Splitting up two weeks before the wedding...

Feanor

Hi all

Well, I dont even know where to start. I dont post here much these days but I dont know who else or where else to go.

It looks as though me and my boyfriend are splitting up after 10 years. We are supposed to be getting married in two weeks. We have 14 people all flying abroad with us and I just dont know what to think/do.

Our relationship has been rocky for the last few years. In feb 2008 he proposed, I was thrilled of course, so were the whole family. Then in May that year we had a big bump in our relationship, he decided he wanted to end it because he had 'a connection' with this girl who served him in a shop. It's a very long story, but the whole time was just hideous and I moved out for 5 months. I forgave him (they didn't sleep together or anything, but he handled the whole thing very badly and said some truly awful things to me). Anyway I moved back in Jan 09 and things were good, so late last year we started planning the wedding.

He has never really been into marriage that much, I knew that and I knew he would be worried about it. So thats why we opted for abroad with only a handful of people. At every single stage I gave him the opportunity to say no, but he kept saying yes and agreeing with everything, then BAM towards last week he goes all moody, quiet and generally acting strange. Basically he says he loves me, but he has no desire to kiss me/cuddle me etc and feels unhappy often. He said he's not sure what he is supposed to feel like and that he doesnt know why but it just doesn't feel right.

At the moment we are going around in circles. When I say lets cancel the wedding, he insists we should just carry on and 'see what happens' which I just think is absurd and of course I don't want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry me. So when I agree and say ok, lets carry on, he gets into a great depression, is stroppy and snappy and generally acts like its the end of the world. He doesn't know what he wants.

We are 250 miles away from our family. I have friends here but no one I would really feel comfortable going to and talking to about this. I am heartbroken.
Also in March we found out I was pregnant (unexpectantly, but we got used to it and were happy) then I miscarried at 10 weeks. So I am still feeling sad from that and I don't know how to deal with this. It was just a few weeks ago he said he was excited to marry me (and he never really says things like this at all!)

I was paying for most of the wedding from my savings, so looks like I will lose all of that money, let alone all the money people have spent to be there with us.
We own a place together, but I don't earn enough to buy him out, but I was the one who put down the 5% deposit 3 years ago.

I am so sad right now, I just don't know what to do. I want to be strong and say stuff him, if he doesn't want me I'll be fine. But then I love him so much and the thought of trying to go on without speaking to him everyday is just awful. He is my best friend.

I'm 27, nearly 28...I thought I would be married and planning a family next year. Having to start all over again just seems impossible.

I don't know what I want anyone to say, I just wanted to get it out somehow.

Thanks for reading.
x

Person_one

Oh Feanor, I'm so sorry. I know it must be so hard to imagine him not being in your life after such a long time together but I promise you that you will get used to it and one day you will look back and say 'thank goodness I didn't marry ex! Can you imagine if I had!?"

Starting again seems hard, but you are still so young. I recently went through a break up, although we hadn't been together as long as you and were only living together, no engaged. At the time I didn't see how I'd ever be able to stop thinking about him every hour, but three months later its so much better and easier and I know I did the right thing.

I know you'll feel like you wasted the last ten years if you break up, but if you marry him you'd also be wasting the next ten, twenty, thirty or the rest of your life! Please trust your gut instincts, if you are unhappy now after so long together I don't think marriage will fix this. Would you rather pay the cost of cancelling your wedding or the cost of a divorce? Both financial and emotional.

As for the place you own, if he can afford to buy you out (including repaying your deposit) you just sell it. Houses, money and expectations aren't good reasons to get married. If the people going to your wedding care enough about you to travel abroad to be with you on your special day, they will care enough about you to not want you to go into an unhappy marriage for the sake of them having to miss a holiday!

Have you ever had any counselling? To do with your relationship or the miscarriage? It sounds as though you are pretty certain that the relationship has no future but if your partner were willing to go to counselling would you want to try it?

honeybear_2

Oh Feanor, that's such an awful place to be in.

It sounds to be that cancelling this wedding is the right thing to do. If you are meant to be together and work all this out then there will be plenty of time to get married. Is it really fair on you now to marry someone who isn't interested in you physically? Things like that may be much harder to sort it out once you are married.

It must also be tough being far away from your family - can you get back to see them for a day or 2? Or at least talk it over with someone on the phone?

Good luck, hon. I hope you work it out.

ps.you might want to read my sig - it's not aimed at you, it's a reminder for me as I try to sort some stuff out - but i think it's a point worth considering

xx

Feanor

Thank you so much for replying, I really appreciate it.

I have never had any counselling no, but after the events of the last couple of years I feel I might find it useful to be honest. He would never agree to it, I have asked him before. He isn't very good at talking about his emotions even now.

I wish he had cheated on me or something because then I could have something to be angry about and a reason for it, but it just feels like its such a shame. We have worked so hard to get good jobs and buy a place of our own, what a waste. I know you are right though, I just can't make him feel something and I don't want to be divorced. My parents divorced when I was 7/8, then my Mum divorced her second husband a few years ago and its just awful. I always said I never wanted to get married unless it was for good.

