interfering mother issues

euronorris

Perhaps you should just ask her why she's so interested in your weight and having babies? And I don't mean ask sarcastically, but genuinely ask and listen to her answer.

I suspect, deep down, that she is jealous of your slim figure and the fact that you're child free. Or perhaps, she wishes she had had more children when she had the chance.

Maybe if you discover the cause behind the comments, you can stop them.

If that doesn't work, I would sit down with her and seriously ask her why she fails to listen to your answers each time? After all, if she doesn't want to know the truth, then why ask?

System

Just to say ive gone through hell and back with my Mother over the years up until 4 years ago when i realized enough was enough. My brother could do no wrong, i could do nothing right. I tried to put what was right between us several times and failed miserably.

I havent seen her for 4 years now and although i feel that i did the right thing for me it hasnt been an easy decision to make/keep.

louise3965

Every time she says something snide, say "sorry, didnt catch that" and then when she keep on having to repeat it and asks if you are listening, you can say "yes I thought you said that but couldnt believe my ears that you were being so rude/nosy/mean"

vaksam

I can relate to this as it seems like your mother and mine appear to have been cast from the same mould!

I get constant jibes and snide comments, and if I dare to stand up for myself and point out calmly that she's being brattish/unreasonable/downright bloody rude the conversation suddenly switches to how I've 'always been oversensitive'. No part of my life is off-limits, and no part of it meets her approval!

The other issue with her is that she believes that she must be the main focus of my life, and so resents work/relationships/hobbies that might get in the way - whenever I get a promotion for instance, she will immediately tell me how I'll mess it up, and however will I cope with that as I just can't deal with the stress of the most menial of jobs!

She also can't understand why I can't have hour long chats by phone during the work day, and the icing on the cake was when she got extremely upset and sorry for herself because I'd had to go to another city for work and I hadn't taken her along!!! And twice a year we have extremely busy periods at work where I end up working all hours and barely having time to breathe - and like clockwork, mum will have an enormous manufactured drama, engineer an argument or simply stop speaking to me. Last March, she decided that I didn't keep in contact with her often enough - she and her friends speak 5/6 times a day she said, and that's friends - not a daughter! And as 'a friend' had pointed out, when something happens to her they will know first, and not me as I don't keep in close enough contact. As a result she stopped speaking to me for 8 weeks!

Talking about hobbies leads into 'you can't possibly do that, you simply don't have the time.' And she HATES my OH with a vengeance - I have chosen to lead an independant life with him! It sounds quite flippant, but she'd told family members that she didn't like him before she'd even met him. As a result our entire lifestyle is at fault in her eyes, and it had got to the point where I had cut down what I would tell her about my life to the bare minimum just to save hassle - it was sad to do but I finally came to accept that we would never have a proper conversation anyway.

However I now try and live by the credo - I can change my own behaviour, I can't change anyone elses. One of the aforementioned busy periods at work happened in March this year, nicely coinciding with me being put on notice of redundancy due to my team being restructured. And then mum decided to cut all contact with me again, as 'worrying about my relationship and my life causes her too much stress and she has no desire to put me in the middle'. Additionally (her friends apparantly point out) contacting her only 4/5 times each week is 'sparse', and shows how little I really care! So - instead of falling into the normal pattern of rushing straight round and apologising for everything in order to resume business as usual, I sent her a short mail back telling her that I was sorry she felt that way, and that the door is always open should she need me. I was determined not to dance to her tune any more, and I feel so much better for it. I plan to leave it a while and for us to have some space, not least so that I can prepare myself to respond to her behaviour appropriately if we ever manage to rebuild our relationship. It's so hard not to fall back into the pattern of being childlike and just putting up with her behaviour, rather than demanding the respect I deserve as another human being.

I still feel guilty about the fact that we're not speaking, but I have to keep telling myself that it is her decision, not mine. Furthermore, I can't condone and enable her behaviour any longer. The daft thing is, I feel guilty because I'm the only family member she hasn't cut out of her life over the years for various reasons - but that's again HER decision, and maybe is symptomatic of how she behaves and relates to people in general. I just wish that I'd stood up for myself years ago and really hammered home the message that this behaviour isn't acceptable, and saved us both a lot of pain. There are some great suggestions in this thread for responses that I shall be storing away for possible future use!

belfastgirl23

I think that you can have some control over whether things wind you up. If you are happy with your weight, so what if your mum makes some jibes? If you know you don't want kids then why does it irritate you when she goes on about it? Tune it out. If she stops getting a reaction she'll stop saying things. I do like the suggestion of going 'uh huh' until she accuses you of not listening

Sticks and stones and all that...

tabskitten

I am not a big drinker- generally have a single JD and coke on a sat night and thats me for rhe week unless I am at a family get together..........

My honest advice- have a drink! It will either allow you to really give her a piece of your mind- in which case you will probably be written out the family anyway so solves that problem of visits....
Or it will numb you enough not to notice.

Well thats what I do anyway- worked for me! The former happened with my Uncle and the latter with my mother, which is perfect because my Uncle is a total pleb and we no longer have to drag ourselves to london when he calls a ''family gathering''

The latter tends to happen with my mother , who says the darndest things- but she is a well meaning and loving woman- JD just helps me see that!!

meritaten

hun every time i go up my mums I come home with raised blood pressure and saying I cannot cope with that woman!
and i know I am being stupid - My OH tells me often enough - but the next time, there i go again!

she is my mum - I love her - she drives me up the wall!!!!! she is so neurotic and negative! at least she doesnt hit me any more!
MY mum - it makes ME feel better that i do see her and look after her. MY conscience is clear - I do the best I can.
but i would dearly love to send HER to Alaska and live in Hawaii!!!

Savvy_Sue

Or there's bursting into tears and saying "I know, I'm fat, I don't know why OH loves me sooooo much but I'm glad he does because you obviously hate me like this."

RadoJo

I wouldn't bother going to see her - unless she's a sociopath, she knows that what she's saying is hurtful and there's no excuse for being spiteful to anyone, let alone someone you're supposed to love. Would you put up with this behaviour from a friend? I hope not, in which case putting up with it just because she's your mother is pretty much saying to her 'you can say what you like about me and I'll accept it', in which case there's no reason why she would stop and nothing will ever change.
If it were me, I would tell her in no uncertain terms that if she wants to have a relationship with you, she'll have to be pleasant to you, and if she can't manage that then you don't want to hear from her again. If she cares about you, then she'll realise how much she must have hurt you to drive you to such an action and make an effort to stop, and if she doesn't, then you've rid yourself of a malign influence and you can go back to enjoying your life uninterrupted.

sp1987

The weight questions really deserve an abrupt answer.

Mother: You are larger than before/not losing any weight/too fat

Daughter: To be honest I hadn't noticed any weight gain as I figured you are healthy enough at your size so I will start worrying when I get above that.

It also offers a thoughtful response to the ''why no children'' questions;

Daughter: I have observed the maternal lineage and have concluded that all the women on our side of the family really lose their figures after children and I don't want to put myself through it. I know it seems petty and vain but I just would not want all those loose bits you all have.


Either that or the very obvious comments about sex and how you cannot really entertain the idea of children as it isn't appropriate to have them at the weekly bondage/swinging/whips and chains dinner parties held at your house.