How much do your kids expect you to do for them?

floss2

dandy-candy wrote: »

.....my eldest is 17 - he will be 18 in September and he treats me like his slave ...... He won't make himself snacks, do his washing, clean the bath after him etc and is always having a right moan at me when he can't find something or what he wanted to wear hasn't been washed ..... Whenever I tell him he's old enough to do it himself he gets really stroppy and says "That's nice your supposed to be my mother"

But you are not his slave.

To get this sorted, you and your husband will need to be hard, firm and united so you BOTH treat him the same way. Your OH probably hasn't helped, but as you say, he's paying the bills so has more of a case for being that way. A 17/18 year-old needs a darn good shaking to do anything (I know as I've had 2) but while you do things for him, he will continue to expect you to, and it won't get any easier.

xmaslolly76

Wow my kids would love you... they are 8 and 12 and are expected to keep their rooms tidy put all dirty washing in the laundry and fill and empty the dishwasher. The older one will do her own snacks and drinks and will put the stuff away after herself also if she misses something from the wash i do that she really wants or needs then she will put it on herself, the 8 year old does his best and is learning but still needs help with some things.

I think you certainly need to put your foot down and stop acting like his slave kids will let you do what you are willing to do so only you can stop the lazy behaviour.

julie03

mine is 16, to earn his money, he has to put rubbish out once a week, bath his younger brothers once a week to give me a break, keep his room tidy, he will make all his own snacks and drinks and has to wash them up, strip and remake his bed once a week and if he wants a job has to go and find it, he needs to learn to do these things for himself, i even make him clean the toilet if he makes a mess and he does clean the bath after him cos if he doesnt i have been known to wake him up to do it.

pocket money and being grounded is a big incentive in this

webitha

my kids also want you to be their mum, :D:D
my things are 11, 9 and 5 years, and their chores are
load and unload the dishwasher
set and clear the table
keep bedrooms clean including making their beds, (I redo them properly but i want an attempt made iyswim)/stripping beds and remaking them
help sort through the washing and put it on, as they all automatically put their wasing in the wash bin
put their ironing away
and thing 1 is starting to cook simple meals, and thing 2 is starting helping ironing obviously with me standing next to them and she is only ironing pillowcases and simple stuff like that
make their own snacks and drinks

but the way i look at it, they have to leave home sometime, so i am preparing them for adulthood, and im sure that my sons future wife/girlfriend/partner will appreciate the fact that he will be able to keep house lol


oh and they dont get pocket money for doing it as its their home too, i dont get paid to clean/wash and cook so why should they, anyway i buy them what they need and sometimes want

mountainofdebt

I had a similar argument with my son.

I told him that when he turned 18 he would be classed as an adult and that if me and his dad dropped down dead he would end up dead soon after as he would be unable to look after himself.

He did improve after that for some reason

Savvy_Sue

I know it isn't necessarily economical, but my DSs have been doing their own laundry since they went into 6th form, ie 16. To me, being a parent is all about teaching them to cope with life, all of life, and that certainly includes not only know how the washing machine works, but when to do it, ie before you've run out of clean pants.

Mine also cook on request, and I don't see why I should have to wash up with 5 men in the house. Actually there's only 3 these days, and 2 of them aren't often in, but the one dossing around doing his A2 exams has NO excuse for not doing it!

ManOnTheMoon

They have to turn into young adults at some stage and starting them early in small steps is a good way to go, I have found.

My eldest is 17 tomorrow and since her mother moved out when she was 13? she has done all the things you'd have expected her Mother to have done, for herself and her younger siblings (and me at times).

I think your lad needs to grow up and fast. At his age he's able to do his own washing etc.

samandona

webitha wrote: »

oh and they dont get pocket money for doing it as its their home too, i dont get paid to clean/wash and cook so why should they, anyway i buy them what they need and sometimes want

Amen to this.

This is my idea of good parenting. I think the best lessons my parents (mother mainly) ever taught me about life was that it is not free/easy/cheap or (sometimes) fun.

