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interfering mother issues

Tygermoth
Posts: 1,413 Forumite


So i am off to my parents to visit for a few days.
I am dreading it for a number of reasons. Namely the ability my mother has of giving me the rage.
I am in my late thirties, hold a very good job, live in a idyllic cottage with my long term partner, three cats, eleven chickens and love it all.... so how is it within ten minutes of arrival will I be bombarded by an onslaught of snide remarks and subtle jibes that i cant seem to defend myself against.
It will be sly comments about my weight, hints about not getting younger and having babies (despite us telling her repeatedly and in every manner possible since i was 16 we have no desire in any way shape of form to have children) then we will move on to jibes about being unmarried.
If i defend its 'oohh hit a nerve have we' or 'so sensitive aren't we?' and if i don't its 'we your not saying no, so that means yes' grrrr. Its so hard to describe how frustratring it is as you cant win either way... so i want a way not to even let her get started.
So aside from committing violence on the woman anyone offer a response that will close down this type of conversation before it even gets going in a way that is constructive but clear?
Please help me save my sanity.
I am dreading it for a number of reasons. Namely the ability my mother has of giving me the rage.
I am in my late thirties, hold a very good job, live in a idyllic cottage with my long term partner, three cats, eleven chickens and love it all.... so how is it within ten minutes of arrival will I be bombarded by an onslaught of snide remarks and subtle jibes that i cant seem to defend myself against.
It will be sly comments about my weight, hints about not getting younger and having babies (despite us telling her repeatedly and in every manner possible since i was 16 we have no desire in any way shape of form to have children) then we will move on to jibes about being unmarried.
If i defend its 'oohh hit a nerve have we' or 'so sensitive aren't we?' and if i don't its 'we your not saying no, so that means yes' grrrr. Its so hard to describe how frustratring it is as you cant win either way... so i want a way not to even let her get started.
So aside from committing violence on the woman anyone offer a response that will close down this type of conversation before it even gets going in a way that is constructive but clear?
Please help me save my sanity.
Please note I have a cognitive disability - as such my wording can be a bit off, muddled, misspelt or in some cases i can miss out some words totally...
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Comments
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In that case why visit?0
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No advice to give, but if it helps my mother is just the same! I tend to bite my tongue at the time and refuse to rise to the bait, then offload on my OH afterwards. When I compare my life with her though, I can see that the reason why she makes these kinds of remarks is jealousy that I've had opportunities which she hasn't. In her own head, she probably thinks she's taking me down a peg or two, and I think it's sad that's how she feels.0
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not want to look and run
have you tried actually saying exactly what you have written here?
maybe frame it better but still the idea is there
is another thread somewhere about instead of trying to change the other person
change the way you think about that person
so if she makes a snide remark just ask if she is jealous
if she says yes just shrug it oiff
if she says no ypu cuold just ask her to stop then63 mortgage payments to go.
Zero wins 2016 😥0 -
It will be sly comments about my weight, hints about not getting younger and having babies (despite us telling her repeatedly and in every manner possible since i was 16 we have no desire in any way shape of form to have children) then we will move on to jibes about being unmarried.
We used to get the "when you having a baby", "ohhh a baby will be the making of you" type comments at any family do which used to drive us nuts.
Until one day my wife snapped at one of the male relatives and announced it was highly impossible that she would be getting pregnant by me, seeing as I had just had the snip. Everyone fell silent and was shocked, since then not one single comment about babies has been put our way.
Oddly some of the parents in the family commented they had admired what we had done, as they felt too much pressure to have kids, and if they had their time again they would be childfree.0 -
I'm also not able to offer any advice, because it's pretty much what happens with me and my mum. I am usually a calm and together person, and yet she can make me behave like a teenager again sometimes, and I hate myself for reacting.
Possibly it's jealousy, possibly it's the way that you choose to live your life would not make her happy. Obviously you can understand that what is right for you and your OH may not be right for someone else. Presumably marriage and children were important to her, and maybe she even feels dismissed because you do not want these things in your life.
It really might work to have a heart to heart with her and tell her that whilst you feel marriage and children are right for other people, they are not right for you, that you are happy with your weight and maybe feel there is more to a person than their size and appearance, tell her the truth but as pleasantly and agreeably as possible.
I have done this with my mum and still get the snide comments, but it is a lot better than it was.
At least I can visit without having to stay a few days, though.
Good luck and try not to give up on her.0 -
they sound really boring and heavy. Dont they ever light up and tell jokes make banter etc?
I wouldnt go if it was that bad? Lifes for enjoying?:footie:0 -
Why not write some cards out that say:
"I and my GP are quite happy with my weight"
"We do not want to have a family"
"We are very happy living together and don't feel the need to be married"
and then produce them every time a question is asked?0 -
I know it would take the patience of Job but why not decide to not respond at all to these continued and impertinent interrogations? If people don't get a response they'll stop asking eventually. Well, sane ones would, at least. Or just try "We're perfectly content but thanks for asking" every time a question is asked?0
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to the questions about marriage & babies, just tell her that you don't want to end up like her0
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you could possibly take a slightly different approach to answering, depending on how open your mum is about these sort of things you could respond with something like this
the babies comments
reply - i just dont want to have children as i really enjoy the fact me and OH can have some mad rampent sex when ever and where ever we desire
the younger comments
reply - yes i know isnt it great me and OH have learnt so much about what each other like in bed over the years i do always wonder what else we will find out we like especially when you look at some of the toys you can buy
the weight comments
reply - well other half doesnt seem to have any problems with it and we havent broken any furniture yet however the other day i thought we might break the coffee table...
anyways you get the idea, unfortunatly my parents have always been very open about sex and things like that so comments like that would not make them uncomfortable however i know of so many other parents who would just want to earth to swollow them if their 'children' came out with comments of that sortDrop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0
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