I can't help but think if I hadn't have lost the baby none of this would be happening and we would be happy. For those 5 weeks I was pregnant, I felt so happy. Now it just feels like everything is destroyed.

Make-it-3

Please, please cancel the marriage ceremony, you will only make things harder if you go through with it. There sounds like a lot of things in your relationship that need to be worked out and you aren't going to be able to wave a magic wand and get these fixed in two weeks.

Maybe go on the holiday anyway and explain that it's two weeks together to sort things out, whether you come back as a couple or not. If travel arrangements can't be cancelled maybe your guests can just treat the trip as a holiday - and if some of them come out they maybe able to act as mediators while you and your finance talk things through.

And when you return, I do think you would benefit from some counselling too, even if he won't go.

pinkshoes

My take on this is that you got together when you were just 17, and you've grown apart. You've had ups and downs before, and I think this is perhaps the end.

Can you HONESTLY see your relationship with him going any further??

Why not just go on holiday with those invited, and have some fun? Just cancel the wedding part. Most are probably seeing it as a holiday.

As for the money side of things, then forget it. Money is nothing when it comes to happiness.

And don't worry about being nearly 28. My ex of almost 5 years decided he wasn't sure how he felt about me (for the THIRD time) when I was 29, and this time I decided I couldn't be with someone who could turn his feelings on and off, and wasn't sure about me. I have since met someone else, and will be having my first child just after my 31st birthday.

Just don't spend your life with someone because you feel you ought to.

Feanor

I know you are all right, its just right now I cannot even imagine not seeing/speaking to him every day. It just makes me feel so sad.

We are supposed to be staying together in this lovely old farmhouse for two weeks. How could we just go on holiday and try to have a nice time? I guess we'll have to go, all the travel is booked and everything.

I spoke to my Mum last night and she said the same, dont do it if it's not right. She just wants me to be happy.

I do keep myself very busy, I play netball and go to the gym but I keep having these visions of me just being in our flat all alone and having no idea what to do with myself.

I would really love to keep the house if I can. Maybe I could rent out the second bedroom or at least get my Dad or Sister to gurantee the mortgage maybe? I dont know. Everything is just going around in my mind right now.

Thanks alot everyone.

tabskitten

Look forward not back- it could be a new lease of life for you!!
Everything happens for a reason, if you do not marry this man you were not meant to, you were meant for another!

Brighton_belle

OP, how devasting for you. But like others, I would urge you not to go ahead with the wedding: From my perspective of mid 40's, you would tie yourself to man who swings moodily from one emotion to another and that is not the basis for a lasting loving marriage in which you feel cherished through thick and thin.

It may seem a waste of the last 10 yrs, but as someone esle has wisely said, don't waste the next 10, 20 ,30.
I spent from age 25 to 35 really really ill and isolated and lost a career and much more. I still don't regard that time as a complete waste for all sorts of personal growth reasons.
I have many (most) friends who didn't even meet their husbands til their mid to late 30's and didn't have children til that age.

I certainly wouldn't go ahead with the travel to have a 'fun holiday': I can't imagine you woudn't be capable of having fun so soon, most especially in the place you were going to be married, with the people who where to be there for your wedding ( nor would I want friends and relatives as some sort of mediators. I shudder at the thought personally but if it feels right for you, obviously, go for it.)

I am really sorry about your miscarriage: counselling could be really helpful in dealing with your understandable grief around this.

Your understandiably letting him call the shots re cancelling or not cancelling. I think you need to say enough is enough and call it off and email all concerned. However, i know these are very very easy word for me to write.

Britwife

I think you really know what to do hun. It will be hard but in the long term, you guys will never be happy together. You've had a rocky relationship almost from the get go. It wouldnt be fair to either of you to continue with the relationship. To be honest with you, you'll never really know if he had sex with this other girl but the fact that he was willing to throw everything away for someone he just met is a HUGE red flag to me.

It does hurt and you have to take the time to heal and then move on. You will be so much more happier. You can start over at any age. I'm 38 and I didn't meet my husband until I was 31. I have an older child and we have 2 children together and one on the way. So it's never too late hun. I think having children at an older age keeps you younger (I repeat that to myself daily)

Basically, you deserve to be happy and this guy has broken trust with you several times.

I wanted to add: Why don't you take this trip and have a singles/family honeymoon. I bet your family would still go since tickets are expensive. At least you won't be out the money.

mrcow

If it's any consolation, a friend of mine was in exactly the same situation (a week before the wedding) a few years back. They were so loved up in the early days but it went sour.

She however chose to go through with the wedding. Big mistake. One marriage, one child and a load of debt (spending to make their sad, lonely marriage better) later, the split was very acrimonious. Everyone has suffered, most of all the child involved who was used as a ball for scoring points off each other.

They should never have gone through with the wedding. And would be much happier people now, 10 years later if they hadn't.