Advice on fair digs to charge daughter

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

If you read my first post again you'll see how I don't cost them anything extra in bills. In fact they benefit in lots of ways from having me here as I do a lot of housework and cooking, walk the dog every day and do bits of DIY for them (they're both a bit rubbish at it!).

It is possible to come to an arrangement that is mutually beneficial, taking into account more than just money, and Person_one and parents seem to have done that. While it is important that adult children don't expect their parents to keep supporting them financially, money isn't the only thing in life that has value.

Oldernotwiser

Person_one wrote: »

If you have kids I sincerely hope you aren't counting on them to help you out at all when you are elderly. After all by then you'll have had plenty of time to learn the value of money and figure out how to take care of yourself.

Unfortunately, it's usually the children who've been looked after and cosseted like this who have least time and money for their parents when they're elderly. They get very much in the habit of thinking that help in the family works only one way.

Bella79

10/11 years ago when i was living at home i was earning £800 a month and was giving my mum £150.00 pm, But my mum brought me all my toiletries etc she spoiled me a bit lol

Soubrette

Person_one wrote: »

If you want to work out how much my 5 showers a week and one or two loads of washing costs in electricity then let me know, I'll pass the information on to my parents and see if they want me to pay for it. I'm fairly sure they'll look at me like I'd offered to mop the roof for them.

I think the point here though is that you said you cost them nothing when in fact that is very unlikely.

Person_one wrote: »

If you have kids I sincerely hope you aren't counting on them to help you out at all when you are elderly. After all by then you'll have had plenty of time to learn the value of money and figure out how to take care of yourself.

I have two children (14 and 17) and just getting them to do one major chore a day each is like asking them to chew their own leg off :mad: They do do them but under much protest and every few months I have to put a list up of 'what mum does' in a vain effort to make them appreciate what goes into running a house.

I will have no problem profitteering from them if at 21 they both expect to come home and have the same comforts that they do now - I shall expect a certain percentage of their rent to cover the inconvenience of having two chadults who expect me to clear up after them, whine constantly about having to help out and leave part of the house messy and unkempt and sometimes damaged.

If on the other hand, they are willing to accept that they now live in my house as adults, share the chores and pay a fair proportion of costs, then it would be a pleasure to have them

Living at someone else's house, no matter how loved you are and how much they love having you, surely inconveniences the home owner at least a little bit, for example I like to wander around with no trousers on in the summer when it's hot. Nothing too dodgy but I can't do it at the moment because either child might turn up with some friends and they find it embarrassing.

What I'm saying is the cost of having other people in your home is more than just the monetary cost. It is (imo) not profitteering if you quantify that inconvenience in monetary terms.

Sou

bestpud

Why do some people feel ok about adult children profiteering from their parents but not the other way round?

After all, the child has a lifetime of earnings ahead of them and they are only being asked to contribute a fair percentage of their income - they are still doing better than they would on their own.

kettlefish

I think all this comparing what they would pay to live in rented accomodation is a bit silly. It's not comparing like with like. When I lived with my mum and dad, I only paid about 20% (possibly slightly less) of my earnings to them. I am fully aware that this was much less than my own place. But, in return, I was expected to live by the "house rules" - such as letting them know when I'd be home, cooking the odd meal, keeping my own room and communal areas clean and tidy, not bringing a random bloke home for the night, the odd bit of baby/cat-sitting etc. If I'd have been paying the going rate, I'd have been pretty hacked off at all these extra rules I adhered to, as you don't have those rules in a rented place. As it was, I traded in a little bit of my privacy and a little bit of my freedom to have more money (which, incidentally, I used to save towards my own house) Our deal was based on social etiquette and mutual respect rather than solely on money. As a previous poster said, it's not just money that has value.

bestpud

kettlefish wrote: »

