Stalkerish behaviour or am I being OTT?

Paisley_3

I went to school with a guy (I am female btw) and after I went off to uni I lost touch. About 5 years ago he added me on MSN messenger and we kept in touch, friendly chats nothing more, he told me about his life (computer programmer, lives alone, sounded a bit depressed) and I told him about mine (general info, that I was getting married etc). We had a lot of mutual friends and common interests and it was only ever light friendly chats and I didn't think a great deal of it.

Anyway, about a year ago I was shopping near where he lived and I bumped into him. He started asking some rather intimate questions (not intimate like THAT, just things like 'how are you enjoying working at <your company>' and 'arent you moving to <city> soon?'. I didn't think a great deal again at the time, but after our very very brief and stilted chat (I was in a hurry and he was being really slloooowww, asking loads of quick questions but only answering my general pleasantries with a yes or no). I thought "hang on...I've never told you any of that".

So my (now) husband said, just be wary of him, he was shopping with me and saw him, and in the nicest possible sense, he seems like a bit of a loner who may have gotten a bit over enthusiastic about the level of our 'friendship'.

I have checked my facebook and it is set to the highest level of privacy, I can't even be searched. I never post personal info online or anything like that.

So, I lose touch with him for a good year, I've moved house etc, moved jobs, and I logged on to MSN last week to speak to my nephew (I'm helping him with exam revision online). This guy pops up with 'how are you enjoying <city>?' - I've never told him I was moving cities and it was a bit of an odd 1st question after a year of nothing.

So I said to him 'oh, I didn't know you knew I'd moved, we've not spoken in ages. How are you' (not wanting to offend him). He replied that he was searching me on the internet and found a way into my wedding photos which include a few of me in my home city and some obvious clues to where it is (landmarks). (Obviously now I have made sure the photographer has locked them right down but it's a bit late now). The photographer hadn't just left them open for all but this guy found a way in to his file storage (him being a computer geek and all).

So firstly he was randomly searching for me on the net and then he more or less hacks a website to see photos of me? Then he pin points my homeplace from the backgrounds in the photos. Then he said he had spent ages searching for me on Facebook but he couldn't find me and it took him ages to find my wedding photos. I am pretty freaked out by this and hubby was not happy at all when he found out (he has made sure there is absolutely zero on me on the net, we've even asked my company to remove my profile from their page so hopefully he will think I don't work there any more).

He has also told me he managed to find a website with my dad's details on it (I have also had this removed - it was a shop, unsecurely storing addresses!). Why was he Googling my dad - my dad lives about 10 miles from him and I am a bit concerned about that.

I don't think I am being OTT and neither does hubby - but does this in your eyes constitute a bit stalkerish even though he hasn't physically followed me (to my knowledge).

HopeAndDriftWood

No, I think you are right to be concerned. It's certainly unusual and unwanted behaviour, whether it becomes stalkerish or not...he is investing a lot of time into finding information out about yourselves.
At CAB we used to advise clients to inform their local police station about their concerns, which might be a good idea for you, as a precaution. You might also want to double-check that there is nothing about you on the internet (links on other peoples facebook page can bypass Facebook security settings, I'm not sure if this was fixed in the latest security update) and talk to your photographer about making sure those pictures are no longer accessible.
Then just keep yourself safe, I suppose. Don't take any unnecessary risks...I don't think he is a danger, as he admitted to you that he had searched for you, which seems quite attention seeking, but there are some strange people around, so it's worth taking precautions.

I hope he leaves you alone soon.

SugarSpun

At a guess I'd think he's telling you what he's doing to see how you'll react; if you do nothing he'll take it to mean that you welcome his interactions with you. If he's a lonely sort of guy he probably put much more thought into your chats than you did and he may have created a fantasy in which you play a starring role.

Tell him his Googling made you very uncomfortable, ask him not to do it again and inform your local police of your concerns. I'd also give a heads-up to your dad in case the guy goes to him to ask more things about you. It doesn't mean he's going to be dangerous, but it does raise a few red flags.

Paisley_3

Thanks - I am not too concerned that he'll turn up at my house or anything but I feel like I am being 'e-stalked' if that's a word - he literally knows what my house looks like from Google street view, he asks questions which let me know he knows if that makes sense.

I think I will delete the facebook altogether - I never ever put personal info on there but I did use it to share my wedding photos with my family who live miles away, and keep in touch with a few mates. I have deleted off anyone I don't actually physically speak to and I have removed all groups etc so he can't join one and maybe see anything that way.

I'm just a bit concerned about the hacking of the wedding photos site, it was in no way the fault of the photographer, it was password protected but somehow this guy has got around it.

It bothers me that he knows my dad's details, it's almost like a game to him, finding out more and more and the more I hide or delete the more determined he seems to get. I don't want to waste the police's time but I could send them a letter with my concerns so they are noted in case this guy keeps at it, then at least they could warn him off.

Forgot to add - I have of course after the last creepy conversation, blocked and deleted him from my messenger (have actually removed all contacts. I'll stick to the phone in future).

