How much do your kids expect you to do for them?

dandy-candy

I am having a tough time with my eldest at the moment and it's making me really upset and frustrated. I work 1-2 days a week and the rest of my time is spent either with my mum who has terminal cancer, or doing household chores. I have 3 kids and my eldest is 17 - he will be 18 in September and he treats me like his slave. He has recently started going to work with my husband and i'm hearing that he is a lazy so-and-so there too, and when he comes home he just plays Xbox. He won't make himself snacks, do his washing, clean the bath after him etc and is always having a right moan at me when he can't find something or what he wanted to wear hasn't been washed. He wants to apply for a college course but can't be bothered to research his options on the internet or phone for an application. He keeps saying "Can't you do it for me?" or "I can't be bothered, I'm lazy, can't you do it?" Whenever I tell him he's old enough to do it himself he gets really stroppy and says "That's nice your supposed to be my mother"
I am finding it really stressful and what ever I say he argues back with me. By contrast my two younger children are really helpful and sweet, I don't know how he turned out so different but I have started to wonder if he picks it up from my husband who also does nothing the minute he come in because "I've been at work all day" I hate this attitude in him too but at least he does work damn hard and his wages pay the bills.
How do I resolve this before I have a breakdown?

louise3965

Oh my lord and you let him get away with that? Grow some balls and dont do his washing, cooking, ironing - he's an adult and can do it himself. He sounds like a brat and he will only get away with it if you let him. You are his mother not his maid. I feel cross on your behalf. Your dh needs a sharp word also, he should be pulling the lad into line as well.

euronorris

He's being lazy because, currently, you are doing those things for him. Why would he change when he has no need to. So, you have to change your reactions so that he sees he now has to do stuff for himself.

If he wants to do a college course, then he has to research it and apply for it. By all means, help him if he has genuine questions, but otherwise leave him to it. If he asks you, tell him that he is old enough to do it himself (as you usually do), and when he gives the 'but you're my mother' response, just say 'Yes, I am. And it's because I am your mother that I want to help you become an independant adult.' and leave it at that. He'll probably have a response for that too, but that's where you draw the line. Don't get drawn into an argument, just tell him it's his responsibility, end of and walk away (if needs be).

You should also have a word with hubby and get him on board. Tell him that you understand he's tired from work, but you've been working also and that, as this is for the good of your son, you'd really like to show a united front. Let him know that you're not expecting him to suddenly start doing everything, but maybe making dinner once a week, doing the dishes here and there etc will set a good example to your son. Maybe your OH could even ask your son to help him when he gets up to do a chore? I'm willing to bet your son would be less inclined to argue if asked by his dad.

Good luck!

x

January20

I have a 17 yo dd, just a couple of months younger than your son. She can be a proper little madam, but she would never expect of me what your son expects of you! She makes her own meals and snacks if necessary, she does her own washing, she takes responsibility for herself and her studies, will accompany me food shopping if I need her too, will make me cups of tea, sit and have sensible chats with me about her future and her present school work.

Your son sounds quite immature and like he needs a little bit of a kick up the rear. You need to have a serious chat with him and tell him exactly what you expect of him. Just because he has started to go and work with your husband doesn't mean he can come home and expect to be waited on hand and foot. He can make himself food and take care of his own laundry. Whatever you decide he should do, then do not do it for him. He'll soon learn to make food and clean his clothes when he really needs to. As for his course, it's his future! He should be doing the research, contacting people and filling in forms etc.

Memory_Girl

Do what my Mum did to me little bruv when he tried the same "but I'm out at work all day why should I do anything at home" (Incidentally my Stepdad did do a lot at home - my littl ebrother just had blinkers on)

She got my Dad to tell him "I work hard out here, your mum works hard too - every penny I earn I give to her to keep our home. From now on son I'm paying your wages to your Mum - so you don't have to worry about doing the washing up - OK???"

S'funny - but somehow it wasn't OK:rotfl: and he pretty soon got off his butt in so many other ways. OK so he's now a Chartered Accountant, but we can't all have successful siblings :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

His face was a picture BTW - and so was my Mum's is a very different way. Lets just say I think Darling Stepdad got ahem!! pretty lucky that night

Memorygirl

saverholic

My sister was (and still is) like that. Never lifts a finger to help etc etc. I ended up researching her uni choices and mum did a lot of ringing around asking questions. I didn't want to have to do it, since at the end of the day it was for her future and I'd already done it once for me.

Everyone was sick of doing everything bar wiping her butt after the loo but all we had to do was make her life as easy as possible (so she would have no excuse to not do well) and twelve months later we would never have to do it again.

She was made well aware that it would be very very unwise to consider dropping out of uni and I now believe that it is unlikely she will live with mum again full-time. She comes back during holidays and causes chaos but she is pretty much out from under mum's feet.

