Help, I don't know what to do!!

Horasio

Rosie75 wrote:

Also just thought to add that if you do feel you still want to help him out financially but not have him take you for granted and waste your money, you could secretly put the money you are currently giving him into a savings account for him instead and give it to him at some later date when he really needs it for a house or something?

I had thought about that

Horasio

Double post

Horasio

kittykate wrote:

Sweetheart if you want help then please don't resort to childish, personal digs. The poster was trying to help you. With regards to the strike I know for a FACT the following things:
1. People were available to help us during the strike. All lecturers were. The gave academic advice, they just couldn't give the grades for your work. I know this because I have just finished university and my university was affected by the strike.

2. the lecturers were extremely upset about having to strike so there is absolutely NO NEED to resort to them kind of digs. The situation has been resolved and I'm sure everything will be ok when uni starts back up in a few weeks.

3. you're son and you can blame outside factors, such as the strike, all you like but the fact of the matter is - it is his own fault if he has to do retakes. He hasn't worked hard enough to pass his exams. Help was available, he should have gotten it.

So, please, if you want advice then do not respond in such a way to any advice that goes against what you want to hear. If you want to hear that we all think you are doing the right thing by wrapping your son in cotton wool then you are in the wrong place. Sorry, but you've really got my back up by that comment.

KK

That tlc didn't last long and I don't relish your childish response either. I wasn't digging at you, so why get involved? Unless you have some constructive suggestions to my dilemma.

Her response to what I said later is more helpful and she could see what I was saying, without thinking I was digging at her.

I do not wrap my son up in cotton wool and I am not blaming the lecturers but he did mention how much the strike was stressing him when he did talk to us. Half the lecturers weren't available when he did ask for help.

We hardly give him any money, only a VERY basic survival income. But I am not going to defend my parenting skills to anyone!

I was asking how one would deal with a teenage son who for the first year was fine at uni, then the second year not so fine. We didn't change anything in our behaviour, so it was down to him.

What works with a 7 year old is different to a 17 year old male who won't open up very often if they are having difficulty.

You have really got my back up too:mad:

I certainly don't need this stress on top what I am going thro either

Horasio

Rosie75 wrote:

Sorry, I didn't mean to cause offence and I certainly don't resent your wealth! If I resented everyone who was better off than me, I'd spend a lot of time being bitter! I would also like to point out that I did not take industrial action this summer, but that's beside the point. Though I should also point out that it extended only to setting and marking exams and should not have precluded your son's lecturers from being available if he needed help.

I do find it telling, though, that the students I see failing are invariably those whose parents are helping them out financially so they don't have to work during term time, whilst those who work part time (often 15-20 hours) during the term seem to have more of an investment in their education. I have certainly not heard of anyone not having a job during the summer holiday (and I teach a subject which attracts well-off types ). Perhaps I am just slightly jaded from seeing some of the consequences of 18-year olds with cash to burn - I have seen more than one case of parents thinking they are helping their child to eat properly or pay the rent by giving them money and the money has actually fuelled a drug habit. But obviously this isn't the case here, and I guess no one would help their kids out if they worried about that.

Dealing with students at this age can, as you say, be difficult as they are not schoolchildren. Yet they have not really found their feet as adults either, and many of them struggle to adjust to university life. I am welfare officer in my department and am often surprised that it's the ostensibly most confident-appearing students who come to me in tears and say they are struggling with the social and academic aspects of university life. It's often the ones that look best on paper (exemplary A-level grades and references) that come unstuck, too. Motivation can also be a problem, particularly in humanities subjects where the contact hours are relatively few and the student is expected to undertake a high amount of independent study (study groups can be good for dealing with this if your son has friends on his course). Perhaps this is just a period of adjustment for your son, perhaps he feels demoralised that he hasn't done as well as he expected (students frequently go from being the top of their school to becoming one of many similar students at university and find this difficult to deal with) and perhaps he is throwing himself into socialising to deal with this? If he is at home a lot, that might be a warning sign that he is not settling in at uni, or might be depressed (depression is extremely common amongst the student population). Of course I am only speculating based on my experiences and you will have a better sense of this than me. Is he happy doing the course he has chosen? If not, can he change, or opt to do some of his modules in a different department next year. I do think it's worth broaching the subject with him - I know you do not relish the prospect of an argument about money, but there may well be something else underlying. If it is a problem with university life, then your son will have a personal tutor who can be called upon to offer advice and help him to deal with any problems. If you have no joy with them, go to the head of department. I occassionally have parents contacting me when they are worried about their offspring - for confidentiality reasons we cannot tell them anything without the student's consent, but I do make sure that if a parent has raised something with me that I keep an eye on the individual in question.
I'm sorry again that my previous post caused offence.

Thank you for your positive response. It is difficult dealing with a male who won't open up. My husband has a degree in the subject our son is studying and has offered help but won't ask.

I lived in Oxford for several years and saw my fair share of arrogant rich students - my son is nowhere near as nasty as they are.

