How much do your kids expect you to do for them?

paddy's_mum

Why has this very disturbing way of living and treating his loved ones only recently been discovered?

It seems to me you have only two choices. Carry on as before or battle to change it. I'm quite sure I know which course of action your future daughter in law will be grateful for! Good luck.

pigpen

dandy-candy wrote: »

I am having a tough time with my eldest at the moment and it's making me really upset and frustrated. I work 1-2 days a week and the rest of my time is spent either with my mum who has terminal cancer, or doing household chores. I have 3 kids and my eldest is 17 - he will be 18 in September and he treats me like his slave.

Who is the idiot?

He has recently started going to work with my husband and i'm hearing that he is a lazy so-and-so there too, and when he comes home he just plays Xbox. He won't make himself snacks, do his washing, clean the bath after him etc and is always having a right moan at me when he can't find something or what he wanted to wear hasn't been washed.

So? He has no clean clothes, goes hungry and what he does at work is for hubby to sort out.

He wants to apply for a college course but can't be bothered to research his options on the internet or phone for an application. He keeps saying "Can't you do it for me?" or "I can't be bothered, I'm lazy, can't you do it?" Whenever I tell him he's old enough to do it himself he gets really stroppy and says "That's nice your supposed to be my mother"

And a mothers job is to teach her offspring to stand on their own 2 feet and be self sufficient!

I am finding it really stressful and what ever I say he argues back with me. By contrast my two younger children are really helpful and sweet, I don't know how he turned out so different but I have started to wonder if he picks it up from my husband who also does nothing the minute he come in because "I've been at work all day" I hate this attitude in him too but at least he does work damn hard and his wages pay the bills.

So what? Do you work hard all day? Do you 'knock off' at 5pm and do nothing for the rest of the day? I LOATHE it when men think they go to work so their obligation stops there.. actually no, you have a family and a home that still needs to run after 5pm.. Lazy gits!!! It totally belittles the hundreds of things you do each day.. inc. work and the extras of looking after your mum.

How do I resolve this before I have a breakdown?

You resolve this by stop being such a doormat and letting everyone take you for granted..

DS is plenty old enough to do his own laundry.. and he can prepare a meal once a week.. his arms won't drop off.. preferably a day you are extra busy.. working/looking after mum/shopping etc.

hubby can also pull his weight once he gets home.. yes having a sit down/shower/cuppa is much needed when he gets in.. but that doesn't mean he cannot wash the dishes, move some laundry to his cupboard or make a bed!!

I think you all need to realise this is not opional stuff it is to make the home run smoothly and everyone happy and hygeinic! The worst part is you REALLY have your work cut out because you have allowed this to go on for so very long!! I'd bet it is the extra work of looking after your mum which has opened your eyes to this situation! You must be exhausted!

I've not read any of the replies .. yet...

Lara44

dandy_candy first of all ((hugs)) sounds like you are having a hugely stressful time at the moment. I agree with the other posters that you and your OH have to form a united front. Then leave your son to do his own chores. In a few months when he's got over his huffing you could add some other chores on to help the family.

If I were you I would be deeply honest with him about how hard you are finding it looking after your Mum and looking after him aswell. This would hopefully act as a bit of a guilt trip and make him realise that the whole family setup doesn't revolve around him. Also, it would be a good start in treating him like an adult. I think if young people can see the reasoning behind having to do chores it really helps, plus he might step up a bit if you let him into the loop on how you're feeling and give him a bit of extra responsibility.

C.Lightowler

my youngest brother (18) is exactly the same and when my other siblings come home from university they act the same also. Makes me so mad as they sit at home all day, don't do anything apart from messing up the house and then expect my poor mother to make food for them when she gets home from work.

I absolutely detest the lack of respect they have for my parents, they aren't around to be treated like slaves.

I have suggested that my parents move into my spare room and leave them all to fend for themselves!

They seemed to like that idea

thorsoak

dandy-candy wrote: »

I am having a tough time with my eldest at the moment and it's making me really upset and frustrated....... I have 3 kids and my eldest is 17 - he will be 18 in September and he treats me like his slave. He has recently started going to work with my husband and i'm hearing that he is a lazy so-and-so there too, and when he comes home he just plays Xbox. He won't make himself snacks, do his washing, clean the bath after him etc and is always having a right moan at me when he can't find something or what he wanted to wear hasn't been washed. He wants to apply for a college course but can't be bothered to research his options on the internet or phone for an application. He keeps saying "Can't you do it for me?" or "I can't be bothered, I'm lazy, can't you do it?" Whenever I tell him he's old enough to do it himself he gets really stroppy and says "That's nice your supposed to be my mother"..............

