Help, I don't know what to do!!

Horasio

My husband has taken a permanent job which will be less pay.

Our son is off uni until October and doing nothing about looking for part time work. He was given a car from my mother and we are expected to shell out for petrol to socialise and is not finding work or doing much to help us around the house etc.

I understand, he wants to have a life but he is out all the time and asking us to shell out. He split from his girlfriend in June after going out for nearly 4 years. We let him go out in July and paid for it so he could get over it. Trouble is, he is still doing it and we are getting really fed up with his lazy attitude.

OK, I have been advised to stop the money, but we feel blackmailed, as he has savings for a deposit in his own account that has been building since he was born. So if we stop the money, he could dip into that and have nothing by the time he needs it. He is 18, an adult and the account is his. I can see why people didn't get anything till they were 21 but I was an adult 18 year old and was glad to have my freedom.

I don't know what to do and his attitude is 'I want fun and don't like being in all the time'. I feel over a barrel:o

Bossyboots

CCStar wrote:

......... his attitude is 'I want fun and don't like being in all the time'.

Thats fine. Next time he says this tell him he has to pay for it. Then tell him you want fun as well so from now on he will have to get his own meals, do his own washing and earn his own money. If he uses all the money he has, there is nothing you can do about it and he is old enough to take a telling and act like an adult.

I know it is really tough but there comes a point when you need to take a stand.

bonnie_2

Agree he is an adult, why do you feel the need to pay for him.
If you don't stop now, believe me you'll still be doing it in 20 years time.
As long as he has a roof and food, he'll soon get a job.

blessings3

CCstar you sound like a really nice person so why are you being so cruel to your son?

You will end up resenting and ruining your relationship with him long term - lend him a bit of your strength now and say no and you will make him a much stronger and life resistant adult

davsidipp

got a son at uni whos just finished first year he came home early in june because he ran out of funds.did warn him to look for part time work but he is such a lazy a**e all he wanted to do was to go out enjoying eating out and going to local pubs this year he and his girlfriend have taken on a house at 600 pound amonth rent so he knows he has to get a job or end up giving up going to uni .some of the youngsters today dont value money at all and need a good reality check. i still laugh now before he went uni and thought if you owned your own house you didnt pay any more bills what a cushioned life some of our kids lead!

Donegal_Paul

blessings3 wrote:

CCstar you sound like a really nice person so why are you being so cruel to your son?

Its called LIFE!

My god why do people have this attitude that you should support your kids until the grave nearly!

The OP said one very relevant phrase "He is 18, an adult.."

Thats it, he's old enough to vote, have sex, buy ciggies, drive.

!!!!!!!

Look, my parents brought me up with a simple philosophy.
Do well at school, leave and get a job, make your way.

When I left, i had a few months were i could get no work, and i refused to go sign on, i couldnt do it, i was too ashamed!
It wasn't long til i got into something so im glad about my parents practical outlook and love them both dearly for that!

Also, my kids are being brought up in exactly the same manner, and ive told them when they move out, im moving house, to one with less bedrooms so they cant come and sponge off me!!

blessings3

Donegal_Paul , My post was obviously not clear to prettily worded I think maybe- I think she is being cruel to her son by putting up with his bad behaviour- She will end up resenting him if she doesnt say no to his crap now and he will end up a layabout who thinks the world owes him a living - That better LOL?

You get treated how you let yourself be treated

Horasio

We wanted to support him thro uni but him to get a part time job whilst at uni. We don't intend to support him forever

hobo28

CCStar, he's 18 years old and needs to start learning that he has to stand on his own two feet. He won't do that if you're there paying for him all the time.

Once he's skint and there's no money then yes he might spend the money he has in savings but he also needs to learn that life has consequences. If he spends it then later he won't have any when he "needs it". TOUGH

You need to cruel to be kind. You are NOT being unreasonable expecting him to pay for his own social life. You are undoubtly spending money paying for him to go to Uni and a roof over his head when he's at home.

Cut him off and do it now! Expect shouting and emotional blackmail but stand firm!

Horasio

Bossyboots wrote:

Thats fine. Next time he says this tell him he has to pay for it. Then tell him you want fun as well so from now on he will have to get his own meals, do his own washing and earn his own money. If he uses all the money he has, there is nothing you can do about it and he is old enough to take a telling and act like an adult.

I know it is really tough but there comes a point when you need to take a stand.

He is never here for meals and I pop his stuff in the wash as it is as easy to do ours as doing his but it doesn't get ironed. Believe me, we don't do an awful lot for him. With our money going down, we feel he would benefit from finding work in lots of ways.

My husband is getting really peed off with it and so am I - we don't know the best approach, as getting nasty will cause a row which gets us nowhere but don't want to keep coughing up either

hobo28

Actually I've just thought. You know what the RIGHT thing to do is. The problem is how you are going to tackle it.

Personally I think that a row is inevitable as you will definately receive the full force of a teenage strop. Stand firm together and just tell him straight. He's 18 years old, as parents you provide a roof over his head, bills etc. whilst he's at Uni. Money for socialising is no longer your problem.