Children & contact with ex's partner

maggied_2

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Just to add I have no experience of this whatsoever, (married for 39 years to the same man who is also my son's father) so will go with my gut feeling.

I would not want my child at that age to meet the 'other woman' unless they had a relationship of at least a year's duration or they were married (because getting married shows more commitment and anyway she would be his wife not just 'a girlfriend'). Certainly not if I did not know who she was.

However, I would want my child to have a relationship with his father. So maybe they could met on neutral ground, such as a relative's or friend's house, or maybe the girlfriend could visit her own family on that day?

Obviously of course the ex would have to agree to this. Maybe if you show him how uneasy it makes you feel, and why, he would agree?

I would not want a young child to go ANYWHERE where I had no address and no means of contacting them.

I agree on the address thing, certainly but expecting an ex to be married or tell his girlfriend to go and do something else while he sees his kids? Come on, that's so unrealistic!

I met my OH's daughter a few months in although didn't stay over for quite a while. Four and a half years on we are not married but I'm far more than 'just a girlfriend'.

In understand why you feel this way if you haven't had to consider this situation (lucky you ) but how would OP feel if she met someone and the ex dictated the terms under which she was 'allowed' to act. Soubrette hasa it spot on as always . The X is her X but that doesn't diminish him as a father.

OP - I understand your discomfort with this situation but you have to be the bigger person and accept that you don't have so much of a say anymore. Your ex is entitled to move on (as are you) and unless your daughter is in harm's way you have to trust him to make parenting decisions (good or bad).If you're the stable one who's always there, doesn't have the drama of new relationships and new people moving through your lilves all the time your DD will remember it. It's something we try to remind ourselves oftern when DSD's mum has yet another new bloke staying over several nights a week, one of them even spent Christmas day (God knows what happened to him), the fallouts, the uncertainty.... it's a long game .

gonzo127

i guess thats a good question

what harm is likely to come to the child if she does meet the new girlfriend?

if the answer is none then in all reality what is the problem?

if he doesnt last with the new women what harm will this cause her? i expect none or at least no more than her mum and dad spliting up, and will teach her a bit more about how to deal with loss and change which could make her a stronger person when she gets older

and yes i beleive you are well within your right to know where she is and have the ability to contact her, at 5-6 years old you could get her a very cheap mobile phone which you give to her everytime she goes to her dads so you have that one point of contact,

clearingout

This is a minefield and one you will need to tread through carefully. My ex introduced our children - then aged 2 and 4 - to the other woman just 8 days after leaving me. At the same time, he was denying he was having an affair and telling the children to keep the new woman a secret - let's just say, they didn't!

Has it damaged the children? I don't think so. What did damage them was the fact the other woman couldn't give a you know what about them and was, in my opinion, abusive towards them (smacking, calling me names, taking their toys and hiding them....) which is why she is now the ex-other woman. My ex-husband came to his senses eventually but they were unhappy children in the interim. That, sadly, is something I had to accept. Better they saw their father than not, I feel. But it was a dreadful time.

If it helps, the denial he's having an affair is very common - he may never admit it. Try and gloss over it. Accept her as a given in your ex's life and don't use her as something to beat him over the head with (very hard, I know).

There is nothing illegal about introducing your child to your new 'partner' very quickly. If your ex is determined, better to go with it and make it as pleasant an experience as you can for your daughter - a lot of gritted teeth will be called for. Don't question her about the other woman (however tempting) and accept that she may well like her (this is a good thing, however annoying). Your daughter will be more stressed out about it all if she feels she is somehow upsetting mummy. You may have to prepare yourself for a string of 'aunties'. Equally, she may be in it for the long haul. You have no way of knowing. Your life will be far easier if you try to accept rather than fight...Pick your fights, some things you can control, others you can't.

The address thing is worrying but I'm pretty sure there's no legal requirement for him to give it you. He could get diffiuclt and say you've been harassing him and his girlfriend, for example, which would be reason to keep it from you (not saying you're doing this, it's just how these guilty minds work sometimes!). You need to see it like this: some months from now you may well find yourself in a new relationship. Ideally, your ex and yourself will have a decent relationship and be able to discuss what is going on. but this is unlikely (not come across it myself yet!). do you want him interfering? Do you want him telling you what is best for your daughter? If you move in with your new partner, do you want him coming over and inspecting your daughter's bedroom? Do you want to have to explain where you are going with your daughter when she is in your care? No? Then you can't expect him to put up with it either. As mums, we sometimes get the idea that we are 'better' than the dad at knowing what is 'right' for the child. You have to trust that dad will do his best, as you would have done when together. But it's hard and very, very unfair when you're the one on the receiving end of the betrayal, I know.

