Money Moral Dilemma: Should we stop splitting the bill?

Chrissie123

Yes you must split the bill. You are subsidising thoughtless, greedy people who are most likely just taking the 'mick'. From their point of view you are an easy touch - and not the sort of people who I would like in my circle of friends. Friends GIVE (which is what you are doing) - they do not take.

Why not suggest that you pay the whole bill one session - and they pay the whole bill the next session. If on their turn they order considerably less - you have your answer.

System

This is outrageous! I don't like it when people order lots of drinks and sides and then ask to split the bill, but to order two main courses and then take home the leftovers is beyond ridiculous. You should definitely pay for what you order and no more.

Having said that, they may not realise what they're doing, which makes them insensitive and ignorant, but not necessarily bad people. As other posters have suggested, next time they (or you) suggest going out for a meal, mention that you're on a budget so can only pay for what you order. Saying this before you go out gives them the opportunity to back out if they want to - and then you'll know that they're free-loaders who don't deserve your friendship anyway. If they genuinely don't mean to take advantage, there's no point in potentially spoiling the friendship by trying to make them feel uncomfortable or embarrassed in the restaurant. People make mistakes and don't think sometimes, but that doesn't mean they can't be gently guided onto the right path!

If they're good friends they'll readily agree to everyone paying for what they order, and if they refuse then they're not worth the effort. As others have said, I'd be very interested to find out if they order less when they know they're paying!

WhyIsSavingSoHard

1ipstick wrote: »

Maybe one week say you are on a tight budget (beforehand) so can't chip in more than X amount. See if this affects what they order...

rcherryuk wrote: »

Yes, And you should have done this the 1st time!

It's not easy telling people that you need a different arrangement when it comes to paying for food and drink bills. I know because I've had to do this recently. I usually eat out with one person at a time and we used to pay every other time. I soon realised that one person in particular either ordered cheaper meals when it was her turn to pay or had other family members with her when it was my turn. I've changed that now by saying that it's probably best if we just pay for ourselves as I'm on a tighter budget and that finding money for one meal every now and again is easier for me to do.

If you can, start as you mean to go on, but if you're already in that situation take a deep breathe and say that it needs to change. They don't need ins and outs of your financial situation, just that you need to pay for what you eat and drink only in future.

Drinks at a bar can be more tricky, but still, say the same especially if you're on soft drinks or make your drink last longer than the rest do. If someone insists every now and again to buy you a drink, you could remind them that you can't return the kindness, then it's up to them what they do. If a bottle is bought and you're offered a glass, remind them that you can't help pay for it so will stick to your own drink. Once again, it's up to them if they let you have a glass anyway.

Above all, stick to your guns on it and don't be pushed into backing down no matter what's said. I've stuck to mine and things (and my bank balance) are so much better for it.

Having said all that, if you shop at Tesco, save your money back vouchers, change them for meal vouchers and use those to pay YOUR part of the bill. Win, win. You get to make a point and all you've had to actually pay for that night, are your drinks. My sister and her OH use these all the time no matter who they've gone out for a meal with.

jimp1100

Occasional abuse may be OK,well things can even out over time and whats a couple of quid between friends , but consistent, persistent,infringement on the "play fair" scale, between what are friends, is a no-no

A simple "we will get our own" is a gentle and uncontentious statement and should not cause any difficulty with true friends

The "two separate bills" route will also allow you to see if the number of courses ordered alters when they have to be paid for.
If 2 courses are still ordered then its more likely just to be lack of sensitivity ,if it drops to one then you have been premeditatedly exploited

In mitigation, any apologetic acknowledgment, of their overindulgence and a willingness to buy an extra round of drinks would be good

Otherwise keep it jolly, and buy your own !

Woodville

My wife and I have had this problem on numerous occasions with some very good friends. They do not ask for a doggy bag, but they do order far more than is needed, or the most expensive items on the menu, and they are both the same with drinks. My wife does not drink alcohol,and I usually drive, so I have to be careful. We always share the bill equally, but we decided that enough was enough, and we now make excuses when asked to join them for a night out. Shame, but other than having a fall out, what can you do? Cheers, Woodville.

