Has anyone's boyfriend ever fallen in love with other women?

hngrymummy

He's not running rings around you intellectually. He's just doing exactly what some 'historians' do. He's picking and chosing which evidence he uses to support his case. You can do the same if you wish. I'm sure there is a glut of evidence that supports your ideal.

I do not feel emotionally limited by being monogamous with my husband. I feel liberated to have someone that loves me above all other women, and not having to worry about whether he will leave me for another woman he's 'fallen in love with' tomorrow. Love can be directed. He can choose to say "I am with you, I might fancy her but I don't have to take this any further" Or he can chose to say "I fancy her, so I'll take it further".

Certainly I can see a lot of cases where manogamy is not ecomonically beneficial. If it was, DH would not have married a poor indebted ex-student with a badly paid job like me . He's just told me that he's never been so poor!

He is playing with your emotions and trying to make you live his ideal life, ie having his cake and eating it. If you're ideal life involves a long-term (forever?) partner that loves you above all others, then you need to look elsewhere for it, he does not fit your bill. And from your posts it certainly sounds like you want 'forever' and not just 'for a while until someone else come along, and to make sure it happens I'll be keeping an eye out, oooo she looks pretty'

I might seem hard to make a break now, but will be far harder to do it in the future. Book yourself a holiday NOW. Get your things sorted. Make the break and then have a holiday to give yourself time to grieve the end of a relationship. Then get out there and do the things you enjoy doing. Somes a hard break up can make you do surprising things (I went to Ireland for a weekend on my own, raised £900 for charity by abseiling, had my hair cut very short and bought my first house. I had the time of my life for a year, although it wasn't always easy).

Stay strong and stick with your ideals. Don't compromise for anyone else.

Poly,put_the_kettle_on

Op, you may or may not be constrained by societal expectations- only you know that. It may be that you're naturally monogamous- in either scenario, you'll need to move on. Your boyfriend is clearly "wired" as poly, and at least he's been honest with you about that.

However, you're talking. It seems to me that he wants you to understand- and that you want to. The feelings you're having stem from jealousy- completely understandable. But as we all know, jealousy is an incredibly negative, destructive emotion. The fact that you haven't immediately burned his clothes & changed your facebook status to single, says to me that it's worth you doing some soul searching before making a decision.

Once upon a time, we had a "sexually" open marriage. The ground rule was "no emotional ties" (I'm cutting a very long story short here!) However, I fell instantaniously in love with someone I spent the night with- and no, it wasn't lust as much as he wanted to, he couldn't bring himself to do the deed with a married woman. Conversations were had, there were some tough times emotionally, and quite a few tears.

My husband dealt with the situation with amazing maturity. We worked through the jealousy, and are much stronger for it. Fast forward 6 and a bit years...my "other" other half is part of the family. The nature of his job means he's away months at a time, so I see little of him, but he just "fits" here. The very first time he came to stay, I remember worrying that he might not feel at home. Ten minutes later I literally tripped over him when I opened a door to find him sprawled on the carpet, colouring in with my then 4 year old. He's part of the furniture.

You'd be amazed at just how "normal" most polyamourists are. If you decide to go it alone, then try to see it as an opportunity to expand your knowledge of the human race.

Personally, I don't believe that humans are naturally monogamous. In fact, I'm pretty sure that once upon a time the word would have meant to mate for life. What we have now, at best, is serial monogamy. We live in a society where having several simultaneous, consenting partners is frowned upon...and yet divorce & remarriage when someone else takes your eye has been normalised. There's something pretty screwed up about that in my book.

That said, please don't see it as "your problem." I'm impressed by the way you're listening to him, and understanding some points he's making. However, THE problem may just be that youre too different. Poly or Mono, neither is better than the other in my opinion, you just need to be you, and be happy.

hurt_2

Poly,put_the_kettle_on wrote: »

Op, you may or may not be constrained by societal expectations- only you know that. It may be that you're naturally monogamous- in either scenario, you'll need to move on. Your boyfriend is clearly "wired" as poly, and at least he's been honest with you about that.

However, you're talking. It seems to me that he wants you to understand- and that you want to. The feelings you're having stem from jealousy- completely understandable. But as we all know, jealousy is an incredibly negative, destructive emotion. The fact that you haven't immediately burned his clothes & changed your facebook status to single, says to me that it's worth you doing some soul searching before making a decision.

Once upon a time, we had a "sexually" open marriage. The ground rule was "no emotional ties" (I'm cutting a very long story short here!) However, I fell instantaniously in love with someone I spent the night with- and no, it wasn't lust as much as he wanted to, he couldn't bring himself to do the deed with a married woman. Conversations were had, there were some tough times emotionally, and quite a few tears.

My husband dealt with the situation with amazing maturity. We worked through the jealousy, and are much stronger for it. Fast forward 6 and a bit years...my "other" other half is part of the family. The nature of his job means he's away months at a time, so I see little of him, but he just "fits" here. The very first time he came to stay, I remember worrying that he might not feel at home. Ten minutes later I literally tripped over him when I opened a door to find him sprawled on the carpet, colouring in with my then 4 year old. He's part of the furniture.

You'd be amazed at just how "normal" most polyamourists are. If you decide to go it alone, then try to see it as an opportunity to expand your knowledge of the human race.