Take care of yourself - and pick those fights carefully! x

seven-day-weekend

maggied wrote: »

I agree on the address thing, certainly but expecting an ex to be married or tell his girlfriend to go and do something else while he sees his kids? Come on, that's so unrealistic!

I met my OH's daughter a few months in although didn't stay over for quite a while. Four and a half years on we are not married but I'm far more than 'just a girlfriend'.

In understand why you feel this way if you haven't had to consider this situation (lucky you ) but how would OP feel if she met someone and the ex dictated the terms under which she was 'allowed' to act. Soubrette hasa it spot on as always . The X is her X but that doesn't diminish him as a father.

OP - I understand your discomfort with this situation but you have to be the bigger person and accept that you don't have so much of a say anymore. Your ex is entitled to move on (as are you) and unless your daughter is in harm's way you have to trust him to make parenting decisions (good or bad).If you're the stable one who's always there, doesn't have the drama of new relationships and new people moving through your lilves all the time your DD will remember it. It's something we try to remind ourselves oftern when DSD's mum has yet another new bloke staying over several nights a week, one of them even spent Christmas day (God knows what happened to him), the fallouts, the uncertainty.... it's a long game .

I actually said 'a relationship of at least a year OR if they were married'. OK, I admit I have no experience of this, but I would want to know before my child met my ex's girlfriend that she wasn't just the first of a long string of 'Aunties'. I think otherwise it would be very unsettling for the child.

A long-term relationship and/or marriage would demonstrate this to me.

That's my opinion, just thought I'd explain why I felt like that, but seeing as many relationships these days seem to be very 'fluid', I'm obviously very much in a minority with my views and accept this.

marshmallows

I think it depends, do you trust your ex?
You are never going to be keen on your children meeting their parents new partner whether it is tomorrow or in 6 months.
Would you tell your ex if and when you get a new partner? will you wait until he is comfortable with the kids meeting him until you introduced them?

As for the address thing , it is a tough one, he legally doesnt have to tell you where he lives but its courtesy unless he has good reason not to tell you, harassing, stalking etc (not saying you do any of this)
As long as he gives you a contact number incase of an emergency i would trust him, failing that offer to drop the children to him and then you will know where he is with them

LillythePink

I broke up with my hub due to my affair - we moved in together 3 months after meeting - ok unconventional - internet thing - I left my hub and took my daughter with me.

So my daughter who was 18 months old at the time met (my now hub) once before he came over here - this was about 2 months into our relationship.

Whilst my ex was obviously unhappy at us splitting up, he really had no choice in the matter of her meeting him - the only thing that he did ask for was a police check which was clear.

He is now married so she does have a step mum (who she doesn't like) and she sees him every other weekend - it has all worked out for us - even given the quick meet.

On the other side of the coin - a male friend of mine has a daughter (same age as mine 10) and he split up from the mother when she was about 3 - since then he has moved on about every 15 months from one woman to another - each time going out for things as a family - the issue for the daughter is that she obviously forms a relationship with each of the new women (who have treated her really well) but when the dad splits with them, she is no longer allowed to mention their name, contact them or anything and if she does mention an ex he is annoyed and tells her off - that is the unfair thing and does effect her (she lives with the mum)

I think that you need to have an adult conversation with him and just put your point of view across about the other woman and you will have to bite your tongue about a lot of stuff which will be hard, but necessary

as for the address - I would definately want one of those - even if he was just taking her out - maybe a bit unreasonable to some, but its just something that I would want.

Fang_3

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Just to add I have no experience of this whatsoever, (married for 39 years to the same man who is also my son's father) so will go with my gut feeling.

I would not want my child at that age to meet the 'other woman' unless they had a relationship of at least a year's duration or they were married (because getting married shows more commitment and anyway she would be his wife not just 'a girlfriend'). Certainly not if I did not know who she was.

However, I would want my child to have a relationship with his father. So maybe they could met on neutral ground, such as a relative's or friend's house, or maybe the girlfriend could visit her own family on that day?

Obviously of course the ex would have to agree to this. Maybe if you show him how uneasy it makes you feel, and why, he would agree?

I would not want a young child to go ANYWHERE where I had no address and no means of contacting them.