How do I resolve this before I have a breakdown?

Dear Dandy-candy
- first of all - sending you {{hugs}} - sounds as if you definitely need them at the moment with all that's going on in your life.

And as for your No 1 p-i-t-a son, you have two ways of dealing with this - ignore it, run around after him - do everything for him ...and be stuck with him forever and a day - and also run the risk of your two younger children learning from him and becoming another two p-i-t-a as well!

Personally, I took the "tough love" attitude with my three sons (and one daughter). I gave them responsibilities. For a start, each of them was allocated one day a week on which they could use the washaing machine - and they were responsible for all their personal laundry (I still took responsbility for bedlinen and towels). For example, No 1 son's laundry day was aTuesday - so he either sorted & did all his washing on a Tuesday - or had to wear dirty clothes!

At the same time, each of them took responsibility for cooking an evening meal one night a week - they had a budget and they could tell me what they planned to cook - and I would buy it when I shopped.

And as for uni applications, etc, I was only too happy to look over an application letter/give advice about a CV - but the aspiring student had to make the application in the first place!

I started with the washing machine business when they reached the ripe old age of 12 ...gave it as a privilege - part of growing up etc .....at that age, they swallowed it, hook line and sinker:D:D.

Responsibility for preparing one main meal a week came when No 1 son was about 16 & youngest was 8-ish ...obviously he had to have supervision & his meals were of the pizza/fish fingers type - but all 4 of them learned how to cook and budget!

He's got to learn :cool:
You can deal with this

Steel_2

Son: "can't you do it for me? I'm feeling lazy."
Mother: "no"

[exit mother from the room]

My 18 year old nephew tries this rubbish on with me and he gets the response above. When he lifts a finger to help out or do something, I'm more inclined to reciprocate.

It's a two way street.

Personally I'd start building some me time into your plans that take you out of the house with friends. Cinema and a drink, maybe a weekly course. Let them fend for themselves.

They'll only realise what they have when it's gone.

ailuro2

Tell him he ought to be ashamed of himself because Ailuro's 11 yo daughter is capable of looking after herself better than he is!:)

Seriously, I am training DD to fend for herself when she is older.

As it's coming up to our holiday she is currently making everyone's packed lunch, emptying the dishwasher and loading it, putting shopping away, sorting out laundry and putting a wash on, hanging it out and taking it in again.

OK so she is not doing this every day (she's only 11, and my mother is not her mother, iyswim) but it gets her learning life skills while being rewarded for working.

Of course if her Dad or me came home from work and sat on our backside all night because he'd been at work maybe she'd do the same. Yes, we do that sometimes if we've had a tough day, but mostly we just get on with it.

If the business is your husband's (for that read FAMILY business) then it's not going to be long before your DH decides he's not pulling enoguh weight and orders him to shape up or ship out.

I suggest you get in there first and go on strike if he refuses to muck in and help.

I'd tell your DH you are going to make up a rota with jobs for EVERYONE on it. I'm sure he must cut the grass, do routine maintenance round the house etc rather than doing nothing. IF he really does do nothing, then you need to think long and hard about the message he has sent your son.

Good Luck, this is a bit of a tough one to get round, since the situation didn't happen overnight.

Nothing stopping you going on strike though, is there.;)

samandona

dreambirdie - your granny sounds awesome.

heretolearn_2

Just stop doing it. When he says those ludicrous things (and he knows perfectly well they are ludicrous, but it's always got the result he wants hasn't it) just laugh and walk off. Or, actually, I'd be inclined to shock him a bit. Get the message home that mother has had ENOUGH! Don't get cross or bother arguing, just next time you get the 'but I'm lazy' or similar, say sadly, 'no, you're being a knobhead' (he knows he is) and walk off. By the time he's picked his jaw up off the floor a couple of times, he should give up on this rubbish.

jimbms

Stick a tent in the back garden and tell him if he refuses to muck in, help around the house and do things for himself then thats where his new bedroom is.