Equitable Relationship

Danstar_2

I'd like opinions on my relationship here. I'm 21, a student living with his parents commuting daily to uni and my girlfriend is 19 was training to be a dental hygenist now back at college. We have been together for 18 months and I love her but recently I have these gripes.

Now I'm better off than she is as I get my cc with a limit of £500 paid off everymonth and I have a part time job as a waiter in a local restaurant 2/3 shifts a week. My girlfriend works part time ina retauantant also since She quit her dental higenist training, is at college now doing more a levels and gets a £40 a week allowance.

I was used to it being pretty even on dates etc. We took it in turns paying. Except now I pay for everything, and when she says she will pay I always end up having to make up the difference when we go out.

We go out to eat 2 times a week cinema 1-2 times and put for lunch now it's sunny again 2-3 times she also doesn't drive and I drive everywhere.

Now I don't have a problem with paying virtually for everything it bothers me that when she says she will pay for something like the cinema tonight he takes out £10 and I endup paying £15 to cover the cost of tickets over what she's brought out and popcorn and drinks.

This itself isn't the problem but she has enough money to pay for all her make up and clothes etc. It's not that I can't afford to supplement her paying for dates but to me it seems selfish.


Totally unrelated.

Do you think it's acceptable for a girl to take 45minutes to do hair and makeup and several dress changes to go out for lunch? I don't, it makes me feel as though my time isn't as important ad her vanity and she is getting worse for it. I have told her I find it disrespectful and she should be reasonable but she argues I should be more patient.

Any opinions are welcome. I apologise for typos etc. This is on my iPhone.

Person_one

Wow.

First of all, 45 minutes is nothing. Count yourself lucky. I have friends who take at least an hour to get out of the house at all and if its a date or an occasion you're looking at 2-4. You realise its you she's trying to look nice for? I bet if she stopped you'd complain that she doesn't make an effort for you anymore!

As for money, I have a few questions before I offer an opinion. When you say "I get my cc with a limit of £500 paid off every month" do you mean from the wages from your part time job or do your parents help you out?

Does she have any income apart from her £40 or any support from family etc?

If you feel like your girlfriend is using you financially, just stop suggesting dates that cost money and spend time together that is free or cheap. You're talking about between 5 and 7 'dates' a week that cost money, that's an awful lot on just £40 a week!

tabskitten

I really really wish that my problems in life were as trivial as yours.

Do not look forward to the day that you have to enter the real world!!!

mrcow

You asked for opinons.

Well, if you are worried about spending all your money on dates and her not reciprocating, then cut it back a bit.

Go to the cinema on Wednesdays when it's 2 for 1 with Orange. Or get deals on dinner 2 for 1 - they are everywhere! Sign up to the free cinema ticket deals and go for nothing! Do cheaper stuff and you won't resent it too much.


But......don't cut your nose off to splite your face. Just enjoy each other. You don't want to turn into a crabby penny pinching boyfriend who doesn't understand how long it really takes to get dressed.

Danstar_2

Person_one wrote: »

Wow.

First of all, 45 minutes is nothing. Count yourself lucky. I have friends who take at least an hour to get out of the house at all and if its a date or an occasion you're looking at 2-4. You realise its you she's trying to look nice for? I bet if she stopped you'd complain that she doesn't make an effort for you anymore!

As for money, I have a few questions before I offer an opinion. When you say "I get my cc with a limit of £500 paid off every month" do you mean from the wages from your part time job or do your parents help you out?

Does she have any income apart from her £40 or any support from family etc?

If you feel like your girlfriend is using you financially, just stop suggesting dates that cost money and spend time together that is free or cheap. You're talking about between 5 and 7 'dates' a week that cost money, that's an awful lot on just £40 a week!

no it's my allowance my dad pays it off rather than give me the money in my bank so I build a credit history for getting a mortgage. It's meant to just be for uni expenses like trains petrol books stationary lunch etc but as long as it's not £500 month after month it's cheaper than my halls fees in first year.

