Memorygirls - Make Do and Mend

teapot2

Aaw bless - it must be so hard for you to witness but good that DS1 can let you know whats troubling him - it would be worse if he just internalised it all. I do think wee ones try to make sense of the adult world by assuming its their fault else why doesn't daddy love me or want me etc etc? It can be so difficult to be with knowing you can't make it all ok and its his loss and pain.

You are doing a great job and as others have said he will make up his own mind when he is older and meanwhile you are his security. So.... be kind to yourself too, thats a big important job. Have a virtual hug if I may be so bold. Teapot x

MrsMoo2U

MG, this must be so difficult for you. Not only because you have been "dealing"with this for so long but because this evening came out of the blue. I too was brought up without my "father". I was lucky enough to have a very loving stepfather. I do remember one time though just suddenly asking my Mum why my "father" didnt love me enough to meet me. I have never to this day (I am 40+ now) met him. My Mum just said that he found things difficult and it wasn't me that he didn't want rather, he found it hard to cope with his own feelings. I was about your DS sons age. It stuck with me. She never said a bad word about him. She told me to write a letter to him. Then once I had written it she suggested that I keep the letter for a few days and if I still felt the same then I could post it to him. I still have the letter and to this day I do sometimes read it and decide not to post it all over again. One day maybe.
My point is that you are doing all of the right things. Children need support but they need an element of truth too, albeit prettied up a little. Sounds like your son is of an age where lots of questions will start to be raised. Taking him to SA might not be the answer so dont beat yourself up if you cant take him. Can you contact his father and let him know that he is asking these question. Could you arrange a skype call for them? If you give your son these different options without making a promise that you dont know that you can keep right now then I am sure that will settle him.

psychopathbabble

I went through the same thing, although I think my mum got kicked out of the states when she had me and for whatever reason I didn't have any contact with my dad who stayed over there until I was 15 and found his telephone number on the internet! I will never have the parental relationship with him but at least I have the knowledge now rather than just wondering.

I'm sure he will be fine, and that's such a lovely offer from OliveOyl. All I can say is he might be upset now, but it won't be long before ds1 is old enough to make his own mind up about what he wants from his dad. Maybe you can find the 'trigger' for it and try to find a way to avoid it? Something must hav caused him to think about it?

Sending him big hugs xxx

sammy115

Memory_Girl wrote: »

DS1 had a huge meltdown on the way home. Sobbing his heart out that his Dad doesn't keep in touch - ds2 called over from his car seat "***** don't worry!!!"

My heart is now officially broken for him. :(I've just sat for an hour cuddling him on the sofa, explaining that it was nothing he had done (he was only 6 months old when his Dad decided he'd had enough and got on a plane to SA). That Mum was trying her best to take him out to spend time with the ther half of his family (I've taken him out 3 times in 9 years, his Dad as never made a trip to see him) -

How can I explain to a young 10 year old that his father simply can't be bothered keeping in touch with him and can't be bothered contributing to his upbringing (nope - not a penny since he went) - without coming off as a screaming hariden?

The thing is I would love to take him out there again to see his family - but having just been credit crunched,saved the house from being repossesed and fighting the good fight to get back to work I am terrified of making him a promise I might not be able to deliver on.

Grumble over - time for a stiff drink, an early night and come out all guns blazing in the morning.

Also will price flights to SA and cost of renting accomodation for a few weeks next summer. In for a penny and all that -

....................come on then universe ..............show me how to make my lad happy again.

Memorygirl

I just had to post in reply to this...my eldest two are from my first marriage and my DS had the same reaction to my ex OH although my ex OH only lived 100 miles away finances meant I couldn't afford to take the kids to see him and he made no effort (and also paid no money towards their upkeep). I just tried to say nothing derogatory about him (it was hard) except one heartbreaking time when DS said he wanted to go live with him. I ran exOH up and DS asked him and had to live with the consequences when exOH said he couldn't. They are old enough to make their own minds up now and have hardly anything to do with him - its their choice.

Its admirable that you are thinking about taking your kids over to see him but I would say don't force the relationship. My mum did that years ago with my dad and it was heartbreaking at 23 to find out that he actually wanted nothing to do with me and I haven't seen him now for almost 20 years, although strangely enough he accepted my friend request on facebook and acknowledged my birthday message with a 'thankyou'.

Sorry I am rambling now.....just show your son your love and all will come good in the end. As long as he has your heart he will be fine.:)

gilligansyle

Morning MG

hope you and your DS are feeling better today. Fortunately its not something I have ever had to deal with, although I have brought my son up on my own since he was six months old, he has just never asked about his father. Just as well really, as he's now 23 and I'm not sure what he would do if he found him.

Firewalker

Memory_Girl wrote: »

The thing is I would love to take him out there again to see his family - but having just been credit crunched,saved the house from being repossesed and fighting the good fight to get back to work I am terrified of making him a promise I might not be able to deliver on.
Memorygirl

This is the only post I managed to read last night and I was sitting here crying - I am so sorry, MG (and DS1). I really feel for your boy because he is slightly older than Little Boy and LB really has crossed to Mr F now. But things are not in your control.

Never make a promise you cannot keep - but going to SA is probably one that you could have made. Is it in the letter to the Universe? Because it is happening and you better tell your DS1.

Firewalker

clairewop

Good morning

MG I hope your little boy isn't too upset this morning and you had a good nights sleep

I had a panic attack this morning and I don't know why, still feeling uneasy now ( still dreading that little brown envelope coming through the door from the dss, even though I'm doing nothing wrong, my accounts are up to date apart from yesterdays sales, and i'm still earning less than £20) It's most probably that I'm not used to many sales then all of a sudden Its gone mad, and reality has hit that I could eventually get off Incapacity with a bit of hard work. Although my back may not agree with me at the moment its sore

Was contemplating going back to bed with painkillers, but thought no, that's most of the day gone where I could be doing things, so I'm going to just get on with it, with painkillers of course

I need to sweep the dining/living room floor as I've got dogs hairs that are blowing around like tumble weeds, and the kitchen needs a quick tidy and floor swept, then its sorting the last few boxes out in the dining room until the postie comes, then hopefully the sterling silver headpins will be here for me to make the bulk order of earrings, otherwise its a trip to the bead shop in Cardiff .

turn3r

Just wanted to say a huge thanks to MG for my books and to Claire for the fab earrings!! You girls are a huge inspiration!! Now once I get back to sunnier climate and thaw out I am all ready to join in with Mr Big's challenges and the matrix -although not sure what help I will be in the middle east!!

Xx

clairewop

turn3r wrote: »

Just wanted to say a huge thanks to MG for my books and to Claire for the fab earrings!! You girls are a huge inspiration!! Now once I get back to sunnier climate and thaw out I am all ready to join in with Mr Big's challenges and the matrix -although not sure what help I will be in the middle east!!

Xx

I'm sure you will be needed for something

Glad the earrings arrived safe and you like them

Well kitchen is sparkling again just having a coffee and waiting for the painkillers to kick in before I do anything else

butafli

Morning MG

Just wanted to send you some heartfelt hugs.