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I have done nothing yet but writting here is the only way that will make me do stg...
Want_to_be_free
Posts: 316 Forumite
I am overwhelmed but not scared…
I am worried but not sick yet...
I hope people here take me seriously and don't judge me horribly, because I do that by myself pretty well. What I am not so capable of doing is motivating myself and tackling my debt... Strange enough, I am very good at motivating others.
I know I am playing with my future, my child's future...Need to start somewhere and ''Debt diary' sounds like what I need to do now, not tomorrow but NOW. How I need to do it is a different matter off course...
I am 40. Age is quite important as many people at my age pretty stable. I have never thought that I will be 40 and in debt. Quite contrary, I thought – by now, I would have a lovely life, surrounded by family, children and a partner. I thought I would have a good job and nice house and a car...Plenty in my pocket... Somehow not all dreams come true but we can never stop dreaming I suppose.
I am my own person and I knew pretty well, to be free, I needed to be financially independent. So I worked, I worked so hard that I lost the big picture about why I was working so hard. Over the years my work became an escape from my realities… I was so busy working so I wouldn’t need to think about my horrible life (I am not a victim or sort) and my terrible finances.
I am a pretty clever person with decent salary and common sense hence my situation frustrates me. I am secretly blaming others for this but I should own up my dept and find a solution.
This started about 10 years ago, and since then my debt got out off control, I don’t even now how much I owe…Bad girl, needs a smack… At first , I was married with a cheating hubby and a baby boy- left the hubby regardless, since then I have not seen a penny from the loser (or other way around I am the real loser) for our son. I looked after my boy emotionally, financially – on both accounts - I am drained but a mother has responsibilities to her child and to the society so no turning my back to the situation. I was earning £1000 a month, paying £300 for child care and £600 mortgage, living on the credit card, being extremely naïve about my options with benefit system etc…I have not once in my life claimed any benefit, but maybe I should have done because in my opinion there is no justice in benefit system but this is another matter…
Never the less- with time, by sheer determination and hard work, I improved my salary; it is now about £1800 after tax. It doesn’t sound much improvement to some but we did not get any pay raises at work last 3 and half years. I want to say something quite impolite here but I have to be ladylike…Still working my !!!!!!!! off, not that I have any, and not getting any pay rises is rich especially where the company is an US IT giant. There are lots of industries are losing money, but the company profits where I work for is up year and year. Lucky for share holders I guess. Well, you could say I should have left but we all have reasons about what we do. Mine is my son, who is now almost a teenager, with a dreadful Asperger Syndrome – child from hell, still so much loved, did not really allowed me to go and work somewhere else because at least at the company in question, I can work from home if necessary, and it has flexible hours, meaning if I want to work 3 o’clock in the morning in order to complete my tasks, this is not an issue for them.
Anyway, I might have a debt around £20K- I will see that after following the steps in this website. I could have checked my debts and then send this post, but I know the fact that I would be overwhelmed, ashamed, worried, sick and that would make me not to write a diary, so instead I am writing this post before I check anything out… So hopefully I carry on tackling the debt with a little help from my new found friends.
I said I would not blame others but you need to know that I am not too bad with money, don’t laugh please, but I am very bad with love … £7000 of my debt actually belongs to my brother, who borrowed from my parents and never paid them back although arrangement was for him to pay it back to the bank every month. My parents remortgaged their home in order to raise the money and they had no means to pay it back to the bank when my brother did the dirty, so I had to involved and paid their dept. It was either that or my father would have a heart attack. I love my parents, my father is the kindest man alive and they did not deserved what happened, but neither did I. Still I do not regret giving money to them, even though I know I will never get it back…
However I have some deep regrets about having an ******** BF, after 3 moths into our relationship, he lost his job in the city due to his own stupidly. Feeling so sorry for him I had to bail him out with food etc… I even gave him money so that he could have gone to Australia to one of the stupid seminars… We still dined and wined with my money as if nothing happened and went on a holiday with my money because we both were much stressed. Ah not only that, I transferred hefty chunk from my account to his, but this was the last of everything. He supposed to move with me but 3 days after the money transfer, he disappeared. I truly think that he was a con man who was after my non existing money. The worst thing is, at the time, not once I thought he was using me…This set me off man for dog years…I wish it stayed with that way.
