Help, I don't know what to do!!

Savvy_Sue

I've got a 19 yo student cluttering up the house who's been doing his old very part-time job through the summer. And he's seen his friends a few times. And guess what? He hasn't once asked me for any money. Just as well since he wouldn't have got any!

And I've got a 16 yo who's been doing a paper round for a few years now, two in fact, one on Sunday mornings and the free paper once a week. He's seen his friends a few times as well. And guess what? He hasn't asked me for any money either - although as he's still at school I've offered him his bus fare, to make sure he's got the change he needs for it.

It wouldn't be a debate in our house. It would be a factual statement of circumstances. "We have less money coming in, you need to get a job because we can't afford to subsidise you any more."

the older lads do their own laundry. I'll do the main shop, but if they're passing the shop and we need something I'll ask them to buy it. (Come to that, DS1 hasn't even asked for the money he spent on bread and milk the other day!) They do the washing up, and they cook if I ask them too. They do any jobs they're asked to.

Or they leave.

Horasio

We agreed he will get money for petrol and basic food at uni. Going on the bus would cost him/us the same and he has a car now. No extras!

Thank you for your replies

cornbuddy

I think you need to let your son know that although you are there for him, you are not his personal bank. When my daughter started uni she managed to get a student loan, this has to pay some of her uni costs and she has to make it last. She has always been reluctant to get a job whilst at uni, stating that she needs to study!!! Fine I said, but you won't be able to do much once the money has run out, hence until she receives her next installment she has to stay in or go places that do not cost any money.

I always feel that kids today expect so much from parents, but at the end of the day, once they reach 18 they should stand on their own two feet. It may seem selfish, but once they reach adulthood my financial job is done!

lynzpower

Its true Cornbuddy.

My parents gave me too much for too long. The majority of the debt im in is owed to them They havent helped me learn the value of money or how to budget, and they did that by being overgenerous.

You are not doing your kids a favour by providing over and above the basics, im living proof of that!

rchddap1

I would immediately stop paying him. Essentially you are rewarding him for sitting around, doing not a lot, and not getting a job. If he chooses to spend the 'savings' then there is nothing that you can do about that....as it is his money.

Leave him to it.

jamminjamaica

make him start supporting himself or he will never learn. my husband and i are in are late 20's we are currently buying our second home. we have a friend the same age as us and his parents have always given him money. he has never had to end for himself and frankly he knows his parents will always bail him out.

there is a difference between supporting your child and SUPPORTING your child. be there for advice etc but you need to sit him down and state clearly that he is now an adult and needs to start acting like it. sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

sorry if i sound harsh but i have always paid my own way and feel so much more independant for doing so.

coletteflaherty

I agree with everyone above. I am 25 and always paid my parents rent (albeit not a lot) when I lived with them.

And the idea of getting socialising money, I didn't even think to ask for it. Got a job in Asda when I was 17!

Because my brother who is three years older than me went to uni, he never had to pay a thing, which I always found unfair, but anyhows. He's still at home paying a pittance and living off mum and dad, and me and bf are out in the real world. We've bought and sold a house, and bought again. I feel more like a "grown-up" than he'll ever be!

coolio_2

If this is his attitude towards money, do you really think that those savings will make it to the end of university anyway? Tell him to pay for his own fun. When I was off from uni I worked, as did ALL of my friends.

he is taking advantage of you, and I'm sorry to say, you're not teaching him careful money management.

freebie_junkie

imo you need to stop paying his way, then if he dips into his depist money he will be bugred when he comes to buy a house wont he? hes a man, he needs to grow up and stop behaving like a child and take some responsibility. its great to be old enough to go out and have a good time, but with that comes the responsibility of having to earn your own cash to do it. (im only 23 btw, im not just having a go at young people!!)

lil_me

I think the best thing you can do for him is let him stand on his own two feet. I know so many people who's parents have given them everything they can then when they have hit the real world they can't cope and go running back again and again to the parents. Running back to Mummy is something I think on a regular basis with especially male people I know, including those with families, and they do it because the parents allow it to happen. Worst part is when I see parents say oh just come back home, then within months maximum saying well it was just a stop gap and you need to grow up and do something.