Children & contact with ex's partner

Person_one

Soubrette wrote: »

Although I do agree with you - it is a panic that the non resident parent must feel too. Sometimes the parent with care can move many many miles away - the non resident parent is not usually consulted and it's presented as a fait accompli.

Both parents should treat each other with respect - if the OP expects a certain standard of behaviour from her ex, then she must live up to that standard herself (not saying she won't - but all too often the NRP is left being told how to raise a child when they may well have different and equally valid ideas).

So in this instance, would she ever go somewhere overnight and not bother telling the NRP, would she wait 4 months before introducting a new boyfriend. Would she expect all new boyfriends to be vetted by the ex before this introduction?

We are moving away from the time when the mother was automatically assumed to be the only parent with care, we have joint custody and more men keen to assert both their rights and responsibilities as a parent - this, although more complicated, can only be a good thing

Sou

I'm not even getting into the issue about meeting the new partner, I just don't see what possible reason the ex could have for withholding his address, and it would make me really really uneasy. I'm sure he knows where the OP lives so this isn't an issue of reciprocity.

EDIT: Do the CSA need an address to chase up a claim?

clearingout

Person_one wrote: »

what if he stopped answering his phone when he had the children? Imagine the panic of not knowing where your children might be and having no way of finding out!

Look at it this way:
a) If your husband/partner was out with your children and you called and he didn't answer, what would your reaction be? That he was driving? That they were having such a great time at soft play they didn't hear the phone ring? That they are in the cinema so the phone is turned off? That he simply didn't get to it in time to answer it?
b) If your ex-husband/partner is out with your children and you call and he didn't answer, what would your reaction be? Total panic that he's playing with the children on the motorway? That the children are being transferred to another country to become slaves? That he and his new girlfriend are sexually abusing the children so can't answer the phone?!

It's ridiculous! You're all laughing at how ridiculous it is! Yet I defy any parent with care on this site to honestly say this has never crossed their minds at some point when their ex has taken the children off with the new partner! Myself included. When a relationship breaks down, you begin to see someone you once loved in a very different light. Niggly, annoying things suddenly become full-blown reasons for hating them and never wanting to see them again. We blow small things out of proportion. Kids end up in the middle because they are the ONLY thing that a couple has that can be used to really, really hurt the other person. It takes an awful lot of self-control and ability to rationalise to make sure you don't go down this route, whatever side of the fence you're on.

and when you do go down that route, what happens? court appearances, refusals to pay maintenance, children not allowed to see their fathers, children pushed from pillar to post....who the hell suffers in all of this?

Honestly people, it's HARD breaking up. If you've never done it, lucky, lucky, lucky you! Please, try and recognise that there are a) two sides to this issue and b) the only people that will suffer if it can't get sorted are the children. Many of us have to bite our lips on a regular basis and put up with things we wouldn't ever have put up with before - because that's best for the children. Try it!

Person_one

clearingout wrote: »

Look at it this way:
a) If your husband/partner was out with your children and you called and he didn't answer, what would your reaction be? That he was driving? That they were having such a great time at soft play they didn't hear the phone ring? That they are in the cinema so the phone is turned off? That he simply didn't get to it in time to answer it?
b) If your ex-husband/partner is out with your children and you call and he didn't answer, what would your reaction be? Total panic that he's playing with the children on the motorway? That the children are being transferred to another country to become slaves? That he and his new girlfriend are sexually abusing the children so can't answer the phone?!

It's ridiculous! You're all laughing at how ridiculous it is! Yet I defy any parent with care on this site to honestly say this has never crossed their minds at some point when their ex has taken the children off with the new partner! Myself included. When a relationship breaks down, you begin to see someone you once loved in a very different light. Niggly, annoying things suddenly become full-blown reasons for hating them and never wanting to see them again. We blow small things out of proportion. Kids end up in the middle because they are the ONLY thing that a couple has that can be used to really, really hurt the other person. It takes an awful lot of self-control and ability to rationalise to make sure you don't go down this route, whatever side of the fence you're on.

and when you do go down that route, what happens? court appearances, refusals to pay maintenance, children not allowed to see their fathers, children pushed from pillar to post....who the hell suffers in all of this?

Honestly people, it's HARD breaking up. If you've never done it, lucky, lucky, lucky you! Please, try and recognise that there are a) two sides to this issue and b) the only people that will suffer if it can't get sorted are the children. Many of us have to bite our lips on a regular basis and put up with things we wouldn't ever have put up with before - because that's best for the children. Try it!

I'd agree with you that it was ridiculous if it wasn't for the alarming frequency that fathers (its always fathers) without custody of their children gas them in cars in remote spots, or jump off buildings with them. Yes its unlikely, but it does happen, I'd say its in the news at least once a year.

You can't compare an ex to a current partner, most people trust their partner's, they believe they have each other's wellbeing at heart and that they know each other very well. None of this applies with an ex, often there has been betrayal of trust, poor behaviour, or the person has changed a lot since you loved and trusted them enough to have children with them.

I don't understand how his refusal to give an address can be defended, what possible good reason could he have to hide the information? How is it not suspicious behaviour?