I was on my way getting my head out off debt after that, slowly but I was trying…
After being alone for a long time, I met a lovely man who seemed to care about me- We had a wonderful 6 moths then things started get pair shaped again. I do not want to go into details but he did something very bad in my eyes, off course I did not know that till after his death. I am not joking, the man I loved and wanted to share my life with killed himself…This was after one and a half year of being together. Again at no stage of our relationship, he helped me financially even though we were living together, I was the sole breadwinner. It did bother me, it didn’t bother me- sounds strange but I knew he was financially stuck and I believed in him so it didn’t bother me that he did not have much money, all it matter was he was trying and he was trying hard. But also it bother me because I was again looking after not only my son but another adult and debt was crippling…Still I genuinely thought, we would come out of his situation, how wrong I was…
Anyway, I somehow have to put all this behind me and carry on regardless – Sometimes, I get really upset about it all. I have never done a bad thing in my life to hurt anybody. Not knowingly anyway…So why does all this s*** coming to my way. I am not a weep, I am strong but I need to see the light somewhere as my soul is getting destroyed bit by bit.
So here we go, this is my story…I am here to open a new chapter in my life.
If you had the patient to read so far, I thank you.
I am writing here for myself as it is quite therapeutic and saves me spending hundreds on physiologist fees…
Watch the space, my first task is to find out how much debt I have - For that , I am going to make some calls tomorrow – dreadful first step but I will do it….Wish myself a good luck, as it has been missing from my life quite a while now…
I am worried but not sick yet...
I hope people here take me seriously and don't judge me horribly, because I do that by myself pretty well. What I am not so capable of doing is motivating myself and tackling my debt... Strange enough, I am very good at motivating others.
I know I am playing with my future, my child's future...Need to start somewhere and ''Debt diary' sounds like what I need to do now, not tomorrow but NOW. How I need to do it is a different matter off course...
I am 40. Age is quite important as many people at my age pretty stable. I have never thought that I will be 40 and in debt. Quite contrary, I thought – by now, I would have a lovely life, surrounded by family, children and a partner. I thought I would have a good job and nice house and a car...Plenty in my pocket... Somehow not all dreams come true but we can never stop dreaming I suppose.
I am my own person and I knew pretty well, to be free, I needed to be financially independent. So I worked, I worked so hard that I lost the big picture about why I was working so hard. Over the years my work became an escape from my realities… I was so busy working so I wouldn’t need to think about my horrible life (I am not a victim or sort) and my terrible finances.
I am a pretty clever person with decent salary and common sense hence my situation frustrates me. I am secretly blaming others for this but I should own up my dept and find a solution.
This started about 10 years ago, and since then my debt got out off control, I don’t even now how much I owe…Bad girl, needs a smack… At first , I was married with a cheating hubby and a baby boy- left the hubby regardless, since then I have not seen a penny from the loser (or other way around I am the real loser) for our son. I looked after my boy emotionally, financially – on both accounts - I am drained but a mother has responsibilities to her child and to the society so no turning my back to the situation. I was earning £1000 a month, paying £300 for child care and £600 mortgage, living on the credit card, being extremely naïve about my options with benefit system etc…I have not once in my life claimed any benefit, but maybe I should have done because in my opinion there is no justice in benefit system but this is another matter…
Never the less- with time, by sheer determination and hard work, I improved my salary; it is now about £1800 after tax. It doesn’t sound much improvement to some but we did not get any pay raises at work last 3 and half years. I want to say something quite impolite here but I have to be ladylike…Still working my !!!!!!!! off, not that I have any, and not getting any pay rises is rich especially where the company is an US IT giant. There are lots of industries are losing money, but the company profits where I work for is up year and year. Lucky for share holders I guess. Well, you could say I should have left but we all have reasons about what we do. Mine is my son, who is now almost a teenager, with a dreadful Asperger Syndrome – child from hell, still so much loved, did not really allowed me to go and work somewhere else because at least at the company in question, I can work from home if necessary, and it has flexible hours, meaning if I want to work 3 o’clock in the morning in order to complete my tasks, this is not an issue for them.
