Children & contact with ex's partner

izzybusy23

Hi

Just a question and your thoughts really.

Me and my ex split up in Feb. It happened as I thought it had an affair, 4 months on he is still denying it, although I have some evidence now that they did infact start seeing each other on the night out which is what I had presumed.

Anyhow; I would just like to know how do people deal with contact for their child with the dad's new partner, and the one who broke up the marriage? I know that in time its inevitable that my daughter will meet said woman, but it churns me up inside that my daughter will be playing happy families with the two people who turned our lives upside down.

Another thing is that I don't know where ex is living; he hasn't volunteered his address as DD doesn't spent any nights with him. However, if in the future she does spend nights with him and said woman, they have to legally give me their address, correct? Now I know that will be a bone of contention nearer the time as he likes to know all about my life still but keeps his cards very close to his chest.

Even though it hurts to think there is a possibility she will become part of their new life; I know I should really meet his new girlfriend before she meets my daughter.. but I know it will be hard to be amicable when she wrecked my marriage.

I want to do right by my daugher and her relationship with her dad. Has anybody else gone through this and how did you come out the other side? I have moved on from the relationship and I know that my daughter needs contact with her dad but how do I deal with her meeting the new partner?

Thanks x

*Louise*

I wouldn't want the other woman involved until I was sure it was a long term relationship.

Insist that he sees his daughter on his own for a while longer (4 months is nothing really) in time, your feelings about the situation should have eased and it will be easier to come to terms with her.

And NOBODY would be taking my child to stay if I didn't know their address and full phone details etc, no chance!

Give yourself another few months, the stuation is understandably still raw at the moment

izzybusy23

*Louise* wrote: »

I wouldn't want the other woman involved until I was sure it was a long term relationship.

Insist that he sees his daughter on his own for a while longer (4 months is nothing really) in time, your feelings about the situation should have eased and it will be easier to come to terms with her.

And NOBODY would be taking my child to stay if I didn't know their address and full phone details etc, no chance!

Give yourself another few months, the stuation is understandably still raw at the moment

I have said that I don't want her introduced to any new woman for quite some time; but he has it in his head that I am seeing another man (been quite vile reagarding it and to the point of quizzing our daughter over it) and I can put my hand on my heart and wholeheartedly say I am not seeing anybody; but he seems to think that gives him the green light to now introduce her to whatever woman he is seeing.

I just don't want my daughter confused; but I know at some point the questions will keep coming from him and I will have to face it sooner or later.

Its all sooo stressful.

izzybusy23

Anybody had this to deal with.. would just like some ideas on how best to proceed with contact when ex raises the question of DD meeting new partner.

Thanks

Bubby

I haven't personally been in the situation but alot of it depends on the age of your daughter. If she is very young then she will not really understand if this partner and her dad don't work out in the long run so there is less damage to be done if she builds up a relationship with her. If she is older then I think the standard timescale advised by most people is a relationship of 6 months and then taking it slowly i.e rather than the whole time spent with dad spent with the partner instead spending time with dad and maybe meeting up with the partenr at the park, play area, meal etc.

I would however advise against you meeting the new partner, this is far far too early for you and your judgement will be clouded by the fact that she was responsible for your marriage break up. Any solicitor will tell you that you have every right to have his address if your daughter stays overnight.

Fang_3

I would be very wary of painting her as the person who wrecked your marriage. Thinks can't have been perfect for your marriage to fail, and no one forced your husband to leave you for her.

Your daughter will pick up on this, and as we've all seen from other threads it won't be a good environment for your daughter to be in if she thinks that she has to manage her loyalties depending on which parent she is with.

Have you filed for divorce yet?

memelalou

No help but i would be incredbly uneasy about not having an address or contact info even if he's taking her out.

Jo_R_2

My ex started seeing someone (who he eventually got married to) very soon after he moved out.

He was initially very keen for DDs (have two who were then aged 3 and almost 1) to meet her. My instinct was to hold off for a while. I wasn't sure how long a 'while' was, but I suppose what I was looking for was some reassurance that she wasn't going to be a short-term g/f, in and then out of his life, confusing the girls if they met her then met someone else, then met someone else etc.

Eventually I agreed; the planned meeting was a disaster as she freaked out on the day and decided she wasn't ready. Anyway, eventually it did happen, and suffice to say she is now actually a very nice and supportive stepmum to DDs, I consider us all to be quite lucky if you can think of it like that!

I would say put aside any feelings you have about this woman as the 'other woman' (be totally honest with yourself) and think about how to work it best for your DD. I can see you think your ex may be manipulating the situation as he thinks you have a new beau, which I do think quizzing your DD on is wrong btw, I can see how that would irk you.

How would a chat with the ex go if you sat down and explained your concerns? Would he be open to listening to your concerns and talking about it, maybe you suggesting a timeframe, maybe saying you feel comfortable if in the six months since he started seeing her (saying it was when you thought it was) they're still together it might be nice for DD to then meet her?

