interfering mother issues

SnowyOwl_2

When she starts on the babies thing limit your reply to: "We are not having any children." Do not give her anything to go on.

You are an adult - you do not have to justify yourself and your partner to anyone, not even your mother. You most definitely do not have to be drawn into (yet another) conversation the subject of which is none of her business.

BTW my mother is rather like your mother too. She went through a phase of telling me what I should be doing for a living even though I had made it clear I did not want that career. I told her that if she kept mentioning it I would put the phone down immediately without saying goodbye (I was living in another country at the time). I stuck to my word and she got the message eventually. In more recent times she was forever telling me what I ought to wear - I reminded her that I don't have to do what she tells me as I'm an adult - her reply was that actually since she is my mother she does have the authority to tell me what to do. I am 43. My God how I laughed!!

Blue_Monkey

I'm sure there are 3 steps in assertiveness training that go something like:

1. Tell the person what is they are doing that you don't like.
(Mum, please stop commenting on my weight)

2. Tell the person why you want them to stop - the impact it's having on you.
(It hurts my feelings when you talk about my size)

3. Tell them what you would like from them.
(It would be great if you could focus on something positive instead)

I also think it would be interesting to ask her why she's so concerned about these things, like someone else said, try to genuinely ask what it is about the fact that you don't have kids or aren't a size 8 that bothers her becuase it makes you feel sad/unhappy/furious etc.

Good luck.

Steel_2

vaksam wrote: »

I can relate to this as it seems like your mother and mine appear to have been cast from the same mould!

I get constant jibes and snide comments, and if I dare to stand up for myself and point out calmly that she's being brattish/unreasonable/downright bloody rude the conversation suddenly switches to how I've 'always been oversensitive'. No part of my life is off-limits, and no part of it meets her approval!

The other issue with her is that she believes that she must be the main focus of my life, and so resents work/relationships/hobbies that might get in the way - whenever I get a promotion for instance, she will immediately tell me how I'll mess it up, and however will I cope with that as I just can't deal with the stress of the most menial of jobs!

She also can't understand why I can't have hour long chats by phone during the work day, and the icing on the cake was when she got extremely upset and sorry for herself because I'd had to go to another city for work and I hadn't taken her along!!! And twice a year we have extremely busy periods at work where I end up working all hours and barely having time to breathe - and like clockwork, mum will have an enormous manufactured drama, engineer an argument or simply stop speaking to me. Last March, she decided that I didn't keep in contact with her often enough - she and her friends speak 5/6 times a day she said, and that's friends - not a daughter! And as 'a friend' had pointed out, when something happens to her they will know first, and not me as I don't keep in close enough contact. As a result she stopped speaking to me for 8 weeks!

Talking about hobbies leads into 'you can't possibly do that, you simply don't have the time.' And she HATES my OH with a vengeance - I have chosen to lead an independant life with him! It sounds quite flippant, but she'd told family members that she didn't like him before she'd even met him. As a result our entire lifestyle is at fault in her eyes, and it had got to the point where I had cut down what I would tell her about my life to the bare minimum just to save hassle - it was sad to do but I finally came to accept that we would never have a proper conversation anyway.

However I now try and live by the credo - I can change my own behaviour, I can't change anyone elses. One of the aforementioned busy periods at work happened in March this year, nicely coinciding with me being put on notice of redundancy due to my team being restructured. And then mum decided to cut all contact with me again, as 'worrying about my relationship and my life causes her too much stress and she has no desire to put me in the middle'. Additionally (her friends apparantly point out) contacting her only 4/5 times each week is 'sparse', and shows how little I really care! So - instead of falling into the normal pattern of rushing straight round and apologising for everything in order to resume business as usual, I sent her a short mail back telling her that I was sorry she felt that way, and that the door is always open should she need me. I was determined not to dance to her tune any more, and I feel so much better for it. I plan to leave it a while and for us to have some space, not least so that I can prepare myself to respond to her behaviour appropriately if we ever manage to rebuild our relationship. It's so hard not to fall back into the pattern of being childlike and just putting up with her behaviour, rather than demanding the respect I deserve as another human being.

I still feel guilty about the fact that we're not speaking, but I have to keep telling myself that it is her decision, not mine. Furthermore, I can't condone and enable her behaviour any longer. The daft thing is, I feel guilty because I'm the only family member she hasn't cut out of her life over the years for various reasons - but that's again HER decision, and maybe is symptomatic of how she behaves and relates to people in general. I just wish that I'd stood up for myself years ago and really hammered home the message that this behaviour isn't acceptable, and saved us both a lot of pain. There are some great suggestions in this thread for responses that I shall be storing away for possible future use!

Your mum's a classic narcissist.

You could have a brain tumour and they wail "how could you do this to meeeeeeee. I can't cope with the stress..."