Anyway, I might have a debt around £20K- I will see that after following the steps in this website. I could have checked my debts and then send this post, but I know the fact that I would be overwhelmed, ashamed, worried, sick and that would make me not to write a diary, so instead I am writing this post before I check anything out… So hopefully I carry on tackling the debt with a little help from my new found friends.
I said I would not blame others but you need to know that I am not too bad with money, don’t laugh please, but I am very bad with love … £7000 of my debt actually belongs to my brother, who borrowed from my parents and never paid them back although arrangement was for him to pay it back to the bank every month. My parents remortgaged their home in order to raise the money and they had no means to pay it back to the bank when my brother did the dirty, so I had to involved and paid their dept. It was either that or my father would have a heart attack. I love my parents, my father is the kindest man alive and they did not deserved what happened, but neither did I. Still I do not regret giving money to them, even though I know I will never get it back…
However I have some deep regrets about having an ******** BF, after 3 moths into our relationship, he lost his job in the city due to his own stupidly. Feeling so sorry for him I had to bail him out with food etc… I even gave him money so that he could have gone to Australia to one of the stupid seminars… We still dined and wined with my money as if nothing happened and went on a holiday with my money because we both were much stressed. Ah not only that, I transferred hefty chunk from my account to his, but this was the last of everything. He supposed to move with me but 3 days after the money transfer, he disappeared. I truly think that he was a con man who was after my non existing money. The worst thing is, at the time, not once I thought he was using me…This set me off man for dog years…I wish it stayed with that way.
I was on my way getting my head out off debt after that, slowly but I was trying…
After being alone for a long time, I met a lovely man who seemed to care about me- We had a wonderful 6 moths then things started get pair shaped again. I do not want to go into details but he did something very bad in my eyes, off course I did not know that till after his death. I am not joking, the man I loved and wanted to share my life with killed himself…This was after one and a half year of being together. Again at no stage of our relationship, he helped me financially even though we were living together, I was the sole breadwinner. It did bother me, it didn’t bother me- sounds strange but I knew he was financially stuck and I believed in him so it didn’t bother me that he did not have much money, all it matter was he was trying and he was trying hard. But also it bother me because I was again looking after not only my son but another adult and debt was crippling…Still I genuinely thought, we would come out of his situation, how wrong I was…
Anyway, I somehow have to put all this behind me and carry on regardless – Sometimes, I get really upset about it all. I have never done a bad thing in my life to hurt anybody. Not knowingly anyway…So why does all this s*** coming to my way. I am not a weep, I am strong but I need to see the light somewhere as my soul is getting destroyed bit by bit.
So here we go, this is my story…I am here to open a new chapter in my life.
If you had the patient to read so far, I thank you.
I am writing here for myself as it is quite therapeutic and saves me spending hundreds on physiologist fees…
Watch the space, my first task is to find out how much debt I have - For that , I am going to make some calls tomorrow – dreadful first step but I will do it….Wish myself a good luck, as it has been missing from my life quite a while now…
Don't forget smiling 
:):)
:):)0
Comments
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Welcome want to be free and well done on making that first post! It sounds like you've had a tough few years but have kept strong throughout.
Good luck with finding out those figures, it is the hardest step, but hopefully they will all go down from here.