IMO it's very awkward for you and he's not being brilliant about it but making the effort to show you're open to the idea might help ease things?

Soubrette

I always try and remember that the my girls' Dad is my ex but their Dad. He has equal rights as a parent as do I so although I have the right to express concerns about things to him, I do not have the right to dictate my terms to him (unless it involved harm to the children).

I know it's heartbreaking to think that your daughter will be spending time with the person who broke up your marriage but it is much better for her if any girlfriends like and are liked by your daughter. In time you will meet someone else and you will decide when and if your daughter is ready to meet them, would you be happy if your ex starts dictating terms?

As to the address, I would have a word with him and say that you worry about her (I've assumed she's quite young) so you will always let him know where your daughter is if she is away from home but you would appreciate it if he does the same.

People bring up children in all sorts of different ways and my ex and I could never come to any sort of agreement so the girls learned that there was a set of rules at their Dads and a set of rules at their Mums and that was just the way it is.

They are older now so it's much easier.

Good luck

Sou

gonzo127

Soubrette wrote: »

I always try and remember that the my girls' Dad is my ex but their Dad. He has equal rights as a parent as do I so although I have the right to express concerns about things to him, I do not have the right to dictate my terms to him (unless it involved harm to the children).

I know it's heartbreaking to think that your daughter will be spending time with the person who broke up your marriage but it is much better for her if any girlfriends like and are liked by your daughter. In time you will meet someone else and you will decide when and if your daughter is ready to meet them, would you be happy if your ex starts dictating terms?

As to the address, I would have a word with him and say that you worry about her (I've assumed she's quite young) so you will always let him know where your daughter is if she is away from home but you would appreciate it if he does the same.

People bring up children in all sorts of different ways and my ex and I could never come to any sort of agreement so the girls learned that there was a set of rules at their Dads and a set of rules at their Mums and that was just the way it is.

They are older now so it's much easier.

Good luck

Sou

i agree with the above, i would very much like to hope that your ex, HER DAD would not knowingly put his daughter in a bad situation. so yes put your concerns accross to him but do try to to split your feelings about your marriage away from his rights and responsibilities as a parent.

as put above i would also expect you would be livid if when you eventually meet someone else yourself, if he turned around and told you that you was not allowed to introduce your daughter to him until he thought it was ok.

as to the address problem, well fully agree i would not be allowing my child to stay over until i had a address and phone number of where they where staying, and depending on the age of the child it might be worth investing in a small pay as you go mobile phone for when she does go to stay.

just try, as hard as it is, to remember that he is her dad, and she is not a weapon to be used as punishment against him for your marriage split, and being amicable will reap its own rewards in the future that can have far bigger repercussions than you can imagine now

example my wife split from her first husband due to an affair on his part (he is still actually with the women he had an affair with) however she never once stopped the kids from seeing him, sometimes having to 'force' them to go and see him when they couldnt be bothered. now they are old enough to make the choices themselves they are greatful that she made sure they had seen him and spent time with him although they much prefer to stay with us.

on the otherhand one of my step daughters friends parents split in simular circumstances (although not as deffinate he had an affair she just believed he had) anyways she with held access to their daughter for every and any reason she could due to her own hurt feelings, and now 6 years on her daughter has moved out of her house and moved in with her dad and her dads 'new' partner due to how controling the mum ended up being with her not allowing her to see him and his new partner

izzybusy23

Fang wrote: »

I would be very wary of painting her as the person who wrecked your marriage. Thinks can't have been perfect for your marriage to fail, and no one forced your husband to leave you for her.

Your daughter will pick up on this, and as we've all seen from other threads it won't be a good environment for your daughter to be in if she thinks that she has to manage her loyalties depending on which parent she is with.

Have you filed for divorce yet?

Hi there; divorce filed for yes; but he says I can wait 2 years for it.. so not too sure on where to go next with that.

My daughter doens't know anything about this other woman, well, not as far as I am aware. I haven't mentioned anything, not sure whether the ex has, but she hasn't mentioned her name to me so assuming not. I wouldn't paint her as a bad lady to her; but what does worry me is that she left her husband and his kids (her stepkids) to take up with my husband.. so if she's done it once, she can do it again. But I guess thats a scenario that may or may not happen but one that concerns me.

She is only 5 so yes I am concerned that he hasn't given me his address; but at the moment I pretty much know where they go when he takes her out.. he says he is moving in a few months time and will have room for her to stay then so I guess thats when I need to bring up the subject of me having his address.

Ok, I think I need to hold off for a few more months then, and if ex mentions it again I think I am going to have to ask him to sit down and discuss things; as in the 4 months since we have split, we have not had one face to face conversation, its all been via text and phone calls and nothing can be sorted out that way. I just needed to be assured that 4 months was still too early really for my DD to meet ex's new partner.

Thanks