I used to walk home with a friend in my final 2 years of primary school (about 4 miles) and when I started secondary school at 11 I also used to walk home with a group of friends. As my brother, mother and father were allout at work, I used to be expected to, amongst other things, make the family evening meal from scratch, feed the dog, take him for a walk and put the washing out/on if necessary. My mother would usually leave me a list of things she needed doing.

Maybe its because my mother had taught me (and my brothers) not to be selfish pigs, but I happily did this for 7 years and was SHOCKED when I went to University and found out so many of my peers couldn't even make a cup of tea.

Frankly, what you have let your son get away with is ridiculous. You are not his maid, so stop acting like it. As others have said - there is no incentive for him to do anything you ask him to because you go and do it anyway! Yes, his attitude stinks, and I can understand the desire to do the best for your children. However, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

I suggest you get him an application form to join the armed forces. They'll soon sort his sorry !!! out.

esmf73

Ok - another way to look at it. Surely one day you want him to get married (or have a partner) so he'll move out? You need to train your son to behave appropriately so that he lives with the kind of partner that you'll end up liking! My MIL doesn't seem to have done this with my OH - he doesn't even manage to empty the change out of his pocket (much to my delight), and as for cooking a meal or tidying up - he's a disgrace.

I have two boys who are young and yes it is very hard (and so much easier to do it myself) but I swore that I would never put another person in my shoes (when it comes to a partner not pulling their weight), so I feel it is my job as their mum to train them!! My eldest - 6yrs has asked why I'm not nice to him all the time (ie giving into his every whim)? I tell him that it is not my job to be nice, it is my job to treach them what is right and wrong!

He still cries after I've said this, but only cos he doesn't like what he's hearing.

heretolearn_2

Wow, are you being a mug! :-)

OK, you and OH have a traditional sort of arrangement. He goes to work fulltime. You work part-time and are the 'home-maker' as the Americans say, and you now also have extra responsibilities for your mum. Fair enough if you are happy with that arrangement (ok, sounds like you aren't really, but that's another issue). You both contribute to the household, albeit in different ways.

This, of course, has been conveniently interpreted by your son as 'men get to sit around on their lazy butts and women do all the work at home'. And while he's been able to get away with it, why not? Teenagers aren't the most altruistic creatures.

You and OH need to sit down with him (yes, both of you) and lay down the law. Explain that as parents your entire 'job' is to raise happy healthy kids that can function well as independent adults. And that the independent adults bit is just as important as the happy healthy bit. Tell him proud you are of him now he is growing up into a young man, and working. Terrific. But that as parents you've lapsed a bit in teaching him some other important lessons; 1) how to look after himself and 2) how to contribute as an adult to the household he lives in, in the way that both you and your husband do. And then tell him what his contribution is going to be...i.e. all own laundry, not just making his own snacks but when he does so to be polite and ask if anyone else wants one, to clean the bath after he's used it, etc.

You have to make him feel that you are not bossing him about like a kid, but asking and expecting him to step up to behaving like a man. If he brings up the 'dad doesn't' issue, tell him that different households run in different ways at different times. For example, when you both retire, or should you go back to work full-time, the arrangements will change. Right now, the arrangements between you and your husband are the right arrangements. But that they don't have anything to do with the arrangments for him as a member of the household.

And just stop being such a wimp. He won't make a snack? Why do you do it for him? He's not going to drop dead from starvation if he gets nothing. Likewise if he chooses to wear dirty clothes instead of washing them, that's tough on him, no-one else.

My son spent about a year sleeping in the same filthy sheets with just a sleeping bag, when he decided he couldn't be bothered to change his bed. Yes, it was embarrassing for me when his friends were in his room. However, I'm sure they realised it was down to him being a lazy git. He grew out of it.

Other than that - he was doing own laundry and ironing from about 13 years old, was constantly rooting through the fridge for food and fixing stuff, and was doing the bathroom (the whole thing) once a week as his main household 'chore'. Now and then he'd throw the hoover round as well.