I think all this comparing what they would pay to live in rented accomodation is a bit silly. It's not comparing like with like. When I lived with my mum and dad, I only paid about 20% (possibly slightly less) of my earnings to them. I am fully aware that this was much less than my own place. But, in return, I was expected to live by the "house rules" - such as letting them know when I'd be home, cooking the odd meal, keeping my own room and communal areas clean and tidy, not bringing a random bloke home for the night, the odd bit of baby/cat-sitting etc. If I'd have been paying the going rate, I'd have been pretty hacked off at all these extra rules I adhered to, as you don't have those rules in a rented place. As it was, I traded in a little bit of my privacy and a little bit of my freedom to have more money (which, incidentally, I used to save towards my own house) Our deal was based on social etiquette and mutual respect rather than solely on money. As a previous poster said, it's not just money that has value.

That is one reason why I would not charge my child a commercial rate.

I do think it is important to keep it as the parents home but there has to be a balance.

The parents are giving up privacy too and perhaps more than that. What if the parents are struggling and could get a commercial rate by renting the room to someone else? What if the parent is single and they want to bring someone home at night? They may have any number of plans for when their children fly the nest.

For me, it is about making it enough to prepare them for handing over a good proportion of their income to LLs/utility companies etc but not turning it into a true houseshare.

If I was overly concerned about profiteering from them, I would still take the money and save it without them knowing.

Parenting is about gradually exposing our children to the realities of the world.

We don't always have to do what they want - sometimes it's about doing what they need, whether they like it or not!

POPPYOSCAR

In some ways this is such an emotive subject.I have found it personally to be a difficult thing to deal with. Our son is a student three days a week and works 2/3 days a week as well.He tried for months to get a job and now finally has one. We ask him for a small amount of housekeeping and I feel uncomfortable taking it as we can manage without it but I know as a parent we should do it.
He understands the cost of things and knows he could'nt afford his food bill let alone anything else. I have found the transition from dependent child difficult.

Luckycharm_2

This is such an interesting thread and like someone above said, really emotive.

I don't have kids but do have an opinion as a daughter. I would never in a million years dream of going to live at home and expect to pay anything less than my full share of the bills and expenses. What possible reason could there be to NOT do that? No-one should profit in any kind of way, parents or kids, just fairly share the costs. A child on even a low income of £800 per month paying £150 in digs still has £650 disposable income per month. That's about my disposable income for the year!

Saying that, my opinion is possibly skewed as I have a sister who is nearly 30, still lives at home and goes off on 3-4 month holidays regularly while my parents buy pretty much everything for her. No idea what her digs cost but she's a waitress so ain't earning close to enough for all these holidays.

Maybe I'm jealous and bitter? Nope. Actually proud of my independence and glad to be able to offer help to friends and family in real crisis. i.e. not because they want to save up to buy a house or swan off on loads of holidays.

There's something about kids growing up and being seen by their parents as grown up. I think parents who continually fork out for their kids don't want to accept they're adults now.

POPPYOSCAR

Luckycharm wrote: »

This is such an interesting thread and like someone above said, really emotive.

I don't have kids but do have an opinion as a daughter. I would never in a million years dream of going to live at home and expect to pay anything less than my full share of the bills and expenses. What possible reason could there be to NOT do that? No-one should profit in any kind of way, parents or kids, just fairly share the costs. A child on even a low income of £800 per month paying £150 in digs still has £650 disposable income per month. That's about my disposable income for the year!

Saying that, my opinion is possibly skewed as I have a sister who is nearly 30, still lives at home and goes off on 3-4 month holidays regularly while my parents buy pretty much everything for her. No idea what her digs cost but she's a waitress so ain't earning close to enough for all these holidays.

Maybe I'm jealous and bitter? Nope. Actually proud of my independence and glad to be able to offer help to friends and family in real crisis. i.e. not because they want to save up to buy a house or swan off on loads of holidays.

There's something about kids growing up and being seen by their parents as grown up. I think parents who continually fork out for their kids don't want to accept they're adults now.

The difficulty I have found is us both adjusting to the fact that we have always provided and that he has always been provided for,it seems to have happened all of a sudden!! I know he is an adult and has to learn to fend for himself but he is still my son.