Souk08

My friend has recently had it out with her Mum over stuff like this. She's a very negative woman who just picked at my friend for an entire weekend when she came down to stay with her. When my friend called her after that she told her Mum how it had made her feel and her Mum has never apologised, but has started to be a wee bit more positive.

It's hard but as another poster has said, you wouldn't take this from a friend, so I don't think you should take it from her.

Tell her that your life is your business and that as she made her choices, you have made yours and that's just how it is. Tell her you'd much rather have her support but that ultimately she is not going to change your decisions so is best just to leave certain topics alone. See how she takes that!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

'Why aren't you having any children? Well, Mum, I read that we tend to mirror the type of parenting we received from our own mothers - and I wouldn't want to subject any child to that kind of existence - so we both got sterilised three months ago'

'Why aren't you married? Oh, didn't I tell you? We got married 10 years ago, but decided we didn't want anyone to know in case they wanted to buy a hat and show us up in public'

'Why don't you lose weight? I didn't like to say, but OH has always said he would leave if I turned out to be a dried up, emaciated, wizened old hag that has nothing better to do than throw nasty little barbs filled with venom and spite at innocent people. I'm not sure who he had in mind when he got this idea, though.'


It probably won't improve your relationship, but it might make you feel a bit better.

Odette

Is it worth the bother? Call her and explain how your feeling and that maybe its best that you dont come round for a bit because it isnt a nice experience. If your mum doesnt change then just never stay again, go and see her but get a hotel or something. The minute she says something rude just say, "oh goodness is that the time, best be off" and extract yourself from the situation. Life is too short for toxic people, even if they are your mum

vaksam

Steel wrote: »

Your mum's a classic narcissist.

You could have a brain tumour and they wail "how could you do this to meeeeeeee. I can't cope with the stress..."

Funnily enough, I was in a car accident late last year. It was a rear end shunt at some speed with both cars written off and it left me with a bad back injury, which is only now starting to heal with the aid of physio.

When I finally got it through to mum that I was actually hurt, it wasn't just a bit of mild whiplash, her response was 'But you can't have hurt your back! What use are you to me with a screwed up back? I need too much help!'.

It was at this point really that the scales really fell off my eyes and I started to see just how bad her attitude towards other people had actually become.

bugsaboo

you could tr the broken record technique - pick an answer to the comment, i.e. I'm happy with weight as I am, and respond with that everytime she makes a comment. She'll probably get bored as it's predictable and you won't have ignored her/got into an argument.
with parents it's easier said than done though...

ailuro2

Life really is too short to spend it with horrible people.:mad:

If you've grown up being told you're not doing well enough when you're doing just fine, then in adult life you're told you could have done so much better when you're doing pretty well, then the only thing to do is stop listening if the same old record gets played over and over....

it's what I did, I'd love to have a mother I could talk to, but since I had a mother who would berate me then accuse me of being a terrible daughter I decided to live up to her expectations.

I am NOW a terrible daughter, I've not seen her for years.;)

At first, it felt a bit like being retired must be like... it feels like a wonderful holiday at first, but as it continues and becomes more normal you just go with the flow and get used to being able to do what you want without having to answer to anyone.:D

Good Luck!!

pigpen

DKLS wrote: »

We used to get the "when you having a baby", "ohhh a baby will be the making of you" type comments at any family do which used to drive us nuts.

Until one day my wife snapped at one of the male relatives and announced it was highly impossible that she would be getting pregnant by me, seeing as I had just had the snip. Everyone fell silent and was shocked, since then not one single comment about babies has been put our way.
Oddly some of the parents in the family commented they had admired what we had done, as they felt too much pressure to have kids, and if they had their time again they would be childfree.

Exactly what I would say.. It was already impossible.

she sounds ever so much like Oh's mum.. it is a way of keeping comtrol of you.. she knows it makes you feel crappy so does it all the more.. it is the one power she has over you now.

If it were my mother I'd simply dish out the 'why don't you !!!!!!?'

We are a very 'open' family.. if it needs saying it gets said and we move on.

I would jump down her throat with a similarly evil retort.. until she got the message.. she should not have the power to make you feel 5 again.

I'm fat, so what? At least I am not nasty/rude/ignorant/aggressive

I don't want children, it isn't for discussion, I am not having any, it is my decision so get used to it! I have been sterilised because the thought of having a child repulses me... you'd know how that feels, yes?

I do not believe in marriage. It is an antiquated ideology and I do not hold with it. I shall not become the possession of another human being I am a free person and wish to stay that way forever.. however, if you wish to get married good luck with that one!

She sounds like a total bully.

Is she only like this with you or does she have a broad spectrum personality disorder?

I'm only horrible to people I dislike but there is a LOT of legpulling and joviality and cheeky comments said in jest to the people I do like.. thankfully IRL you can get that across!