Splitting up two weeks before the wedding...

gratefulforhelp_2

Hugs, honey. I was in this situation and should have called off the wedding but didn't.

I think you should consider postponing the wedding, to give yourselves time to get over your loss. DH was deeply affected by my recent miscarriage, and I think men's grief can be overlooked sometimes in this situation.

Good luck.

mikey72

minimoneysaver wrote: »

Are you sure that you aren't both grieving for the lost baby? You will both be trying to deal with the loss in your own way and you will probably still have surging hormones. Is there any way that you can take a step back to reflect properly? We have all experienced times when things haven't happened as expected and over-reacted to a given situation. When he says that he doesn't want to be close to you, is it because he is wanting to blame someone for the loss? It doesn't make it right, but it does give another perspective. To me, it sounds like you are both hurting and need space to grieve and cry.

I asked that, but the op didn't respond.
In fact her next post was regretting her partner hadn't called it off, as she didn't want to be the one that said it.
I think it shows she has already made her decision.
It's a bit like tossing a coin into the air to decide, heads you do, tails you don't. It doesn't matter how it lands, in that split second it's up there, it's how you want it to land that matters. The coin just takes the blame.

mwa

Hello,

Firstly sorry to hear you're having such a bad time. I have been in a similar situation so maybe can offer a little advice!

3 years ago we cancelled our wedding 10 days before the day - eeek! It turned out that my OH had been seeing a girl from work for a few weeks (similar to your situation, had feelings for her but didn't sleep together). We also had an 8 month old baby which didn't help.

Anyway, although cancelling it lost us a lot of money (still paying it off now!) and we had to let 120 guests down, it really was the best thing we did. It gave us a chance to save our relationship by having counselling and we eventually married the next year ) At the time I was half tempted to go through with it but I knew in my heart it would be the wrong thing.

How can you enjoy your big day knowing that things aren't right? Also if things do work out, you will always remember your wedding to be a time of uncertaintly and stress. You may even blame your OH for ruining it. If things don't work out then you will be facing a divorce which makes things a lot more complex.

I have a good friend who's OH told her a few weeks before that he wasn't sure he wanted to get married. They did get married and are still together now, but she confided in me that her wedding day was ruined because she wasn't sure he wanted to marry her.

It is a terrible situation and I know that the temptation is to put a sticking plaster on it and carry on, but I wouldn't recommend it. People will understand and nobody would want you to marry him just to save face etc.

Good luck xx

Slinky

Many years ago I had a friend who married a man when she knew she was doing the wrong thing, purely because it had all be organised and she didn't have the courage to call it off, she'd met somebody else at work and started to have doubts about her fiance being the right man for her. Sure enough it went wrong within months and they ended up having a very bitter divorce.

You'll only get the chance to have a first wedding once. Surely nobody can want to enter into marriage without being certain you're going to give it your best shot and that your other half is going to be too. Getting married and hoping for the best isn't the basis for a long road ahead together.

Pee

Just wanted to say thinking about you.

Just before I was 30, I split with my Fiance and felt that I couldn't start over again. I felt like I couldn't go on with him, but that I would never fall in love or have children in the future. I felt like I had wasted a lot of time hoping things would work out when it should have been clear to me earlier, as it was with hindsight, that things were wrong.

It might help to know that I am now very happily involved with someone else. That split has affected my views on marriage, to the point I wouldn't ever want to get married or tie my finances to someone elses, but that was how I had previously felt about marriage. We are trying for a baby and maybe it will happen and maybe it won't, but having a baby with my ex would have been a complete and utter nightmare for lots of reasons and one of them being that he would always put himself first and a good father can't do that.

I am sure that if you let this guy go, you will move on with your life and in five years time, you'll realise that not getting married and not staying with him was the best decision that you ever made. You have lost some money to date, but if you paid the deposit and you paid for the wedding, do you think he is ever going to be responsible enough to support you and a baby? If he doesn't know whether he wants to be with you, if he thinks someone serving him in a shop might be "the one", then I know what I want for you. Get advice from Shelter, CAB and/ or a solicitor and get him out of your life as cheaply as possible.

Wishing you all the best for your future.

worriedmumm2010

Its like reading my story here. Today is monday 28th of june and i am due to marry on 10th july. Today my fiance calls it all off and breaks up with me. I have a 2 year old daughter with him and whilst we have had problems we have always worked through it and come out stronger.
i havent told my mum or anyone yet. they are payin for the wedding and are going to loose all the money. I am so upset and embarrssed and i just feel like i actually want to die right now. If it wasnt for my daughter i dont know what i would do. I hve a mortgage and i work but how the hell am i going to cope on my own and how the hell can i forgive him and be civil for our daughter when i feel like he has ruined my life.
Im sending positive thoughts ur way and want u 2 know u r not alone.

brians_daughter

mikey72 wrote: »

It's a bit like tossing a coin into the air to decide, heads you do, tails you don't. It doesn't matter how it lands, in that split second it's up there, it's how you want it to land that matters. The coin just takes the blame.

Thats the best thing i have ever heard... i have never heard it being put that way, but you are SO right. OP best phrase/advice you have been given...think about it..and decide.

Personally, after going through a miscarriage myself, it is one of the most lonely times in my life. My oh ended up on prozac due to our miscarriage and holding it all in trying 'to be strong' for me. This isnt the time to get married, you have just suffered one of the greatest losses you will ever face.. you are morning something you never had, which IMO is worse than loosing 'a person' At least when someone died you have memories, with a miscarriage its like you loose all your hopes and dreams.

Now is the time to consoladate what you have together, if you cant do that then walk away - i wish you luck

Janey3

Just sending you a hug. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

mikey72 wrote: »

It's over. You know it, so tell him, and tell everyone else. Stop waiting for him to do it.

I have to agree with mike72's post, sad as it is, I fear this is the truth.

*Louise*

worriedmumm2010 wrote: »

Its like reading my story here. Today is monday 28th of june and i am due to marry on 10th july. Today my fiance calls it all off and breaks up with me. I have a 2 year old daughter with him and whilst we have had problems we have always worked through it and come out stronger.
i havent told my mum or anyone yet. they are payin for the wedding and are going to loose all the money. I am so upset and embarrssed and i just feel like i actually want to die right now. If it wasnt for my daughter i dont know what i would do. I hve a mortgage and i work but how the hell am i going to cope on my own and how the hell can i forgive him and be civil for our daughter when i feel like he has ruined my life.
Im sending positive thoughts ur way and want u 2 know u r not alone.

So sorry to hear that

I do think you really need to speak to your mum though. You can't be embarrassed, she's your mum and you need her xx

mrcow

worriedmumm2010 wrote: »

Its like reading my story here. Today is monday 28th of june and i am due to marry on 10th july. Today my fiance calls it all off and breaks up with me. I have a 2 year old daughter with him and whilst we have had problems we have always worked through it and come out stronger.
i havent told my mum or anyone yet. they are payin for the wedding and are going to loose all the money. I am so upset and embarrssed and i just feel like i actually want to die right now. If it wasnt for my daughter i dont know what i would do. I hve a mortgage and i work but how the hell am i going to cope on my own and how the hell can i forgive him and be civil for our daughter when i feel like he has ruined my life.
Im sending positive thoughts ur way and want u 2 know u r not alone.

I hope you've told someone by now? What an awful thing to have happened - but - better than after the wedding really. Yes they are going to lose money, but it's just money. Talk to your family and friends. They are there for you.