I have done nothing yet but writting here is the only way that will make me do stg...

beanielou

Lots happennning then & lots of it very positive

OrangeFairy

Nice to 'see' you back on hun

Great positive new all round. If both you and your son are a lot happier then that has to be a great thing

Have a great evening x

Want_to_be_free

Binieleou, Little Kel , thank you for writing to me after all that time...My life is up and down but at the moment mostly up because I want so badly to have a normal type of life...I find it difficult to make small decisions these days , hopefuly this will go away soon...

Good night to you all , busy day tomorrow x

tootallulah

I was hoping that you would come back, tough stuff you have been coping with too. However it really sounds like things are on the up, I hope so and will achieve your qualification and everything else will fit into place.

Want_to_be_free

Thank you tootallulah,

Talking about coping... I started to think about this a lot recently... Am I really coping? Or rather am I in a situation where there is no need for coping?

Sometimes I am really down but I pick myself up by throwing myself to my work... I can work from home and when I feel like ''I cannot face the world’’; I just stay at home and work rather than going into the office. You see I am so lucky... My work actually helps me to cope better...

’’Not So Little Boy’’ is not being at home also helps me a lot at the moment. Although I really really really miss my child, I am relaxed now. See what a good night sleep does to you. I am so grateful for Social Services for that. I red many stories here that people were denied help due to their council not having enough money etc... I met a lovely lady here, I am not going to give her name just out of courtesy to her, she has twin sons, older then my ’’Not So Little Boy’’ - she was not given help and her situation is worse than mine... She cannot work; she has to be on benefits. She is the one who is coping; she is the one whom should be admired from my point of view. When you really need it, being on benefits is ok but so little money and no future... I am so lucky you see, because now I am receiving the help I asked for...
(Well I am still asking for therapy for ’’Not So Little Boy’’ and me together so far answer is no but I will push it and push it until they are sick off me and give in. Worth to try ..)

I am not so lonely; I have a nice friend living in my place so I have someone to talk to. I made an effort ,'selected ' some friends and seeing them more, even going out with them (rarely but still it is an improvement)

I am trying to tackle my debt and I know there will be an end to all this madness; I just have to be patient...This is good situation to be in.

My answer is to my question is no actually I am not coping … Because there is nothing to cope...

Please do not roll your eyes, yes maybe my partner did kill himself, but this is not my fault. One day, I am hoping to find the happiness again with some lovely, intellectual guy who will not be intimidated by my past and who will see me through without being judgmental.

Yes maybe my ’’Not So Little Boy’ has AS&ADHD, this is neither his nor my fault. This is life, on the bright side, he is extremely clever and I am so proud of him. He is the most beautiful gift for me in this life and nothing can beat that.

Yes I do have a demanding job and I lost out on ‘one really good position’ which could give us a bright debt free future quicker but because someone whom I called friend sent an email with pack of lies and intimidate details about me to the hiring manager so I lost out. Yes,iIt was so personal, it even dared to say ''I was bipolar, I am not, not reliable,so not true, cannot wait to get my redundancy, well partially true, and no commitment to the company that I worked for , I just have to laugh at this point, etc and this was happening when I was doing 60 hours weeks?? It was so bad that I was booted out of the completion even though I had excellent feedbacks from four other people cross Europe. Hiring manager couldn’t risk it because the position is just too important…But am I bitter? No actually… I learnt who my real friends are. I had then given a project to train entire Europe and Middle East in my area. I put all my energy into this project and it went so well that I am asked to train the new team which will be put in place. Now in principle I agreed to train off site team face to face in another country, this is a confidence boost and my work profile is up…I also received the feedback from the hiring manager who did not employ me , stating that such a positive person I was, such a great job I did with training… All this means I will get a good bonus and maybe even pay rise . I am just so lucky that I am in a job that I have passion for , at least for another year. I know great things will happen to me, to us …

I am not playing Pollyanna. I am just being grateful for all the things I have, all the things I can have… I am healthy, people say I am pretty, gosh at the age of 40 LOL, my brain works well, ’’Not So Little Boy’’, my mom and dad love me, and my real friends appreciate me. I live in a nice warm home, I can buy food, I can invite people around…So really I AM NOT COPING , because there is nothing to COPE here… I am a lucky person , I am a positive person, and I am given something so precious called LIFE, and I make DAMN sure that I will make to best of what I can…

I am sending you all my good wishes and my hugs.
:beer:

Want_to_be_free

I had a funny discussion with my friend this morning. Let’s call her Friend A ,who stays at mine…She is a good friend, her head is firmly screwed to her body meaning she is mature for her age and thinks before she acts. Well anyway, I said I did not have any money and she said, no she would not consider me as having no money? I was puzzled because she is the only person who knows about my debt apart from my mom & dad and they don’t even know how much.
She also said, if I always say ‘’I have no money, I will never have any money’’ She gave me an example about another girl, apparently this girl works a lot she has a little salary and huge debt so if she earned £600 per month, she has to pay £500 of it towards her debts. Friend A said, she would only consider this girl having no money. She said I have money to live, I might have a problem but she knows that I will sort it out with time.
The way we got into debts are varies, in my case helping out when I couldn’t really afford to, and not pushing hard enough to get child maintenance etc, although I don’t know what else I could have done…

I know Friend A is most likely referring to the ‘Famous book’, and I know I should make positive affirmations but I was still agitated, if a close friend thinks that I have no money issues, how would this look from outside??? This thinking led me into an event that took place yesterday. I went out yesterday for coffee with another friend. When we were at the till, I clearly saw that she had no intention to pay? I ended up paying for her drink and food. Why did this happen to me? Do I look like like someone who has money? How does someone looks like she/he has money? I would never allow someone to pay for me unless, it was maybe my BD or we already agreed beforehand. I was really upset; I could have used the money towards Not So Little Boy, or for something that I needed. I am a kind hearted person, I cannot turn and say – well I really don’t have money and cannot pay extra £8 for you while my drink only costs me £2…Why people think someone else can pay for them and it is ok? I must change, I must learn to say 'No', I cannot pay for you because I need this money for me. But how??

I decided that Friend A is right. I cannot say I have no money because thanks to God I still have a salary and I do have money. I just don’t have enough for going on holiday or something very expensive. But this is my choice. I chose to pay my debts, I could choose to be bankrupt or not to care what I am doing and carry on spending as if there is no tomorrow… But I chose to pay; I chose to build a safety net. So from now on, yes – I have money; I am managing it well, although I know I still have to learn a lot… I shall start with saying ''No'' to friends who put you in an embarrassing situation like the coffee shop example… God please help me change and toughen me up…

beanielou

grrrrr to friend who made u pay the £8.

jwil

You've had some really tough times by the sound of it, but I admire the way you are so positive and strong.

I also think that is really out of order your friend expecting you to pick up the bill for her!

Want_to_be_free

beanielou wrote: »

grrrrr to friend who made u pay the £8.

oh you made me laugh, thank you...

Want_to_be_free

jwil wrote: »

You've had some really tough times by the sound of it, but I admire the way you are so positive and strong.

I also think that is really out of order your friend expecting you to pick up the bill for her!

Hello Jwil Just read your diary... You are a bookworm but the way you are selling them is amazing...I cannot be parted with my books somehow, everything can be taken but not my books Mine wouldn't sell anyway , they are mostly in a foreign language but I should get into gear and do car boat sales to sell my cloths... I have far too many, I de cluttered the house , meaning everything is in the garage LOL

Anyway, what I really want to say is, I am not so sure if I am very strong or not but because you guys are telling me that I feel good about myself. Thank you, and I really mean it....