Friendships and money

Piffyonarockbun

This man is unreal!! You say he has had money problems in the past and that his parents have always baled him out!! He's taking the p1ss and needs to start paying his way and don't feel guilty that he has always been there for you in the past, it's probably because you always pay. I bet he will turn out not to be such a good friend when having to cough up for his share!!

TotallyBroke

I think you need to be straight with him but if you really believe he is so sensitive twist it to you.
Say you are struggling for money and as such if you go out together you will have to stick to paying for yourselves. If the ticket situation arises again then ring him there and then and say something like "Pete is here with your ticket, has it been paid for because I only have enough here to pay Pete for ours. Would it be easier for you to collect it from Pete yourself so you can give him the money for it. Here talk to Pete so you can arrange the best day and time" Hand the phone straight over.
The next time you have arranged to go out, do not mention transport at all. Then on the day ring him and ask him to drive, say something like the car is playing up. If he makes an excuse then say "Ok we'll see you there" and turn up in your car. If he asks for a lift home give him one but tell him that you will from now on be taking it in turns to do driving and drinking or you'll make your own arrangements.

cheepskate_2

Thats exactly it. I really don't think he has any idea, he would be mortified if I was direct with him. He's actually quite a sensitive soul. I honestly think he thinks we are just really lovely generous people who like treating him.(quote)

Get real, he knows exactly what he is doing. Who in their right minds go out for a meal or drinks and doesnt take any money.

I wouldnt pusyfoot round him either, tell him it straight if he doesent pay his way , he doesnt go.

You say hes such a good friend , funny, wicked sense of humour and always cheers you up and great to go outt with. Hell so would I be, and i'm normally a old moanie, but if i was getting everything free i'm sure i would soon have a great sense of humour round the lot of you.

I wonder how wonderfull a friend he will be if he has to pay every time.

cheepskate_2

flippin36 wrote: »

and I know there is a 9/10 chance he won't have any money for drinks.

/QUOTE]

Why are you worrying about him having no drink. No money , no drinkies. Best time to let him know you have stopped being such a walkover

Pollycat

I really dislike mean or tight people - and however you dress it up, he is taking advantage of you & your OH's good nature.

I knew somebody like this, he was a partner of a friend of mine and whenever we went out to a pub, he'd get to the door first, and hold it open for everybody to go through.
That meant that most people thought he was charming and polite but basically it was just to make sure that somebody else got to the bar first.
Then, when it got round to his round, he'd nurse the little bit of drink he'd got left.

In the end, I confronted him about it - this was after we'd been for a meal, I'd paid for the bus fares, he and his partner had had aperitifs, plus sweets and liqueur coffees and they were adding up what they'd had - missing out a lot of the food and drink they'd actually consumed.

I saw red and I told him that he'd better add in the aperitifs, sweets, fancy coffees and the bus fare as well.
I also told him he was mean-spirited and tight with his money and it wasn't a pleasure going out with him and that we wouldn't be doing so ever again.
So there!

I appreciate that this guy is much more of a friend to you - but it's starting to niggle at you and if you don't do something about it soon, it may boil over.

If he's as good a friend as you say, he'll understand and start to put his hand in his pocket when it's his turn.
But to be honest, from what you say, I'm not sure that he really is as oblivious as you think.

Liquorice_Twirls

I don't think he is the wonderful friend, I think you are! But even a wonderful friend would only be expected to pick up the tab or do all the driving now and again.

I think that if you put this relationship onto a more equitable footing, you may find that he is not such a wonderful friend any more. Who needs a friend that you are starting to resent?

Any

flippin36 wrote: »

Thats exactly it. I really don't think he has any idea, he would be mortified if I was direct with him. He's actually quite a sensitive soul. I honestly think he thinks we are just really lovely generous people who like treating him. He has had some money problems in the past, and his parents have always baled him out.

Really?? This doesn't suggest that at all....

flippin36 wrote: »

So a few weeks ago another friend was selling tickets for a local gig. He seemed really keen to go, I said great we will give you a lift. A few days later, the person selling the tickets came up to me with 3 tickets because the friend had said to give them to me to sort out. So I have ended up paying for his tickets, giving him a lift so he can drink - and I know there is a 9/10 chance he won't have any money for drinks. Its now not just about the money as the tickets aren't expensive, but the principle I suppose.

He is just simply playing you. Brilliant actor.

I have a friend who not always pays her share... but then she lives on her own since her b/f had left her and has very junior job so I sometimes let her get away with it... She always say she will pay but then later it is forgoten. However with big things I don't let her get away with it (ie £20 deposit for day out etc). AND she does me favours in other respects, ie looks after my house when I go away and shops for me when going abroad.

If you are affraid to tell him straight ou (though I don't know why, he seems direct enough himself) and you seriously think that he just thinks that you are generous couple, then just say "sorry, but I cannot afford to pay for your ticket as we are a bit skint" and see what his reaction will be. Surely he cannot expect you to pay under any circumstances?

flippin36

Dan_Thunder wrote: »

Just to be sure though, he's not subsidising you in other ways is he? I know some people often state how they're always looking after their mates financially but forget all the things done for them.

He's done loads of things for me - thats the real problem. Anyone else would have been history long ago. I do feel I owe him because he's really got me through stuff emotionally. He's defended me, stood up for me, given me confidence I could go. We've been friends 25 years and I've always been the needy one. Thats why I find it so hard to be tough with him.

flippin36

TotallyBroke wrote: »

I think you need to be straight with him but if you really believe he is so sensitive twist it to you.
Say you are struggling for money and as such if you go out together you will have to stick to paying for yourselves. If the ticket situation arises again then ring him there and then and say something like "Pete is here with your ticket, has it been paid for because I only have enough here to pay Pete for ours. Would it be easier for you to collect it from Pete yourself so you can give him the money for it. Here talk to Pete so you can arrange the best day and time" Hand the phone straight over.
The next time you have arranged to go out, do not mention transport at all. Then on the day ring him and ask him to drive, say something like the car is playing up. If he makes an excuse then say "Ok we'll see you there" and turn up in your car. If he asks for a lift home give him one but tell him that you will from now on be taking it in turns to do driving and drinking or you'll make your own arrangements.

Thanks. This is what I was thinking of doing from now on. I'll just make a big deal of having money troubles of my own. I think because we live in a nice house, in a nice area and OH has a good job that we are rich. He doesn't know the cost of raising children and has never had much of a mortgage. I think this might be a kinder way of letting him know (only a little white lie )

flippin36

Liquorice_Twirls wrote: »

I don't think he is the wonderful friend, I think you are! But even a wonderful friend would only be expected to pick up the tab or do all the driving now and again.

I think that if you put this relationship onto a more equitable footing, you may find that he is not such a wonderful friend any more. Who needs a friend that you are starting to resent?

Thats why I know I have to do something.. A while back he invited me to a restraunt with his work colleagues (I didn't really know them). Guess what? He paid his way all evening - it did make me think .