I Don't Have Kids Why Pay For Someone Else's?

adouglasmhor

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

he doesnt have to at all

No he can accept that being a family man is beyond his capabilities and bog off. What he can't do is act like a lodger who sleeps with their mum and treat them like nothing. They come as a set.

tinktinktinkerbell

adouglasmhor wrote: »

No he can accept that being a family man is beyond his capabilities and bog off. What he can't do is act like a lodger who sleeps with their mum and treat them like nothing. They come as a set.

erm, yes he can do that, he does not have to pay for those kids

tinkerbell28

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

or he could not pay for something thats not his

adouglasmhor wrote: »

No he can accept that being a family man is beyond his capabilities and bog off. What he can't do is act like a lodger who sleeps with their mum and treat them like nothing. They come as a set.

This ^^^^^^^^

adouglasmhor

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

erm, yes he can do that, he does not have to pay for those kids

Yes I said that before are you illiterate as well as frigid?
He can't expect a relationship with the mum and not help her with the responsibilities. It’s how normal relationships work.

tinktinktinkerbell

adouglasmhor wrote: »

Yes I said that before are you illiterate as well as frigid?
He can't expect a relationship with the mum and not help her with the responsibilities. It’s how normal relationships work.

yes he can if shes a mug who allows it

adouglasmhor

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

yes he can if shes a mug who allows it

I will give you that, she will raise two disturbed kids though.

JimmyTheWig

malibusami86 wrote: »

who the hell gives you the right to preach to someone you dont know???

The OP did, by posting here for our opinions.

Just because he would be moving in with gf, doesnt make him their stepdad.

What other definition of stepdad is there?

missbunbury

I think there is a basic problem with the OP's stated intention to keep finances largely seperate once he is living with his partner and her kids. He plans to pay her a set amount (either as 'rent' as stated earlier or by 'paying her mortgage' which he said more recently.) The trouble with this, as far as I can see, is that they will be a single household with a wide range of varying expenses, some specifically child-related and some not.

OP, what if six months down the line, your girlfriend is struggling to find the money to pay for something necessary? Imagine the boiler goes, and she has to find £200 to repair it - will you pay towards this? What percentage? What if she has no money at all? Will you pay all of it? Now imagine it's the same £200 she needs, but she needs it to pay for a school trip for one of the kids - then what? Will you pay none, some, all? What if it's not a school trip, but an unavoidable expense, like paying a fine on behalf of one of the kids if they get in trouble with the law? Do you pay then?

You may say the kids' dad should pay towards child-specific expenses, but what if he doesn't? Will you really see your girlfriend's kids going without? How do you think she will feel about this? I'd imagine if she is stressing about money and sees your attitude as being "your kids, your problem", it's likely to cause friction. Further, what if you and she have a child together in the future? Do you then say that you will pay everything for that child, but not for the other? Will you take the little one to the zoo but leave the older ones home because their dad hasn't stumped up for their tickets?

My point here is that once you are a family it is very difficult to assign some costs to one and some to the other. Even without kids in the mix, my partner and I have found that the only practical way of doing things is to both pay all of our money into a joint pot, out of which all expenses are paid. We also save a certain amount every month which we have agreed between us. Any money left after paying out all these necessary things is then split between the two of us so we can each treat ourselves seperately. So if he wants the latest Championship Manager game (yawn!) he pays for that himself, AFTER everything essential has been paid. If there's no money left after essentials, we both go without. This arrangement will continue when we have a family, and I really can't see how any other way of doing things could work out.

OP, I am not being judgemental, I am just trying to put across the point that a family has costs which cannot be looked at as belonging to just one individual. If you approach this from the point of view of you paying her money and her then being responsible for everything, you are storing up problems for later. If you want to be part of the family, that means shifting your mind-set to see the family as your responsibility just as much as hers.

seven-day-weekend

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

Do you not see how you are setting yourself up for a massive fall? You WILL be the childrens STEPFATHER No he won't, they are not married, in fact his position seems like that of a glorified lodger you will have responsibilities to them, if you can't take it stick to living apart.

You seriously are going to sit back and watch your gf struggle for shoes/trips/clothes, kids are expensive you know, coining the phrase they are not my kids. It's the parents' (both of them) responsibility to do that, he is not their parent nor a step-parent, nor does he want to be.

I give it a month and tbh, it's no wonder the kids don't like you if that's the attitude they get from you, they are children, they see you interested in the mother but they get sidelined as they are not yours, very damaging indeed to a child. Agree absolutely The mother, I give her a month of living with you before the lust wears off.

I think they should continue to live apart given that he does not want to commit to the whole family.


He has a choice, stay living apart or join the family, and that means the 'whole' family. You can't have it both ways.


(ETA I am female and have been happily married for nearly forty years; however if circumstances were different I would not want to pay for someone else's kids either, but neither would I expect to ever be part of their family and not do so).

welshmoneylover

It's such a pathetic post OP that even I can't be bothered to comment on your pathetic outlook.

I hope your GF smells the roses before too long. Twonk.