He hardly has any money from us and to my knowledge he isn't dipping in but feel as he is 18 he should be making more effort to help himself but how do you motivate them to do that without being too harsh?

feesh

I wouldn't have dreamed have asking my parents for money when I was home from Uni (although they did support me with a lump sum each term for rent etc - this was before significant student loans were available). I had always had a part time job since I was 13 and I stopped getting an allowance when I was 16, so I'd been brought up not to expect much in the way of financial help for luxuries. When I came home in the hols I just went back to my old pub job, often working 70 hours a week - I enjoyed it and it came with a good social life. I know I would have got a right rollocking if I'd been cheeky enough to ask for money! Especially for going out!!!!!

I did have a car at Uni but it was just my old banger I'd bought for £350 when I was 17 (earned in my pub washing-up job). I rarely used it - I don't know which Uni he is at but I would be VERY surprised if there isn't some form of student transport, or a better place for him to live nearer campus. Is he at Wyw College in Kent? That's the only one I can think of where a car MIGHT be helpful but I do know people who went there and were OK without one.

Also, it is pathetic of Uni students to blame their lecturers for their results. The biggest difference between Uni and school is that you are no longer spoon fed. Lecturers can point you in the right direction of what you should be reading, but if you only rely on what info you get from classes and lectures, you'll never get good grades. Extra reading is what counts, especially in the sciences - you need to be in the library digging out research papers pretty regularly to really shine in the exams.

There are always some modules which have crap lecturers but you can either use that as an excuse and not do well, or realise that your future is more important than that and get off your backside and help yourself to pass that module.

I hate to say it but your son sounds very immature and if he doesn't get his wake-up call now, from you, he will get it some other way at some point in his life. You'd be doing him a favour by getting tough now. Even if you lose him a bit for a few years, you'll see the benefits when he blossoms into someone responsible and ambitious.

It might help his love life too - these are qualities I adore about my OH My ex was more of a mummy's boy and it drove me away from him in the end, he needed a mother not a wife!

feesh

PS I also raided my savings account while at Uni and it is something I've kept hidden from my parents, not that its any of their business, and I feel terrible about it. I had nothing left of it by the time I left.

But I'm saving again now and I feel proud of that. Its not the end of the world if your son raids his. In fact the sooner he does, the sooner he'll realise that money doesn't grow on trees as my Dad used to say! There are bigger things at stake here than his savings account, like his maturity and the strain he is putting on you.

viktory

I agree with the majority. Whether it causes a row or not it is time to lay it on the line.

Tell your son that you love him very much,but it is time for him to support himself and that he needs to get a job.

My 15 yo son worked through the summer holidays for extra pocket money and is more than capable of a whole host of household chores - I like to think that his future wife will thank me one day! I have also told my son that if he gets rubbish GSE results then we will not support him going to college - he will have to get a full time job and support the household. My attitude is that if he wastes his free education, he is not going to waste any more time when he could be earning.

Time for tough love - for your sake as well as his.

bestpud

My uni was affected by the strike too and the lecturers were as available as they ever are. The only difference was delayed results, athough my lecturers went out of their way to ensure everone was offered feedback, even though they couldn't actually give a grade.

It sounds to me, although I may be wrong, that your son is having problems with some aspect of uni. If he spent a lot of time at home, he may have been avoiding lectures etc and if he was worried about the standard of his work, then he would be very stressed about waiting longer for the results.

But then it could just be that he doesn't want to spend time working when he can do all he wants without having to lift a finger and he isn't motivated to work hard at uni because he's having his cake and eating it!

Perhaps you could get him to speak to someone at student welfare? The financial advisor would help him with budgeting etc. Also, lecturers may have time now (before the semester starts) if he wants to iron out any academic issues - perhaps just to find out when and how they will make themselves available for students in case he wants to contact them later on or get some feedback on his work so far?

I have to say as well that I'm about to start level two and we've been warned that the second year involves much more self-directed study. He possibly found this transition hard if he lacks motivation?

Good luck - I'm sure you'll work something out,

Bestpud

Rosie75

The second year is often the year which students have most difficulties with, mainly because motivation levels can dip (it's suddenly not the novelty the first year was, but there isn't the impetus of the final year). However a few not-so-great grades this year are usually redeemable in the final year - a lot of unis / depts "weight" their courses so that the final year counts for a greater % of the overall degree. This is aimed at the OP, btw - don't take that as an excuse to slack, bestpud

Rosie75

CCStar wrote:

Thank you for your positive response. It is difficult dealing with a male who won't open up. My husband has a degree in the subject our son is studying and has offered help but won't ask.

I lived in Oxford for several years and saw my fair share of arrogant rich students - my son is nowhere near as nasty as they are.

He hardly has any money from us and to my knowledge he isn't dipping in but feel as he is 18 he should be making more effort to help himself but how do you motivate them to do that without being too harsh?

Sometimes it is necessary to be a bit harsh, even if it's not in your nature. University allows for a taste of 'real life' with the backup of a university infrastructure and (hopefully, but not in all cases) parents if things go wrong. It is a good idea to use this safety net while it is available than to continue with the status quo and perhaps leave a young person to discover the value of money later in life when the consequences will be much more dire (bankruptcy, repossession, adverse credit, £0000s of unnecessary credit card debt - all too common these days). I am sure he is intelligent enough to see that it is not fair for you to be funding his social life at his age (I'm sure his peers' parents won't be doing this). Tell him money is tight at the moment, you are having to rethink your spending and subsiding him was meant to be a temporary thing until he got himself a job.