Best of luck, Jwil"Good financial planning is about not spending money on things that add no value to your life in order to have more money for the things that do". Eoin McGee0 -
Hi WTBF
A very honest & moving start to your diary. It takes a lot of courage to be so open & honest... Look forward to your diary & hope you achieve your aims
Keep your chin up... & remember "today is the 1st day of the rest of your life "Jan 2010 £39,300 Now £29,630 Reduction £9,670 (24.6%)
DFD July 20170 -
Are you not claiming anything at all.You can get tax credits, depending on your salary.I too hate benefits but I do work full time as well, so dont feel too bad.You sound like a fab mum, it must be hard on your own with your son but you sound a strong person.0
-
It has been almost two weeks since my first entry…In between, I gathered information regarding my debt, worked full time, attended Access Advance course (luckily paid by work) and Lean 6 Sigma training (unfortunately paid by me) also managed to fit a hospital stay, things are getting worst or am I wearing down? I am out off hospital and child free for couple of weeks, I can concentre on more…Or I really should.
Before I was taken to stupid hospital I did my homework and found out about my total debt. Here is the moment of truth….
Capital One Credit Card £10,514.15 – 0 % interest until August 2010 (min payment £ 205)
M&S Credit Card £4,366.05 - 0 % interest until August 2010 (min payment £ 75)
Virgin Money £550.50 - % 1.24 per month interest minimum payment £ 25
There is a life style protect insurance on that only paying about £4.50 but I also have insurance for unemployment so this is duplication, cancel it. I already called but they are not open till Monday now, the number is 0800 062 621
Halifax Credit Card £ 4,161.67 – 24.93 % interest
Bunch of useless whatever’s, they are the only one making my life difficult at the moment, shame I can not really swear here. Min interest per month is approx £80, they are refusing to remove interest even though I am in financial difficulty and charging me £12 late fees. We have an agreement that I will be paying them £40 meaning the debt is getting bigger every month. At the moment I am behind £544.08 unless I paid that they will carry on charging me £12 late fees… Is there any idea how I can get around this stupidity? I want to hang on till end of July then I will go to Payplan or something similar, because first two cards 0 % period will come to end in August. Meanwhile as they are messing me p, I will complain about their recent charges, the number is 08457 253 519
Alliance & Leicester over draft £402.28 agreed amount £66 no interest
HSBC Over draft £1393.02, I have just call them to see if we can make any arrangement regarding closure of the account, obviously I am trying to find out if there is an interest free option. I am advised to go to the branch possibly next week Friday, waiting for the confirmation.
Maintenance Fee £242 (This is due to a bank error, when I changed my bank; the direct debit wasn’t set up automatically. I did not realise the error due to fact that I had my new bank account in December but my partner passed away at the beginning of January – not an excuse but I am just about getting back to normal, well what ever the normal is really)
Gas & Electric; Same as above just realised no direct debit set up for gas and electric while I was changing banks – I am terrified, although E-on is not written to me to say I have not been paying last 5 months. How strange? I am assuming the total debt is about £450 /£480. I need to check this ASAP.
Personal Dept 1 £850 (this was when my car was broken down) No arrangement made so far, although the person who lend me the money wants it back ASAP.
Personal Dept 2 approx £500 to my father whom just told me off – he says I don’t owe him anything after all I helped them before. None of the less I have to pay that some point.
I think this is about it. Total is whooping £23,459.67
This is the first time I have calculated all my debt, I was thinking that it was about £19K ish , it is £4.5 K more then what I estimated.
Panic will not help me or crying, however I cannot help not being sick at this stage at the same sense…S*** S*** S*** – even if I sell myself, I wouldn’t make this much – not that I would sell myself though …
:eek::eek::eek::eek:Don't forget smiling:):)0 -
Jwil, joshua blue and jules68
I would like to say a big thank you for reading my diary and welcoming me.