Personally, I don't believe that humans are naturally monogamous. In fact, I'm pretty sure that once upon a time the word would have meant to mate for life. What we have now, at best, is serial monogamy. We live in a society where having several simultaneous, consenting partners is frowned upon...and yet divorce & remarriage when someone else takes your eye has been normalised. There's something pretty screwed up about that in my book.

That said, please don't see it as "your problem." I'm impressed by the way you're listening to him, and understanding some points he's making. However, THE problem may just be that youre too different. Poly or Mono, neither is better than the other in my opinion, you just need to be you, and be happy.

Can I just ask - I don't mean to sound rude, but how do you know that your husband didn't feel emotionally blackmailed into accepting your lifestyle choice?

Poly,put_the_kettle_on

hurt wrote: »

Can I just ask - I don't mean to sound rude, but how do you know that your husband didn't feel emotionally blackmailed into accepting your lifestyle choice?

I'll try to explain- but explaining the dynamic of a 20+ year marriage isnt easy...

To start with, he was the "Instigator" of our open relationship, and subsequent marriage. It worked, and we bimbled along happily.

I didn't "choose" the Poly lifestyle, tbh (although there are many who do) I just happened to fall in love with a second person. We became Poly by accident, I guess. I'm a very giving person (yeah yeah, snigger away ) and have been a flipping good wife to him, and we have a lot of respect for eachother. Hubby also has a lot of respect for the "other" guy- and could see why I'd fallen for him.

I guess, just like it would be selfish of a partner to try to stop someone seeing a close friend who they love being with, similarly, hubby wants me to be as happy, and fulfilled as a person as I possibly can be. Not being with either of them would be a huge loss. And of course, the two of them get along brilliantly, and enjoy eachothers company greatly too.

Even now, I don't know if I consider myself Poly by nature- I certainly am not/would not look for another partner. I guess I just happened to meet Mr Right twice- and was lucky enough to be in a relationship where I didn't have to do the "grass is greener" thing.

Did I even answer the question?:o

hngrymummy

Do you have children with both of them?
How is it for your children with your husband, to have another man kissing mummy?
I hope you take appropriate protection, as your husband and lover may well be sleeping with other people too.

OP make your decision based on your ideals. Do not be talked around to his ideals if they are not what you want. By all means listen to him and hear what he has to say, then tell him that HE has to listen to you and what you want to say. Do not do what he wants just because you have invested so much time in this relationship. Sometimes it's wise to cut and run and sustain small losses rather than keep investing and lose far more (pride, self-worth, health).

Poly,put_the_kettle_on

hngrymummy wrote: »

Do you have children with both of them?
How is it for your children with your husband, to have another man kissing mummy?
I hope you take appropriate protection, as your husband and lover may well be sleeping with other people too.

OP make your decision based on your ideals. Do not be talked around to his ideals if they are not what you want. By all means listen to him and hear what he has to say, then tell him that HE has to listen to you and what you want to say. Do not do what he wants just because you have invested so much time in this relationship. Sometimes it's wise to cut and run and sustain small losses rather than keep investing and lose far more (pride, self-worth, health).

I was sterilised before meeting my lover. As far as the younger children are aware, he's my best friend- it's not all about sex- there's no need to be hands on in front of them. They are only unaware, by the way, because of the prejudices they would face at school if they let it be known- and I don't doubt they would :cool:. We'd be entirely happy for them to know otherwise. Our eldest knows, and couldn't be happier for us all. There's a chance he may even be going off with him for several months at the end of next year, on a trip of a lifetime via a "bursary" through his work. Damn my being too old. *sulk*

Thanks for your concern, but my husband carries protection with him (just in case) and my lover has no desire to sleep with anyone else- but if he did have, I'd be the first to know. Openness, communication, trust & honesty are the watchwords in our relationship.

That said, I agree with the rest of your post. I'm not here to extol the virtues of Poly relationships. They don't work for everyone, just as Mono relationships fail for so many. What I am extoling the virtues of is communication, honesty, and understanding that one size doesn't fit all.

jackieglasgow

Wow I am a bit gobsmacked by all that. Well done for being so honest and forthright about your life Poly. It definitely would not be the life for me, although I do know someone else with a very similar set up at home to yourself.

Poly,put_the_kettle_on

jackieglasgow wrote: »

Wow I am a bit gobsmacked by all that. Well done for being so honest and forthright about your life Poly. It definitely would not be the life for me, although I do know someone else with a very similar set up at home to yourself.

Thanks. We're happy, but you're right, it's not for everyone. On a lighter note though, it does lead to some amusing moments.

Emmzi

thank you for being so open poly. I have many happy poly friends, and although it isn't for me (right now, never say never) I hope peope can accept you are mature adults who have made your own choices which ae not wrong just because they are different.

Poly,put_the_kettle_on

Emmzi wrote: »

thank you for being so open poly. I have many happy poly friends, and although it isn't for me (right now, never say never) I hope peope can accept you are mature adults who have made your own choices which ae not wrong just because they are different.

Thank you. I don't often go about "explaining" myself- I don't feel the need (although there are times I feel it necessary to debunk some myths). But hopefully my experiences could help the op through a difficult time.

I'll shaddup now, unless theres anything else relevant to the op's situation. I'm in danger of sounding like an evangelical poly-nut.