I agree with the other posters. Ideally he should be helping out around the house. Does he get pocketmoney etc that could be stopped, privileges that could be taken away to persuade him that its in his best interests to co-operate? Would you feel comfortable confiscating the XBox?

Might be best to approach your OH first and agree on what precisely you want your oldest to being doing around the house. That way your son can't wriggle out of it by going to OH. If necessary present your son with a list of jobs that you feel should now be his responsibility, discuss it and make him sign it. If something doesn't get done you can show him the list and he won't be able to say its something he didn't know about.

You have enough on your plate already without having to deal with a teenager thinking he's a toddler.

OrangeProse

I don't have kids, but I was an eldest son (still am, if you think about it... just not at home any more!) and it hasn't been that long since I was a teenager...

I think he's being this way because it's how your husband behaves (based on what you've written in your post). If he sees your husband get away with it, and they both work at the same place (and presumably leave and arrive home together) then he probably thinks it should apply to him, too. Teenagers have a marvellously well-developed sense of personal entitlement when it comes to this kind of stuff!

Kids (of any age) respond to boundaries, so why not try making a list of all the things that you'd like him to take off your plate? After all, you have a house to run, a job to do and family members who rely on you.

I remember being about 12 when my parents first introduced the idea of 'chores' into the family dynamic, although I'd been ironing for my mum for a few years before that (what can I say, I like ironing!). The key thing for me was that the 'list of tasks' were communicated by both parents. Nothing is more confusing to people than mixed messages, so make sure you and your husband are aligned on what you want your son to do around the house.

As to the actual content of the 'list'; well, that's completely up to you - it's your house. But from 12 I was washing cars, mowing lawns, ironing (I did everyone's ironing, not just my own, but then I was freakishly attached to the ironing board... so not your typical teenage boy) and vacuuming my own room. And of course, later on, anything like applying for courses, jobs, etc I did myself (it would never have occurred to me to have it any other way).

He will probably kick back a bit, initially; it's in the nature of teenagers to strop about a bit. But whatever you decide, stick to it - this is the boundaries stuff - so he knows what is and isn't acceptable in your house. As soon as the washing starts piling up, or he misses the closing date for applications on his college course, he'll start realising that he has to run his own life, not you - you're already busy with your own.

Oh one other thing - you mention that you're getting reports that he's not pulling his weight at work. For the sake of clarity, leave this one for his employer to sort out. How he behaves at work is irrelevant, at the moment, to what he's expected to do at home and you can't be expected to police his professional life as well.

gonzo127

it sounds like he's trying it on to me, i have a step son who is just about to turn 18 (under a month) ok so

he doesnt do the main cooking i do that - however if he misses a meal time he has to get his own

the clothes washing deal is if it isnt in the washing basket it doesnt get washed - basically if we are putting in a load its 'cheaper' to add his stuff in to do a full load than have to do 2 half loads - however we do stick by it and he was seriously shocked when he realised that washing drying and ironing clothes is not a 10 min job when he 'needed' some clothes to go out in one evening

when he applied for Uni he had to do most of the work and i helped him go through it and proof read it etc but he still had to make any changes

basically i think you do need to do what another poster has said and when he says about you being his mother to dothings for him the response does need to be based on the fact that being his mother it is also your job to make sure he becomes a responsible adult.

silly question what does he actually do about money? i know you have said hes started to go to work with his dad, have you started charging him board/rent? just thinking you could start thinking about charging him for the 'jobs' you do for him just as he probably did when he was younger and wanted money (or at least thats how we get the middle one to do jobs)

the_cat

Q. How much do your kids expect you to do for them?

Answer. As much as they can get away with...... sadly the same appears to be true of your OH!

It is in your hands to change this. Do only what you are prepared to. And only do it if he is grateful! Snide comments and moaning should result in a total 'strike' (but only for the offending person!!). Then let him deal with the consequenses

In the end, you are doing him a kindness. The way things are at the moment is no lesson in how the rest of his life will be (and think of all the arguments and grief with a partner you will save him by teaching him now!)

You can only be treated like a doormat if you lie down and stay still whilst they wipe their feet!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Up his 'keep' to all but a tenner a week, because that is how much a cleaner, takeaway meals and disposable plates would cost.

Or just don't bother washing his clothes again. Ever. When he complains - the launderette is x miles away. You catch the xx bus. You'll need to buy soap powder and I think you'll want £2, £1 and 50p coins to operate the machines. There's usually someone working in there who will tell you how to do it, but it's pretty simple. Take a book because you won't want anyone to come and steal your stuff.

Pee

A slight voice in his defence, starting a new job is tiring, but obviously nothing compared to the strain of looking after your mother.

My view is if he can't be bothered to make a snack, he will be hungry. Don't do it for him. Show him how to use the washing machine and leave him to it. Talk to your OH gently and maybe suggest he could set a good example. Don't expect your son to clean the bath out though, I don't suppose that will happen but the things that affect him will. Explain that you did it for him before, but now he is an adult and can do it for himself.