Children & contact with ex's partner

izzybusy23

Person_one wrote: »

Sorry, didn't want to upset anyone.

This is exactly what I'm talking about though, your ex shouldn't be putting you in this position. How can he expect you to trust him when he sulks at the slightest disagreement. Imagine how you'd feel if he'd turned his phone off and you didn't know where the grandparents or him lived.

Well I would be beside myself, which is probably what he wants me to be. We really do need some mediation I think; he needs to understand the importance of me having his details when he has her and we both need to sit and talk about the future and possible new partners.

I used to work for children's services and have gained some information from a former colleague who has advised me that contact is for the child's benefit and not for the adult. If the child is upset or doesn't want to go then they should not be made to go, regardless of being made to feel guilty or threats... and that some of the things he is doing is emotional blackmail (I have a whole list of things that I won't go into on here).. so its not as clean cut as just his new partner, but that seems to be the main bone of contention at the moment, him thinking I have a new man and that gives him the green light that he can then introduce DD to whichever new woman is in his life... I believe he is using the scenario of me having a new man to deflect his guilt so he can go ahead and let DD meet his new partner.

seven-day-weekend

Fang wrote: »

Effectively stopping the dad from having his children stay with him? I presume that you would remain single then so as to stop your children being mentally destroyed by the horror of meeting your new partner?

They could stay overnight with him and the girlfriend after his relationship had lasted a year OR he had married.

Before that, he could still see them, but I would prefer they did not meet the girlfriend.

This is my opinion, I'm glad to say I have never had to make that decision in reality.

clearingout

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

They could stay overnight with him and the girlfriend after his relationship had lasted a year OR he had married.

Before that, he could still see them, but I would prefer they did not meet the girlfriend.

This is my opinion, I'm glad to say I have never had to make that decision in reality.

But it wouldn't be your decision, would it? It's not for me to dictate to my ex what he does with his life, is it? Nor what he does when the children are with him. My ex sure as hell doesn't have a say in my life anymore - that was HIS choice when he upped and left with the girlfriend - so why should I have a say in his? If he screws up the children, he has to live with that - if I screw up the children, I have to live with that. It's not easy, this separation lark, believe me! and let's face it, we could well have screwed them up by staying together anyway!

To the original poster - it is scary not being able to know where your children are and not being able to contact them when you want. Ignore the fact he is turning off the phone. Don't bring his attention to the fact that it's bothering you - he is less likely to continue down this path if you don't show him it's a problem. You need to play bluff, bluff, double bluff! Again, you can exercise some control by keep control yourself and dealing with what you can control and not what you can't. You are entering into a game for the rest of your natural life, I'm afraid, it helps to keep on top of it!

I accept the point that sometimes ex partners go off and do harm to themselves and the children - but in the case of the original poster, where the ex has gone off of his own accord with a nice, shiny new girlfriend and he is seeing his daughter when it suits him, he's not a candidate for something like that. I would hazard a guess that abuse, grief, disbelief and a mum playing games with access to the children play a major, major part in most cases. but I'm not an expert and may well be wrong.

Keep smiling OP - you'll get there. I guarentee you your ex will be crying on your shoulder when the new relationship breaks down - you'll have your 'revenge', we always do!