting serious, I tentatively asked "Do you think we might get married in the future?" again luckily he said yes. Not like a proposal! More like testing the waters like you obviously have tried to also. If either of these things he said no to I would have had serious reservations about continuing the relationship as these are things I would like to (not) do in the future.

I do know what you mean though, i'm 24 and totally marriage horney, though when I think about it in any depth I freak out about how much money it is so... Maybe its just an age thing.

I hope I haven't come off harsh but I've seen friends try and convince themselves of something that will happen that is clear isnt a possibility and its so sad

southoftheriver

I'm 25, unmarried and still at school! Well uni, but it feels like school sometimes. I watch my friends who I went to school with, and lots have children although few are married. Sometimes I do feel underpressure to have done those those things too, because had I not done such a long university course I would have liked to have had children by now.

But just as I am sometimes wistful and broody, my mummy friends sometimes confess that they are envious of my freedom. They all love their children dearly but the grass can be greener in some aspects. I am trying to focus on doing things I really want to do (like travel where finances allow), so that when the time comes I can feel ready to settle down without being resentful about things I haven't done.

When I was in a relationship my ex would get very cagey when I asked him about the future, I couldn't be with someone who didn't want the same things as me, but you need to decide how vital it is that he declares his intentions right now. Not an easy thing to do.

All the best

hngrymummy

Whilst I agree that you are still young and have a whole lot of time ahead of you, you do need to think at some point about whether you want the same things as each other. If you really really want marriage, and he doesn't, one of you will have to compromise and may end up resenting the other. It's not a small compromise to make.
A friend of mine had been in a relationship for years and years. She wanted kids at a young age, he wanted to wait till he was 40. She always assumed that he would change his mind, he didn't and she felt that she couldn't wait till she was 40 for kids. They loved each other a lot, but neither loved the other enough to compromise on their dreams and future plans.

Give him a break on the subject for a bit, and enjoy being with each other with no mention of marriage and kids. Then, at a good time (pick carefully) sit down and discuss properly your wishes for the future and his wishes for the future. Don't use subtle hints like films, magazines etc. Men have a habit of not getting subtle hints, and then you'll get upset that he hasn't noticed.

Odette

redding wrote: »

2 years on and we've since discussed it and his views have changed, he does want marriage and kids...just a lot longer down the line than what seems to be the "norm" amongst friends and colleagues.

Ok well that sounds a bit more positive!

As someone who isnt taking the normal route i.e. sprogging. Then let me tell you nothing is normal. My best friend is a lesbian and she's taking to me about sperm doners and I think that's pretty normal compared to me! Dont sweat it, enjoy the ride! I think Im a bit like you in the fact Im a bit of a control freak, I like to have a plan and stick to it, but everyone here is right, who knows what will happen, good advice for both of us:beer:

Odette

Oh and in terms of buying a house, its going to be about 3 more years for us, but I am the first person in my age friendship group to mention it. So, were probably a bit ahead of the crowd.