Effectively stopping the dad from having his children stay with him? I presume that you would remain single then so as to stop your children being mentally destroyed by the horror of meeting your new partner?

Person_one

I'm not married or a parent so maybe my opinion isn't worth much, but to me the main issue here, a HUGE issue, is that the OP has no contact details for her husband.

As parent with residence, I wouldn't be allowing any visitation out of my sight without this, what if he stopped answering his phone when he had the children? Imagine the panic of not knowing where your children might be and having no way of finding out!

izzybusy23

clearingout wrote: »

This is a minefield and one you will need to tread through carefully. My ex introduced our children - then aged 2 and 4 - to the other woman just 8 days after leaving me. At the same time, he was denying he was having an affair and telling the children to keep the new woman a secret - let's just say, they didn't!

Has it damaged the children? I don't think so. What did damage them was the fact the other woman couldn't give a you know what about them and was, in my opinion, abusive towards them (smacking, calling me names, taking their toys and hiding them....) which is why she is now the ex-other woman. My ex-husband came to his senses eventually but they were unhappy children in the interim. That, sadly, is something I had to accept. Better they saw their father than not, I feel. But it was a dreadful time.

If it helps, the denial he's having an affair is very common - he may never admit it. Try and gloss over it. Accept her as a given in your ex's life and don't use her as something to beat him over the head with (very hard, I know).

There is nothing illegal about introducing your child to your new 'partner' very quickly. If your ex is determined, better to go with it and make it as pleasant an experience as you can for your daughter - a lot of gritted teeth will be called for. Don't question her about the other woman (however tempting) and accept that she may well like her (this is a good thing, however annoying). Your daughter will be more stressed out about it all if she feels she is somehow upsetting mummy. You may have to prepare yourself for a string of 'aunties'. Equally, she may be in it for the long haul. You have no way of knowing. Your life will be far easier if you try to accept rather than fight...Pick your fights, some things you can control, others you can't.

The address thing is worrying but I'm pretty sure there's no legal requirement for him to give it you. He could get diffiuclt and say you've been harassing him and his girlfriend, for example, which would be reason to keep it from you (not saying you're doing this, it's just how these guilty minds work sometimes!). You need to see it like this: some months from now you may well find yourself in a new relationship. Ideally, your ex and yourself will have a decent relationship and be able to discuss what is going on. but this is unlikely (not come across it myself yet!). do you want him interfering? Do you want him telling you what is best for your daughter? If you move in with your new partner, do you want him coming over and inspecting your daughter's bedroom? Do you want to have to explain where you are going with your daughter when she is in your care? No? Then you can't expect him to put up with it either. As mums, we sometimes get the idea that we are 'better' than the dad at knowing what is 'right' for the child. You have to trust that dad will do his best, as you would have done when together. But it's hard and very, very unfair when you're the one on the receiving end of the betrayal, I know.

Take care of yourself - and pick those fights carefully! x

Thanks for this message; its nice to hear from someone who has gone through it; and come out the other side.

My DD is actually with her grandparents this week, and her dad is down with her tonight until Sunday morning. So i totally trust him with her, always have, always will... so I guess I am just going to have to grin and bear it with her meeting his new partner.. and as others have said, make sure its a nice experience for her so she doesn't feel awkward and disloyal to her mummy! Like you say, pick my fights carefully and an awful lot of gritted teeth will be called for.

Many thanks x

Soubrette

Person_one wrote: »

I'm not married or a parent so maybe my opinion isn't worth much, but to me the main issue here, a HUGE issue, is that the OP has no contact details for her husband.

As parent with residence, I wouldn't be allowing any visitation out of my sight without this, what if he stopped answering his phone when he had the children? Imagine the panic of not knowing where your children might be and having no way of finding out!

Although I do agree with you - it is a panic that the non resident parent must feel too. Sometimes the parent with care can move many many miles away - the non resident parent is not usually consulted and it's presented as a fait accompli.

Both parents should treat each other with respect - if the OP expects a certain standard of behaviour from her ex, then she must live up to that standard herself (not saying she won't - but all too often the NRP is left being told how to raise a child when they may well have different and equally valid ideas).

So in this instance, would she ever go somewhere overnight and not bother telling the NRP, would she wait 4 months before introducting a new boyfriend. Would she expect all new boyfriends to be vetted by the ex before this introduction?

We are moving away from the time when the mother was automatically assumed to be the only parent with care, we have joint custody and more men keen to assert both their rights and responsibilities as a parent - this, although more complicated, can only be a good thing

Sou