WhyIsSavingSoHard

Woodville wrote: »

we now make excuses when asked to join them for a night out. Shame, but other than having a fall out, what can you do? Cheers, Woodville.

Awww, it's so sad that you keep making excuses about joining them. Next time they ask could be a good chance for you to say thanks and yes, but you'll pay for what you eat and drink only as money's tighter at the moment. If they are real friends, they'll understand and would rather that than have you not join them I'm sure

Solomon_Broad

Next time you go out, chat during the meal about how much your food cost with your partner, and when you've finished eating, put that amount of food on the plate. Wait for them to say something, and when they do, just say that you've paid for your food. Which you have. If they ask you for more, just say that you don't have it with you and that you ordered what you could afford to pay for.

If they don't like it, it's on them. If you're good friends with these people, it shouldn't be too much of a problem on either your part or theirs. And if it is a problem for them, that's on them. If they haven't bought enough money, it will be an expensive mistake on their part. You probably won't lose much by them not being friends with you. "The sign of a true friendship is an honest answer".

bzd

Another thought. Lots of people suggesting ordering even more than them, which of course you could try.

However, if you're looking for a more subtle approach, next time you could still order the same quantity but both get something obviously more expensive than you usually would, and something more expensive to drink. It quite possibly still won't come to the same amount as your friends' share.

When it comes to paying the bill, you could say something like "Well, we splashed out a bit more than usual this time [anniversary/parrot's birthday/etc] so I really want to make sure we pay for all of our share" and proceed to work it out. If it comes to the same or still less than your friends' half then that makes a point without having to say anything too direct about it. Even if it's a bit more than theirs at least you're drawing attention to the usual inequity and also indicates that you would prefer to pay separately when there is inequity (without putting the blame on your friends).

Admittedly this may mean you spend more next time, but think of it as an investment

bzd

tahariel

It's been really interesting reading about the different ways to remedy this. I've been in a similar situation a couple of times. I've gone out for drinks and food with a friend and make it absolutely clear I couldn't afford more than food and 1 drink. So my friend would say he would buy me a few drinks. Then inevitably the group would grow as he is very popular. So his friends would also offer to buy me a drink which I would thank them for and remind them I couldn't return the favour. Then when the bill came everyone else would be rather drunk apart from me as I'd been dragging my drinks out so not to impose on the others kindness. So some of them would go outside for a cigarette leaving me with people I didn't know that well who were too drunk to figure it out, and then they would just say, "split it evenly". I would be so annoyed that I'd then have to pay towards all the drinks they had bought as well as my own which were supposed to be bought as a gift! When my friend would come back he would just look embarrassed. I did tell him when he was sober and he looked even more embarrassed and offered to give me some money, but I couldn't accept it as it just made me feel worse. I've learnt from that group now that no matter how many times I say I can't afford the drinks, they will still offer to buy me some and still silently expect me to pay my way when it apparently comes to my round. I don't get it! Thankfully though I know some people who know me well and no matter what state they get in, every time we go for a meal they tell the whole group that I am to just pay for what I ordered and no more. Brilliant

minicooper272

This sounds like a bit of a no brainer to me!

I think everyone has been in a situation like this at some point, you order a cheap meal with tap water and everyone else orders sides and drinks but at the end everyone who had the extras wants to split it out equally... The last time I was in this situation, I only had £7 in my purse and the table wanted to split the bill 4 ways (taking it to about £8 each). I said that I had only eaten a fivers worth and that I didn't have enough in my purse to pay an equal share...

I would suggest trying something like this. If you have a good idea of the restaurant prices, take just enough money with you to pay for what you will eat. At the end, when the bill comes, say to your friends that you only have, enough to just cover your share and leave a small tip. If they protest, you know they are taking you for mugs and you can raise the issue. There is also the possibility that when they see what their share actually comes to, they will stop chancing it!