Help, I don't know what to do!!

Horasio

We are on the verge of doing something, as we are waiting on the results of our son's retakes.

My husband is taking his new job soon and I hate were we live, neighbour troubles etc.

Sometimes, I was to take my half and get my life before I get too old. I feel I am existing just now.

kittykate_2

***hugs*** CCStar, it doesn't sound like you're being appreciated much right now. Just want you to know that we are all here for you if you want to talk. ***big hugs***

kkx

Rosie75

CCStar wrote:

We are on the verge of doing something, as we are waiting on the results of our son's retakes.

You are helping your son out financially whilst he's at uni and he still fails his exams? That should tell you something. I don't want to sound harsh, but I teach at a university and every year I see the same thing: it's always the well-off students, with the spare cash to party, get drunk every night and take drugs that end up failing, dropping out or scraping through with a mediocre degree. They have never had to take responsibility for anything.
Also, no one needs a car at uni, do they? All universities are in big cities.

Horasio

Rosie75 wrote:

You are helping your son out financially whilst he's at uni and he still fails his exams? That should tell you something. I don't want to sound harsh, but I teach at a university and every year I see the same thing: it's always the well-off students, with the spare cash to party, get drunk every night and take drugs that end up failing, dropping out or scraping through with a mediocre degree. They have never had to take responsibility for anything.
Also, no one needs a car at uni, do they? All universities are in big cities.

You do sound harsh. I am asking for some help here!

I feel a sense that you are criticising our parenting skills and resenting our wealth.

I shan't go into the trauma thousands of students felt this year when the lecturers took industrial action during crucial stages of their studies. When my son wanted to get help with difficult subjects, and there was no-one available and waiting longer than needed for important exam results. We cannot be held responsible for that.

He has started this partying lifestyle since July, after he broke up from uni.

He did seem to be at home a lot this last year but assumed he was using the time to do assignments in his room. He passed most subjects but had to retake some others. We are awaiting those results.

The uni is in the country, not in the town centre. The bus service is very limited to his uni. He had a horrible commute to uni before he could drive.

He is not a schoolboy anymore and can't use the same methods that were used at school. He was very conscientious at school and did very well in his exams when he was at school.

Lecturers and teachers have years of training dealing with students, so what do you suggest is the best course of action to deal with teenage students who are at uni?

Rosie75

CCStar wrote:

You do sound harsh. I am asking for some help here!

I feel a sense that you are criticising our parenting skills and resenting our wealth.

I shan't go into the trauma thousands of students felt this year when the lecturers took industrial action during crucial stages of their studies. When my son wanted to get help with difficult subjects, and there was no-one available and waiting longer than needed for important exam results. We cannot be held responsible for that.

He has started this partying lifestyle since July, after he broke up from uni.

He did seem to be at home a lot this last year but assumed he was using the time to do assignments in his room. He passed most subjects but had to retake some others. We are awaiting those results.

The uni is in the country, not in the town centre. The bus service is very limited to his uni. He had a horrible commute to uni before he could drive.

He is not a schoolboy anymore and can't use the same methods that were used at school. He was very conscientious at school and did very well in his exams when he was at school.

Lecturers and teachers have years of training dealing with students, so what do you suggest is the best course of action to deal with teenage students who are at uni?

Sorry, I didn't mean to cause offence and I certainly don't resent your wealth! If I resented everyone who was better off than me, I'd spend a lot of time being bitter! I would also like to point out that I did not take industrial action this summer, but that's beside the point. Though I should also point out that it extended only to setting and marking exams and should not have precluded your son's lecturers from being available if he needed help.

I do find it telling, though, that the students I see failing are invariably those whose parents are helping them out financially so they don't have to work during term time, whilst those who work part time (often 15-20 hours) during the term seem to have more of an investment in their education. I have certainly not heard of anyone not having a job during the summer holiday (and I teach a subject which attracts well-off types ). Perhaps I am just slightly jaded from seeing some of the consequences of 18-year olds with cash to burn - I have seen more than one case of parents thinking they are helping their child to eat properly or pay the rent by giving them money and the money has actually fuelled a drug habit. But obviously this isn't the case here, and I guess no one would help their kids out if they worried about that.

