Sometimes I feel I won't get things in life til much older

redding

Sorry, had to delete my original post!

emsywoo123

Ah, don't panic

I had plans once upon a time then life dealt me something totally different.

I am a single pregnant mum at 29, DD is nearly 7, DS due in October, which I would never have planned for, or thought I wanted, but I am happier now than I have ever been!

So, um, I think there is a point to my post, hang on! :rotfl:

Oh yeah, just chill. Plans are ok, but are not the be all and end all. Be grateful for the things you have right now, don't eternally be wanting.

pigpen

Some people don't ever get married.. and why would they? and why should they? I am in the middle of a divorce and have no intention of remarrying and (thankfully) OH is of the same opinion. I think you have to respect it is not something he wants.. he may change his mind.. or he may not..

Buying houses.. we got our first house at 18 and our second house at 30.. it depends on your circumstances and finances and needs.. not everyone needs to leave home at 18.

So what if everyone is doing stuff now and you aren't.. their circumstances are different, they are different people.. be thankful for what you do have, you can't have everything overnight!

Chill... and enjoy being young and having the freedom to do as you please for a few more years.. don't be in such a hurry to tie yourself to a home and children.. as rewarding and wonderful as it is there is more to life!

emsywoo123

pigpen wrote: »

Chill... Piggers I get excited when we give the same advice! and enjoy being young and having the freedom to do as you please for a few more years.. don't be in such a hurry to tie yourself to a home and children.. as rewarding and wonderful as it is there is more to life!

Ah, spot the one fed up with pregnancy today :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

julie03

the marriage and house are stuff that are not important, the house is just a house but the having children thing is important, you both have to agree that you want them, because if you really want them and he doesnt and you end up not having them because of him you may end up resenting him,

as i say the rest is unimportant

pigpen

redding wrote: »

Hi pigpen, thanks for your input! I would have a problem with this as he has stated he does want the same things as I do, only a lot later in life.

I knoe marriage and kids isn't for everyone, I don't want a kid anytime soon but preferably when it's still relatively easy to conceive, my mum was in her early 20s when she had me and I love the relationship I have with her, I don't want to be an "old" mum, waiting around until he's good and ready!

And thank you emsy, I think sometimes I need outsiders to sit me down and tell me, "everyone else might be getting married, but it doesn't make you a weirdo if you're not!" The mentality of my old school seems to be graduate>marry>kids and I'm the same age as these people! Just boggles my mind

My OH said he wanted children in about 10 years time.. last year.. baby arriving any day..

I had trouble conceiving DD1 at 19.. so while fertility starts to decline you do not become infertile on your 35th birthday *points at bump!* I was told 3 years ago there was no way I would conceive as I was menopausal.. there is never a guarantee it won't happen (unless of course there is good hard proven medical evidence.. like a hysterectomy for example!) I understand what you mean about waiting for him to be ready.. if we waited until we were ready the human race would be long in the past!

You are not weird for not being married or having children.. and you are making plans to get you there.. you have another 15+ years to have children..

Men are not known for their decisiveness and sometimes we do just have to say look.. this is what I want and it is happening.. they object a bit then think about it and usually agree.. they just need a bit of a shove occasionally.

Save for your house and see where you are at once that is done!

emsywoo123

redding wrote: »

And thank you emsy, I think sometimes I need outsiders to sit me down and tell me, "everyone else might be getting married, but it doesn't make you a weirdo if you're not!" The mentality of my old school seems to be graduate>marry>kids and I'm the same age as these people! Just boggles my mind

Same as, when I had DD, all of my friends from school were at uni! :eek::eek:

I lost touch with them, sort of found myself with a new circle of "older" mums (most of my friends 10 yrs+ older than me now) and now I am pregnant again and all at sea, as they have finished breeding :rotfl::rotfl:

Many times (particularly shortly after DD) I thought "this is so not where I am meant to be in my life" but now, it makes sense, and despite not ticking any of the boxes I set for myself earlier, I genuinely am in the best position I have ever been, emotionally, mentally and spiritually calm. Which for me, is a big deal :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Hermia

I think the right age is the one that is right for you. Most of my friends have not settled down until their 30s/40s. And I don't know many people who can afford to buy property in their 20s, but I live in London/SE and there is still a huge gap between house prices and salaries.

redding wrote: »

I feel like I'm going to be an "old bride"

I think the potential longevity of the marriage is more important than the age of the bride! A friend of mine who is in his 40s said he got very worried in his 20s that all his friends were marrying and he was still single. He said he has since spent his 30s & 40s watching many of those same couples divorce. Don't feel too envious of your marrying friends as the chances of them all still being married in 15 years time is not that likely.

If you are sure you want children in the next few years you do need to try and find out whether he doesn't want children at all or just doesn't want them now. You don't want to be one of those women who just wait around forever and nor do you want a man who has been nagged into marriage and children when he didn't really want it. I think you need to really think about what YOU want as at the moment you seem to be very influenced by what is happening to your friends and what your chap wants. Then make some plans, but don't set them in stone as life does have a habit of taking us into totally different directions to those we expected.

spaghetti_monster

Definitely second emsy and pigpen to not worry so much.
I'm just pregnant (almost 9 weeks) and am 37 going-on 38. This was not exactly "the plan"... In my perfect world early 30's would have been better, but life didn't work out like that for me...

Although I feel quite young, it wasn't my plan to be an older mum (thinking about the energy I'm going to need.....) but although it's a cliche I do feel much wiser and experienced than I did at 24.
I'm really happy where I am right now and wouldn't have wanted to have kids when I was 24 - I'm glad I did what I did then. (Having fun/travelling/working on career)

Jo_R_2

When I was a little younger than you, my life plan in my head went as follows:

School> Uni > Career > Meet lovely guy > Buy house and get married > Have two kids at age 30

So far (I'm early 30s now) it's happened as this:

School> Uni > Meet ex > Child at 26 > Job not related to uni > Another child > Horrible relationship break up and single mum > Made redundant and horribly depressed > Meet OH > Baby > Lots of renting but no buying > Another baby due

So - no career/house buying/marriage just yet:D

I must concur with emsywoo, at one point a few years ago I thought, "this isn't how it was meant to happen" but now I feel very strongly that things WERE supposed to happen how they have, every little bit, to get me to where I am now.

I don't think there is anything wrong at all in 'worrying' about the future, making plans and thinking about what you want from life. I also don't think there is anything wrong in wanting to know what your OH wants - and if it's the same as what you want - thinking of marriage and kids here. You are entitled to an answer - even if that answer is "not now but in the future".

Just do be aware that things may not go to 'plan' - I still don't have some of the things I want because I'm not in a position to have them yet. That doesn't mean I won't have them, we're working slowly towards them now, albeit a little later in life that I first thought. I don't think people are buying houses until their 30s now anyway are they?

I'd pick a good time and have a decisive chat.

emsywoo123

Jo_R wrote: »

I must concur with emsywoo, a.

Aaah thanks, no one ever concurs with me, I rarely say anything sensible enough :rotfl::rotfl:

So much of what the OP said rang true for me a few years ago. I think it's totally normal to have these thoughts, but I'm a great believer in things occurring for a reason