Equitable Relationship

neneromanova

Danstar wrote: »

To me it feels disrespectful as though my time is less valuable than hers. I don't mind her getting ready but I'm literally sat there in the chair in be room waiting and watching.

I am grateful to the support I get since I'm at university. I do alot for my parents though, forever doing little favors for my mum or going into work for my dad if A few people are off ill. The post you're referncing to though, my 21st birthday I was completely forgot about.

You just keep getting better and better. You did a really nice thing for your mums birthday...SO WHAT?!?! She gave birth to you, helped you to grow up, did things with you when you were younger. I think I'd expect that from my DD when she gets to 21. My 21st was 2 years ago. No fuss was made but that's the kind of family we are. you are so lucky to have these few problems in your life! Count yourself lucky!

As for Her getting ready, You sit in the chair. Do you talk to her at all? Surely the fact you're both there together it doesn't show that she's disrespectful at all! Actually that she is more respectful that you are!

I really hope this is all a wind up!

jimbms

Don't be too suprised when she dumps you soon for a more understanding model will you.

Gloomendoom

Danstar wrote: »

To me it feels disrespectful as though my time is less valuable than hers. I don't mind her getting ready but I'm literally sat there in the chair in be room waiting and watching.

What the hell has 'respect' got do with it. Inconsiderate might be a better term. However, I don't even think she is being that, she is doing her best to make herself look nice for you. Innit.

Caroline73_2

I would suggest that the GF always took this long to ready but did it before you met up. Now you have been together a while she feels comfortable getting ready in front of you.

Jo_R_2

If she doesn't have as much money as she initially did, yet you are wanting to go out and sustain the same social lifestyle, then IMO it's six of one and half a dozen of the other. Ie you want to carry on doing the same stuff, paying the same amount of money as it used to cost, knowing she doesn't have as much money. Her knowing she doesn't have as much money but still wanting to do the same stuff means inevitably there's going to be a financial gap - which you are filling. And therein lies the crux of that problem - either you continue to make up what she can't/won't pay for, you address it with her and come to some kind of compromise, or you start doing other stuff you can both contribute equally to.

The getting ready - just to clarify, is she ready on time? If so then I'm afraid it's put up with it:) She's entitled to get ready - and has been pointed out, remember she more than likely wants to look nice for you as well as herself:D You should be flattered she makes such an effort.

If however she takes that long and leaves you running late as a result then that's quite rude IMO. My OH (bit of role reversal here!) takes an age in the shower, getting ready and whatnot, and it drives me mad as we are so often late because of it. Not sure I have a solution to that one (not that I've found anyway!)

euronorris

Danstar wrote: »

To me it feels disrespectful as though my time is less valuable than hers. I don't mind her getting ready but I'm literally sat there in the chair in be room waiting and watching.

I am grateful to the support I get since I'm at university. I do alot for my parents though, forever doing little favors for my mum or going into work for my dad if A few people are off ill. The post you're referncing to though, my 21st birthday I was completely forgot about.

You don't HAVE to sit there and watch and wait. That's your choice. You could watch TV, read a book, or even arrive later to pick her up.

45 minutes is nothing! I had a friend in college who would easily take 2-3 hours to get ready to go ANYWHERE! And was rubbish with time keeping also, so was always late. But.....she's grown up since then, her time keeping has improved and she no longer feels the need to put on so much make up, or spend ages doing her hair.

You do a lot for your parents?? Are you kidding me??? How long have you been doing stuff for them? And how long have they spent bringing you up, paying for EVERYTHING for at least the first 16 years of your life, looking after you when you're sick and even now, they're supporting you at uni and you think that 'doing little favours for your Mum and working for your Dad occasionally' makes you even?? Seriously?!

What bubble are you living in?!

I wouldn't have done anything for your birthday either if you were acting so ungrateful!

God, even if I was in the position to buy my parents a big fancy house, and I did, I still wouldn't feel that it made up for all the time, money and sacrafices they made for me over the years!

euronorris

Jo_R wrote: »

If however she takes that long and leaves you running late as a result then that's quite rude IMO. My OH (bit of role reversal here!) takes an age in the shower, getting ready and whatnot, and it drives me mad as we are so often late because of it. Not sure I have a solution to that one (not that I've found anyway!)

Tell him that the booking, or meeting time is earlier than it actually is. That way, he should be ready on time!

Used to do this with my friend at college. We'd tell her we were meeting at 7, instead of 9. You guessed it, she turned up at 9, which is when we actually wanted to meet!

And one time, she was actually on time, and none of us were there. She was pretty angry at first, until we explained that that is the position she puts us in so often. She was never late again after that.

mistrihelen

Oh OP, you are going to get a lot of stick here.

You remind me an awful lot of a boyfriend I had when I was 18. He was much better off than me, not because he worked but because he had a healthy allowance and generous grandparents. Fair enough. We tried to pay for things pretty much equally but he'd get annoyed because I had to work so much (because I didn't have an allowance) and he'd charge me for petrol if he offered a lift home from college (so I got the bus instead). He was just really tight with money but also unable to understand why it was harder for me to access money than him - I wasn't asking for anything, just wanted a bit of understanding!

If your girlfriend has less money than you, it's because she's not being given £500 a month just to build up a credit rating (which as has already been said can be done with a phone contract). While she shouldn't necessarily expect you to pay more, you should be understanding that she has less disposable income than you. Both of you should realise that you can't go out as often as you do. There are inexpensive ways to spend time together - especially in this nice warmer weather.

If you don't want to sit around waiting for her to get ready, why not turn up when she is ready? And if you're already there, just busy yourself as you normally would - with a book or game or something. Believe me I get ready quick and probably wouldn't bother with much at all for lunch but if I was going for a nice dinner then I too would probably need at least 45 mins!

These little complaints do make me wonder how strongly you feel for your other half. You're together during what's quite a transitory period in your life - people change so much while studying and finding a career and you might just end up going in opposite directions. Getting annoyed now at little things should make you reevaluate - what/who do you really want?

Lastly you should realise how lucky you have it at home, most people your age would be charged rent, not given money for a credit card each month.

Danstar_2

I started this thread for opinions on my relationship with regards to how equitable it is and with regards to the time keeping issue with the purpose or having some perspective from 3rd party neautrals. Not to be lambasted by some people. Without personally knowing me you can't say I am ungrateful to my parents.

Most of the posts have been genuine responses making suggestions as well as offering relative experience to the issue of my girlfriends time keeping. Yet some people seem to think it's a productive use of their time to spam this thread with ignorant comments being plain rude. It's not necessary and not wanted. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions but just as if you were a racist today, for example, you'd be expected to remain exteriorly tolerant rather than hysterical and hateful.

GEEGEE8

I just got made redundant and my boyfriend has been really sweet, paying for cinema, snowboarding at the local slope, helping me with fuel money if I'm driving, paying for half/most of the shopping when he visits me at the weekend.

The thing is, he knows I work hard in our relationship and that I have a good career ahead of me one day.. I think he is hoping I'll get him a flash car one day ! lol

The thing is, I've paid for stuff in the past, and even spent £300 on his birthday last year for a Lambourghini day for us both, and £400 to go to Ireland, plus various other gifts..

I think if you love eachother you don't count up these things. Just try to be sensible and as long as you honestly, deep down, don't think she is using you, then stick with it and try to reduce costs by the above suggestions.

Until she gets a better job one day, this is how it is. If she is doing her A levels then she must be planning a career?