To be honest I thought no one would read my stuff...:cool:
Jules68, I don't think I am entitled to any benefits because my salary is around £30K per annum but I made an appointment with CAB today for next tuesday. I will get total benefit check by then...I guess I will need to leave the pride at home...This is really hard but one of those things that I must do...Don't forget smiling:):)0 -
Hi & welcome
Well done on the first steps which are always the hardest.
Keep posting I am a Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on Mortgage Free Wannabe & Local Money Saving Scotland & Disability Money Matters. If you need any help on those boards, do let me know.Please note that Ambassadors are not moderators. Any post you spot in breach of the Forum Rules should be reported via the report button , or by emailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. All views are my own & not the official line of Money Saving Expert.
Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/14.**Credit card debt free 30/06/10~** MFW. Finally mortgage free O2/ 2021****
"A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb. ***Keep plodding*** Out of debt, out of danger. ***Be the difference.***
One debt remaining. Home improvement loan.0 -
Hi Want to be Free - Well done on posting, it sounds like you've had a pretty rough time of it. Things can only get better and the support you'll find on here coupled with your obvious strength and determination will make that a reality. You have to believe that.
I will be keen to follow your progress and hopefully help out if I can too. Just sometimes by realising you're not alone and reading the many success stories on here can make you see your goal is within reach.
Good luck!
Me, DH and DD (17 months) clearing our debt for a better future. Then (LBM) = £21,636.43 (Oct 2009) Now = £12128.07 (44%)GOALS/CHALLENGESTry to get credit card to £2k by April 2012 (was £3014.94)PADing to clear CC 1/1/12 TOTAL: £32.00Ditch 100 in January challenge: lost count but way over 100!!!/1000 -
Hi WTBF
Very impressed indeed with the details you have posted... looks like you are now in control....it's not gonna be easy for you.... me ... & many on here... but we can achieve what we want to.... if we want to achieve it...its not all gonna be plain sailing but we'll all get there if we are determined enough
this is not a sprint... its a marathon
very best of luck WTBFJan 2010 £39,300 Now £29,630 Reduction £9,670 (24.6%)
DFD July 20170 -
wtbf - well done on your fab start to your diary- you have been very honest and open. You really have not had the best luck so i really think you should be due some soon.
even on 30k i am sure you are entitled to some tax credits, I think you get them as long as you are under 54k. It might only be £10 a week but still an extra £40 a month is handy to throw at the debt.
I also wanted to say you seem like a fantastic mum and a fantastic daughter to your parents. Not many people would have taken on a debt like that to help their parents out.
Good luck, i will pop in to have a read again!Orange Fairy
House Purchased April 19 CC1=? CC2=? DH CC= Mortgage Overpay = £0 Savings = £0 Xmas savings = £0 Weightloss = 0 lb0 -
Dear Littlekel, thank you for your kind words- I love my parents, they are kind and always have my best interest in their heart. My only regret is they live thousands of miles away - or rather I live thousands miles away from them. Still we talk every day hence heavy phone bills but I cannot stop talking to them because I miss them madly.
Regarding my son, I love him so much, more then life itself. He is everything to me. I feel very sorry for him as he had such a difficult childhood and his ASD makes things difficult for him and for me. I am not as good mother as I should be, I feel guilty for not being there for him when he was younger. We have so many issues and currently he is placed with a kind foster family (temporarily) because I was taken to hospital last Monday. My family is away, his nana from his dad side lives in France. I had no one to look after him while I was in hospital. Although I am out today, this is against doctor’s wish. I don’t have my full strength to look after him just yet. I feel like a real failure right now however if I have him straight away, I might not be able to carry on with his daily routine and this will damage him more. I am just so sad but I already met him today and will see him on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Right now I am a bit tired but when I am working on getting my strength back even though it is a bit difficult especially while I cannot sleep at night.
Never the less we are not victims of life, we are fighters :TDon't forget smiling:):)0
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