Friendships and money

flippin36

Probably has been discussed a fair few times, but wanted partially to get it off my chest, but also for a bit of advice

I have a lovely best friend who I have been friends with since we were kids. He's been such a good friend to me in so many ways, and always cheers me up with his wicked sense of humour. He's also great for a night out, I really enjoy his company. Very generous in spirit. However....

He rarely pays for anything! If we go to the pub he says he only has his credit card no cash, he will pay for drinks the next time we go out (never does), we go out for a meal its always an awkward moment when the bill arrives, as everyone is getting their cash out he just carries on talking, joking and doesn't even reach for his wallet. If we decide to divide the bill up and directly tell him his share there is some problem with his CCard or a long winded story about something or other - he will pay next time (never does). It kind of spoils the night out tbh, and I then resent the fact that he eats the most/expensive dishes, and can drink faster than anyone I know. So I stopped inviting him to such occassions . He also has NEVER offered to drive in all the years I have known him.

We have a family and a hefty mortgage and just about get by OK each month. He however is single, no kids, small mortgage, very good well paid job.

We now tend to just go to each others house with a bottle of wine (last time we went to his house he drunk the wine we brought so fast that he sent my OH out for another bottle without offering to pay, there isn't a shop for miles!)

So a few weeks ago another friend was selling tickets for a local gig. He seemed really keen to go, I said great we will give you a lift. A few days later, the person selling the tickets came up to me with 3 tickets because the friend had said to give them to me to sort out. So I have ended up paying for his tickets, giving him a lift so he can drink - and I know there is a 9/10 chance he won't have any money for drinks. Its now not just about the money as the tickets aren't expensive, but the principle I suppose.

If he wasn't a great friend, it would be an easy situation. But we go back such a long way, he's been there for me through thick and thin. And tbh, I don't have another friend that I can rely on like him. But OH is getting a bit fed up of him now, even though he likes him a lot.

What would you do considering the friendship I have with him?

Sorry for long post

tabskitten

Thats a really tough one- and the answer is tough too.........

You need to talk to him about it.

Bufger

I'd talk to him about it openly and honestly and it would go something like this:

"I value our friendship but you often leave me out of pocket. This may not be a concious decision by you but i feel it has now reached the point where its putting a strain on our relationship and it has to change."

He will probably get really embarassed and it may ruin your relationship but its the adult thing to do and if it ends up driving him away they your friendship obviously wasnt as valuable as you first thought!

Dont be a mug. In 20 years time he'll be sitting there in his mansion laughing his nellies off whilst you're there getting by because you paid for everyone else for so many years.

onlyroz

We had a friend who used to invite himself along for meals with us and then conveniently tell us at the end of the night that he had no money. The last time this happened was a few years ago - when he invited himself and his then girlfriend to join us for dinner, then ate three courses plus bottles of wine, lumbering us with the £100+ bill. We haven't eaten out with him since. In fact this lead to a few amuzing situations where we'd spent the afternoon with him and wanted to go for dinner - so we'd end up lying about wanting to get home early and then sneaking off to a restaurant when he'd got out of sight...

I'm not sure if, even now, he realises why we don't eat out with him any more.

flippin36

onlyroz wrote: »

We had a friend who used to invite himself along for meals with us and then conveniently tell us at the end of the night that he had no money. The last time this happened was a few years ago - when he invited himself and his then girlfriend to join us for dinner, then ate three courses plus bottles of wine, lumbering us with the £100+ bill. We haven't eaten out with him since. In fact this lead to a few amuzing situations where we'd spent the afternoon with him and wanted to go for dinner - so we'd end up lying about wanting to get home early and then sneaking off to a restaurant when he'd got out of sight...

I'm not sure if, even now, he realises why we don't eat out with him any more.

Thats exactly it. I really don't think he has any idea, he would be mortified if I was direct with him. He's actually quite a sensitive soul. I honestly think he thinks we are just really lovely generous people who like treating him. He has had some money problems in the past, and his parents have always baled him out.

If it was money problems, which it might be because he's useless with money, kind of a spendaholic (house full of stuff that he doesn't need/use) I wish he would say and we could do things cheaply. But he kind of doesn't want to miss out on things, and he has expensive tastes. Sorry for rant but its been going round my head for a few days after the ticket incident.

aliasojo

You're behaving like a doormat, so he's wiping his feet. He may well be doing it inadvertantly and doesn't realise he's doing it, but you need to get up off the ground and stop enabling him.

kegg_2

He doesn'r sound a great friend to me, more a !!!!!!!!!! who is taking you for a mug.

But if you truely want to keep his friendship then be blunt with him. Dont give him his ticket to where every you are going until he pays you for it. When you pick him up for the event remind him he needs money for drinks as you only have enough for yourself and wont be paying for his.

If you go for a meal with him remind him before he orders that he needs more to pay. If it is his round at the bar tell him and if he doesn't buy his round then stop buying for him hen it is your round.

If he gets huffy over your change of attitude with his tight ways then you know he is not the true friend you thought and so can ditch him without feeling gulity

Redman30

flippin36 wrote: »

Thats exactly it. I really don't think he has any idea, he would be mortified if I was direct with him. He's actually quite a sensitive soul.

Tough. He needs to be told, and you need to stop paying his way for him. That's no way for a friend to behave, no matter what his personality is like. And if he only has his CC, most places take them, and you can get the bill next time.

Time to be harsh I'm afraid, there really isn't any excuse for this.

Hermia

I had a friend who did this and they are now an ex-friend as they refused to see that there was a problem. When we first met she was the worse off one and she expected me to pay for coffee or lunch. She always went on about me being well-off. I was earning a lot less than the average wage, but I did have a job unlike her so I can see why she saw me as being well-off. Then I became the worse off one as she got a great job and a new partner who also had a great job. She still wouldn't get her purse out though. She was so petty that if I made a CD for her she would just take it, but if she made one for me she would ask for me to pay for the CD-Rom!

The moment when I decided enough as enough was when I was going to a concert and she asked me to get a t-shirt. I phoned her up on the morning of the gig and asked her again if she wanted it and told her the price. She said yes, but when I phoned her the next day she said she had changed her mind and didn't seem to understand why I was angry that I was now £25 out of pocket.

She did have lots of good qualities, but she just had this enormous sense of entitlement. She really couldn't understand that there was anything wrong with what she was doing or why I was angry.

tabskitten

I sort of had a bit of a problem like this- but it was the other way around.

I have never been able to drink a lot- i'm useless at it, and when I was saving for my first house I was not interested inspending my money of alcohol and eating out-

But friens always put so much pressure on me to come out and I was always having to make up excues- when the real reason was that I did not want to spend my money on it- I could afford it- just would rather see my money go toward my mortgage. People really seemed to have problem accepting this.
Also as I was single and not a big drinker when we did go out i would usually end up paying way more than my share.

So i used to make up all manner of excuses not to go out.

Your friend is not playing ball here- if you don't want to spend money on going out that is fine-- but that means that you stay in- he is having his cake and eating it too.

Dan_Thunder

Just start subtly making him pay. Arrange to go out for lunch, just the two of you, and when the bill arrives just plop down a £20/whatever and push it over to him. If he says anything just say that you don't have any cards on you and you only came out with the £20.

Go to pubs that take card payments so he can't get out of that either. Basically just take cash with you and ensure it's just enough for yourself so that you can't sub him even if you want to.

Alternately you're going to have to sit him down and explain that you can't go out for meals or on the lash with him as much as it's costing you a fortune.

Just to be sure though, he's not subsidising you in other ways is he? I know some people often state how they're always looking after their mates financially but forget all the things done for them.