Soubrette

clearingout wrote: »

Many of us have to bite our lips on a regular basis and put up with things we wouldn't ever have put up with before - because that's best for the children. Try it!

I wish I was as nice as you

Sou

Soubrette

Person_one wrote: »

I'd agree with you that it was ridiculous if it wasn't for the alarming frequency that fathers (its always fathers) without custody of their children gas them in cars in remote spots, or jump off buildings with them. Yes its unlikely, but it does happen, I'd say its in the news at least once a year.

You can't compare an ex to a current partner, most people trust their partner's they believe they have each other's wellbeing at heart and that they know each other very well. None of this applies with an ex, often there has been betrayal of trust, poor behaviour, or the person has changed a lot since you loved and trusted them enough to have children with them.

I don't understand how his refusal to give an address can be defended, what possible good reason could he have to hide the information? How is it not suspicious behaviour?

It's not always fathers

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1246546/Mother-Fiona-Donnison-kills-children-leaves-bodies-car-boot.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1279404/British-mother-accused-suffocating-children-Costa-Brava-hotel-room.html

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/07/21/pregnant-mother-kills-two-of-her-children-and-tries-to-murder-third-115875-21536245/

Sou

Person_one

Soubrette wrote: »

It's not always fathers

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1246546/Mother-Fiona-Donnison-kills-children-leaves-bodies-car-boot.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1279404/British-mother-accused-suffocating-children-Costa-Brava-hotel-room.html

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/07/21/pregnant-mother-kills-two-of-her-children-and-tries-to-murder-third-115875-21536245/

Sou

Very sad reading, and I stand corrected.

It doesn't change my opinion that openness and communication between parents is essential when they are living apart, secrets and games are not good.

Soubrette

Person_one wrote: »

Very sad reading, and I stand corrected.

It doesn't change my opinion that openness and communication between parents is essential when they are living apart, secrets and games are not good.

Definitely but there is usually, as in all relationships, one who is better at it than the other.

That does not excuse him withholding his address and I hope that is sorted out.

Sou

far2812

It is a very difficult situation but I am a NRP and I am "told" what I can and cannot do with my daughter. I think this is very unfair as you are EQUAL parents and whatever happens between your relationship with each other - you both had your child/children with joint responsibility.

It is actually very hard for NRP (although people believe they have the easy life) as we sit and wonder ALL the time how our children are, we don't make daily decisions etc etc.

I assume your ex has something about him (as you married him) to respect everyone involved in this situation - most importantly your child/ren.

It must be horrible for you as you must have been heart broken over the split - but reality is, that you are equal human beings and equal parents and you both have a responsibility to your daughter to do right by her!

I hope this doesn't sound harsh as I really don't want it to - but your daughter has high standards (with you as a mum!) and no-one will EVER live up to you in her eyes! Remember that! x

izzybusy23

Person_one wrote: »

I'd agree with you that it was ridiculous if it wasn't for the alarming frequency that fathers (its always fathers) without custody of their children gas them in cars in remote spots, or jump off buildings with them. Yes its unlikely, but it does happen, I'd say its in the news at least once a year.

You can't compare an ex to a current partner, most people trust their partner's, they believe they have each other's wellbeing at heart and that they know each other very well. None of this applies with an ex, often there has been betrayal of trust, poor behaviour, or the person has changed a lot since you loved and trusted them enough to have children with them.

I don't understand how his refusal to give an address can be defended, what possible good reason could he have to hide the information? How is it not suspicious behaviour?

Eeek stop it you are freaking me out!! This week we had words about my DD staying with his parents this week, 25 miles from my home (different county) because she is very clingy towards me and really didn't settle overnight down there a couple of weekends ago as she was crying and asking to come home, I understandably didn't want her to go. I relented in the end due to threats of going to court for visitation rights for him and his parents etc. Since she left my care on Tuesday morning, HE HAS TURNED HIS PHONE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luckily I can contact her at her grandparents house and have spoken to her every night.. but I still think its irresponsible of him to turn his phone off when he is the one who wanted her to go to his parents house and should be contactable 24/7 whilst she is down there. But he's turned his phone off to play mind games and has threatened to have it cut off altogether. So if he's going to do that, what chance is he going to surrender his address in the future ...

Person_one

izzybusy23 wrote: »

Eeek stop it you are freaking me out!! This week because we had words about my DD staying with his parents this week, 25 miles from my home (different county) because she is very clingy towards me and really didn't settle overnight down there a couple of weekends ago as she was crying and asking to come home, I understandably didn't want her to go. I relented in the end due to threats of going to court for visitation rights for him and his parents etc. Since she left my care on Tuesday morning, HE HAS TURNED HIS PHONE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luckily I can contact her at her grandparents house and have spoken to her every night.. but I still think its irresponsible of him to turn his phone off when he is the one who wanted her to go to his parents house and should be contactable 24/7 whilst she is down there. But he's turned his phone off to play mind games and has threatened to have it cut off altogether.

Sorry, didn't want to upset anyone.

This is exactly what I'm talking about though, your ex shouldn't be putting you in this position. How can he expect you to trust him when he sulks at the slightest disagreement. Imagine how you'd feel if he'd turned his phone off and you didn't know where the grandparents or him lived.