She has a part time job as a waitress doing 2-3 shifts a week too. I would do things that don't cost money like go the musuems and galleries but she isn't that way culturally inclined. I don't think she's using m we have been together too long and it used to be pretty 50/50 and we've been together for a year and a half.

lostinrates

Danstar wrote: »

We go out to eat 2 times a week cinema 1-2 times and put for lunch now it's sunny again 2-3 times she also doesn't drive and I drive everywhere.

That's a pretty hefty mount of ''social spending'' on food/entertainment for nothing tangible to show for it. I had a good income as a self employed graduate at 21 and I wouldn't have paid for that. I wouldn't pay that much for my social life now tbh and consider my self ''comfortably off''. If I have read that correct;y you are spending between 2-5 times a week on eating food out (twice week plus lunches 2 -3 times) and the cinema 0ne twice a week? That's a not insignificant spend every day of the week?

Have you and GF any interests in common that mean you could spend time together doing something less expensive? Even something like a salsa class would give you a skill, which might be useful if this relationship doesn't work out? Or spending sometime together helping someone else for free...like volunteering with The Cinnamon trust to help an older person by taking their dog for a walk?

The thing that would concern me is that the spending now might not be sustainable when, for example, you change living arrangements, or graduate and are getting used to being more independant. Financial change/pressure can make other aspects of life harder. Whether the relationship works out or not -I hope it does- I would tenttively suggest, and hope you forgive the intrusive comment, that you reconsider this type of spending so often, life will offer you time for lots of luxuries more often later.

Good luck.

45 mins? Of course thats fine, but running late isn't...

Person_one

Danstar wrote: »

no it's my allowance my dad pays it off rather than give me the money in my bank so I build a credit history for getting a mortgage. It's meant to just be for uni expenses like trains petrol books stationary lunch etc but as long as it's not £500 month after month it's cheaper than my halls fees in first year.

She has a part time job as a waitress doing 2-3 shifts a week too. I would do things that don't cost money like go the musuems and galleries but she isn't that way culturally inclined. I don't think she's using me we have been together too long and it used to be pretty 50/50 and we've been together for a year and a half.

Then what's your beef? What do you want to happen here? Do you want her to contribute equally even though you have up to £500 worth of expenses paid for you every month? You're obviously better off so why not use a bit of your good fortune for the woman you love/care about.

Saying that she's not 'culturally inclined' towards museums and art galleries sounds a bit snobbish tbh, do you mean she doesn't enjoy them? Lots of people don't, nothing wrong with that. I love them but my very intelligent ex didn't. There are lots of free ways to spend your time, how about walks in parks, nights in with the DVDs you already own, play scrabble or monopoly which sound boring but are actually quite cute when you're a couple.

Danstar_2

Thanks for the help guys. I appreciate the suggestions, we do walk her dogs and by culturally inclined I didn't mean to come across as a snob she just doesn't like or do that sort of thing despite my suggestions.

I'm interested in the salsa class as it sounds fun, probably wise to reign in social spending since we're going on holiday next month. We do all the cute things too, like for our anniversary I made a bonfire in the snow at the bottom of my garden in January in the snow and we toasted marshmallows and had champagne. I'd taken her out to eat (suprise) and had it all set up for when we got home. The able made a great cooler for the champagne and thanks to some help from my step dad built a pretty sizeable bonfire and all i had to do was light it. It was so romantic. I was so proud of myself

I guess we're just used to doing what we always have done and all our friends are the same...eating out is kind of habitual, it's a routine. I guess I just had a flash of self pity in the form of non appreciation and relationship boredom.

Advice from older wiser people always welcome and thanks for not just rediculing me about the 45 minutes thing ha.

mrcow

Danstar wrote: »

Advice from older wiser people always welcome

Oi watch it!

Gloomendoom

Danstar wrote: »

Do you think it's acceptable for a girl to take 45minutes to do hair and makeup and several dress changes to go out for lunch? I don't, it makes me feel as though my time isn't as important ad her vanity and she is getting worse for it. I have told her I find it disrespectful and she should be reasonable but she argues I should be more patient.

45 minutes?

Boy have you got a lot to learn!

Just thank God you weren't born a woman.

RadoJo

Just wanted to add that not all women take 45 minutes or anywhere close to that to get ready, but it's unlikely to change, so if it annoys you, it might be worth considering a lower maintenance girl for the long term.