HopeAndDriftWood

I think you've done almost everything you can.
Have you informed the photographer anyway, so he can change the password and upgrade his security?
I agree with warning your Dad, too.

I was going to suggest deleting Facebook etc, but some people are very attached to theirs. Once he cannot find out anymore information, or communicate it to you, he'll get bored. He seems to be harmless, but it is creepy...keep your husband informed of where you are, and check your home security is up to scratch.

The police might have some suggestions too, and if you can give his name they should be able to see if he has any worrying history, although I don't think they can tell you this. They should give you an emergency number, though, which might reassure you a little.

Tropez

He could just very well be a bit of a social misfit and it isn't that uncommon for those who suffer from loneliness to display what some might consider an unhealthy interest in the people in their life, although in most cases this is harmless.

The fact is though, you're not being OTT if this is making you uncomfortable. You have a right to live your life without fear of unwanted intrusion. While I'm not suggesting that you call this man up and tell him to back off, should any further interaction occur it perhaps would be best to terminate the conversation as quickly as possible and retreat to a public place. If he follows you then you have just cause to be concerned about his behaviour and can raise any concerns to him in the knowledge that you are in a safe place.

It may be an idea to make your discomfort known to the police but you must be aware that some forces will follow up complaints without the go-ahead from the complainer therefore this may unwittingly draw attention to the situation. They're not supposed to do this but I have a friend whom lodged a complaint about someone just to allow the police to know they were concerned about another person's behaviour and within a week the police had contacted that individual notifying them of the complaint and who made it.

Unfortunately, in this day and age there is so much information easily available that it has hard to keep yourself private on the Internet. The electoral role, for example, is easily available which can make it easy to track someone down if they have a semi-unique name.

But as I say, some people are just like this and will randomly search information about old friends, especially if they are experiencing feelings of loneliness. He probably is harmless but if he is making you uncomfortable then you have every right to put a stop to it.

Paisley_3

Thankyou. Basically I didn't think I was being OTT in the sense that I was over-reacting, but I was worried that he was a harmless loner and that in some way I could offend or upset him and either make the situation worse for myself or affect his life in a negative way.

Yes it makes me uncomfortable but I was thinking that maybe my discomfort was borne from the fact I see him as an acquaintance and he might see me as something else (not that I'm anything to write home about, haha). He asked me to be the personal reference for his job about 18 months ago and asked me for my work address etc, I politely declined as I said I didn't know him well enough to be a character reference, I was quite clear.

I know that in all likelihood he is harmless but you know..when things like this happen you feel a bit creeped out. But thanks for your replies, I am going to delete off my Facebook and save the photos to my hard drive, I have Googled myself and my family and can't see anything, he is quite persistent though. I had my hair cut quite short about a week ago and he mentioned it in the converstation - but I haven't got any short hair photos online nor have I told anyone that I've had it cut, the only people that have seen it is my little office, parents, inlaws and hubby. So how does he know?

patchwork_cat

The fact that he was searching for you is not necessarily odd - he might just be bored or lonely. He may search for loads of people and it may be totally innocent - I search for people, as I have moved towns and lost touch, when I am bored and they are both male and female ( I am happily married with a family) I bet loads of people have done it and sent a friendship request via facebook - I have twice, once to my half sister ( we only exchange xmas cards etc.) and once to a uni friend of my OH's.

It is fascinating that is why friends reunited is so popular - someone I was friendly with at school is now a world renowned sculptor! What is strange is that he told you as it does seem stalkery.Would you worry if he was female? Have you never tried to guess a friend's forum id?

Indie_Kid

patchwork_cat wrote: »

The fact that he was searching for you is not necessarily odd - he might just be bored or lonely. He may search for loads of people and it may be totally innocent - I search for people, as I have moved towns and lost touch, when I am bored and they are both male and female ( I am happily married with a family) I bet loads of people have done it and sent a friendship request via facebook - I have twice, once to my half sister ( we only exchange xmas cards etc.) and once to a uni friend of my OH's.

It is fascinating that is why friends reunited is so popular - someone I was friendly with at school is now a world renowned sculptor! What is strange is that he told you as it does seem stalkery.Would you worry if he was female? Have you never tried to guess a friend's forum id?

Yeah. I've searched for people and don't have stalkerish intentions.

Tropez

Paisley wrote: »

I had my hair cut quite short about a week ago and he mentioned it in the converstation - but I haven't got any short hair photos online nor have I told anyone that I've had it cut, the only people that have seen it is my little office, parents, inlaws and hubby. So how does he know?

Now to be honest, this would set some alarm bells ringing in my eyes. Unless I have misunderstood somewhere along the line, he doesn't actually live in the same city as you anymore, correct? Assuming that to be correct then it is somewhat disconcerting that he would know about this and while I am again hesitant to label him as any type of danger to you, he would appear to be crossing some sort of boundary if he is finding out such information.

Cool_Username

I think you already know the answer to your question don't you?