Dealing with students at this age can, as you say, be difficult as they are not schoolchildren. Yet they have not really found their feet as adults either, and many of them struggle to adjust to university life. I am welfare officer in my department and am often surprised that it's the ostensibly most confident-appearing students who come to me in tears and say they are struggling with the social and academic aspects of university life. It's often the ones that look best on paper (exemplary A-level grades and references) that come unstuck, too. Motivation can also be a problem, particularly in humanities subjects where the contact hours are relatively few and the student is expected to undertake a high amount of independent study (study groups can be good for dealing with this if your son has friends on his course). Perhaps this is just a period of adjustment for your son, perhaps he feels demoralised that he hasn't done as well as he expected (students frequently go from being the top of their school to becoming one of many similar students at university and find this difficult to deal with) and perhaps he is throwing himself into socialising to deal with this? If he is at home a lot, that might be a warning sign that he is not settling in at uni, or might be depressed (depression is extremely common amongst the student population). Of course I am only speculating based on my experiences and you will have a better sense of this than me. Is he happy doing the course he has chosen? If not, can he change, or opt to do some of his modules in a different department next year. I do think it's worth broaching the subject with him - I know you do not relish the prospect of an argument about money, but there may well be something else underlying. If it is a problem with university life, then your son will have a personal tutor who can be called upon to offer advice and help him to deal with any problems. If you have no joy with them, go to the head of department. I occassionally have parents contacting me when they are worried about their offspring - for confidentiality reasons we cannot tell them anything without the student's consent, but I do make sure that if a parent has raised something with me that I keep an eye on the individual in question.
I'm sorry again that my previous post caused offence.

belfastgal

I totally agree with letting them stand on thier own two feet.In son's first year we paid for everthing , allowance , car, tax , insurance , petrol , accomodation , mobile , shopping....even cooked all at the weekend to take back with him along with all his clean washing.He didnt work and i was xhausted every sunday by the time he went back.
Needless to say things changed in year 2. I got my life back and He got a part time job. amazing what they can do when they have to.......I am here if he needs me......

Rosie75

Also just thought to add that if you do feel you still want to help him out financially but not have him take you for granted and waste your money, you could secretly put the money you are currently giving him into a savings account for him instead and give it to him at some later date when he really needs it for a house or something?

rchddap1

Lecturers and teachers have years of training dealing with students, so what do you suggest is the best course of action to deal with teenage students who are at uni?

I'm afraid you have to let your son get on with things. If my parents paid for literally everything I would have been very content to continue taking it and wouldn't have bothered working for any reason at all. However, they set boundaries in that they'd make sure there was a roof over my head, but after that it was all my responsibility.

I learnt a huge amount about budgeting financially, independent living, working for what I wanted etc.... over and above my course. When i finished Uni I was an independent person who could stand on their own two feet. I could recognise that debt was a bad thing and something to be avoided where possible. You learn far more at Uni that just the course topics. However, by supporting a student too much you end up destroying that second part of learning. Whist at Uni a person can gain many life skills, but with parents still there if something goes terribly wrong.

I didn't need to fall back on additional help from my family, but they would have helped me if I'd have asked.

You need to let your son go and sink or swim....but be ready to pick up the peices if he needs you. No-one is saying that you are a bad parent, just that we understand that it is hard to let go when that time has come

Lady_E

I have read this thread with some interest and I do feel for you. However I do think that for your OWN wellbeing you will have to both sit DS down and explain a change in the family circumstances indicating that all money is now fully accounted for ,and the money you were giving him has now been put back into the pot. This age, is a critical age in learning the value of money . I think the sense of achievement you get from buying and paying for something with your own money , is a life skill that has to be learnt from an early age. I also think it will give him self confidence,particulary as he has had a bad time of it recently , girlfriend/exam problems .
The most important thing is you both being there for him and if it makes you feel better you could always do food parcels with perhaps a few Tesco gift vouchers inside so at least you know he is eating well .

kittykate_2

CCStar wrote:

I shan't go into the trauma thousands of students felt this year when the lecturers took industrial action during crucial stages of their studies. When my son wanted to get help with difficult subjects, and there was no-one available and waiting longer than needed for important exam results. We cannot be held responsible for that.

Sweetheart if you want help then please don't resort to childish, personal digs. The poster was trying to help you. With regards to the strike I know for a FACT the following things:
1. People were available to help us during the strike. All lecturers were. The gave academic advice, they just couldn't give the grades for your work. I know this because I have just finished university and my university was affected by the strike.

2. the lecturers were extremely upset about having to strike so there is absolutely NO NEED to resort to them kind of digs. The situation has been resolved and I'm sure everything will be ok when uni starts back up in a few weeks.

3. you're son and you can blame outside factors, such as the strike, all you like but the fact of the matter is - it is his own fault if he has to do retakes. He hasn't worked hard enough to pass his exams. Help was available, he should have gotten it.

So, please, if you want advice then do not respond in such a way to any advice that goes against what you want to hear. If you want to hear that we all think you are doing the right thing by wrapping your son in cotton wool then you are in the wrong place. Sorry, but you've really got my back up by that comment.

KK