Splitting up two weeks before the wedding...

Person_one

Feanor wrote: »

Thanks for replying everyone, its really helped to get some outside perspective.

I don't know what else to say really, it just feels like I'll never be ok.

The next door neighbours house which is the same as ours has been for sale since January with not much interest and I don't think either of us can afford to move out.

I just wish he would say its 100% over, then at least I would know and can deal with it, but I feel we are in limbo. I'm not sure I have the courage to be the one to say its over and really stick to it. I can't imagine telling everyone, all my friends, workmates...they have all been asking about how exciting it is etc. I feel so stupid and humiliated. I can't just stop loving him just like that either.

Eurgh what a horrible situation.

Tell someone who loves you and who you trust, then its over and done with. With my break up, I doubted my ability to stick to my guns so I told my mum straightaway, then I changed my facebook status, and there's no going back once you've done that! Think of it as like ripping a plaster off, the anticipation of the pain is the worst part and if you do it quick its over before you know it.

You don't have to wait around for him to make a decision, make this the first action of the new, decisive, positive Feanor and make the break yourself. Do either of you have friends or any family nearby you could stay with for a bit? I can't say it enough that staying in the same house would be a bad idea. If you can't afford to move out properly then even if one of you just leaves for a week or two, by the time you come back things will be different because you've had that space from each other.

mikey72

Feanor wrote: »

Thanks for replying everyone, its really helped to get some outside perspective.

I don't know what else to say really, it just feels like I'll never be ok.

The next door neighbours house which is the same as ours has been for sale since January with not much interest and I don't think either of us can afford to move out.

I just wish he would say its 100% over, then at least I would know and can deal with it, but I feel we are in limbo. I'm not sure I have the courage to be the one to say its over and really stick to it. I can't imagine telling everyone, all my friends, workmates...they have all been asking about how exciting it is etc. I feel so stupid and humiliated. I can't just stop loving him just like that either.

Eurgh what a horrible situation.

It's over. You know it, so tell him, and tell everyone else. Stop waiting for him to do it.

*Louise*

First of all, I am sorry for your loss and I am sorry you are going through this. Your partner should be your rock (and you his) when something tragic happens in a relationship. He should be supporting you through this, not burdening you with doubts and worry over his indeciceveness.

Feanor wrote: »

Basically he says he loves me, but he has no desire to kiss me/cuddle me etc and feels unhappy often. He said he's not sure what he is supposed to feel like and that he doesnt know why but it just doesn't feel right.

At the moment we are going around in circles. When I say lets cancel the wedding, he insists we should just carry on and 'see what happens' which I just think is absurd and of course I don't want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry me. So when I agree and say ok, lets carry on, he gets into a great depression, is stroppy and snappy and generally acts like its the end of the world. He doesn't know what he wants.

Feanor wrote: »

I always said I never wanted to get married unless it was for good.

He is never going to be your rock, is he?

Far better to know know than in 6 months time. I would also advise not going through with the wedding. I would be interested in his reaction if you told him for definite it was cancelled - would he fight for you? Or woudl he be secretly sighing with relief?

I wish you luck with whatever you do next - whether you decide to go abroad and use it as a family holiday or sell it on, do what is right for you.

You are still young, you will find the right person, this one is holding you back atm;)

xxx

tabskitten

Its over

he is not man enough to say it!!

So you TELL him.

meritaten

I disagree with every one of the posters!
Firstly, because the OP has stated she has offered to call off the wedding a number of times and instead of running for the hills her OH has told her to go ahead.
Secondly, this couple hit a 'bump' a while back, got back together and then got pregnant. but have since lost the baby.............who wouldnt be hit for six by that?
It could be the OHs loss of interest is down to grief? and I doubt that the OP is thinking straight right now.
I think her OH DOES love her, enough to go through with the wedding and hope it will get their lives back again. After all - he COULD just walk out of the door couldnt he? seems to me its the OP having doubts, but putting all the reasons on to HIS behaviour.

tabskitten

meritaten wrote: »

seems to me its the OP having doubts, but putting all the reasons on to HIS behaviour.

Still reason enough NOT to marry him!!

Mojisola

mikey72 wrote: »

It's over. You know it, so tell him, and tell everyone else. Stop waiting for him to do it.

If you did this, how would he react? Would he be pleased that you had made the decision or would he suddenly realise what's he losing?

Whatever you do, don't go ahead with the wedding while you're so unsure of things.

minimoneysaver

Are you sure that you aren't both grieving for the lost baby? You will both be trying to deal with the loss in your own way and you will probably still have surging hormones. Is there any way that you can take a step back to reflect properly? We have all experienced times when things haven't happened as expected and over-reacted to a given situation. When he says that he doesn't want to be close to you, is it because he is wanting to blame someone for the loss? It doesn't make it right, but it does give another perspective. To me, it sounds like you are both hurting and need space to grieve and cry.

Person_one

minimoneysaver wrote: »

Are you sure that you aren't both grieving for the lost baby? You will both be trying to deal with the loss in your own way and you will probably still have surging hormones. Is there any way that you can take a step back to reflect properly? We have all experienced times when things haven't happened as expected and over-reacted to a given situation. When he says that he doesn't want to be close to you, is it because he is wanting to blame someone for the loss? It doesn't make it right, but it does give another perspective. To me, it sounds like you are both hurting and need space to grieve and cry.

Even if this is the case, and even if the relationship does have a future (personally I doubt it) then this is clearly not the right time to be getting married. The wedding should be cancelled first and foremost.

Oldernotwiser

Feanor wrote: »

We are supposed to be staying together in this lovely old farmhouse for two weeks. How could we just go on holiday and try to have a nice time? I guess we'll have to go, all the travel is booked and everything.

I could be wrong but I don't think that anybody was suggesting that your ex come along as well on your honeymoon that is now a holiday!