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think my man is cheating what now?

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buggsbunny
buggsbunny Posts: 16 Forumite
edited 22 February 2011 at 8:41PM in Marriage, relationships & families
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  • LisaLou1982
    LisaLou1982 Posts: 1,264 Forumite
    Chutzpah Haggler
    :( Sounds awful for you hun.

    Not got too much advice really - i suppose it depends on whether you can live with it if you think its a one off?

    You should confront him about it though - definately! you deserve to know the truth, he owes you that much. Make him tell you the truth - ask him to leave if he wont. xx
    £2 Savers Club #156! :)
    Looking for holiday ideas for 2016. Currently, Isle of Skye in March, Riga in May, Crete in June and Lake District in October. August cruise cancelled, but Baby due September 2016! :j
  • jackieglasgow
    jackieglasgow Posts: 9,436 Forumite
    Call him out!! You can't deal with the situation, or your feelings, until you know what it is you are dealing with. Keeping her name in his phone under another man's name is sneaky sneaky sneaky. Take care X
    mardatha wrote: »
    It's what is inside your head that matters in life - not what's outside your window :D
    Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory. - Ghandi
  • Primmer
    Primmer Posts: 2,187 Forumite
    Car Insurance Carver! Cashback Cashier
    Clare - you need to know exactly what happened as only then can you decide whether it is something you can forgive. Sit him down, tell him you know and get him to explain it all. Good luck (((hugs)))
  • Kayleigh09
    Kayleigh09 Posts: 165 Forumite
    Hey Clare, confront him! Don't let him think he can get away with it, as for the whole dressing up sexy... don't offer it to him on a plate and give him the chance to be able to walk all over you. Find out what has happened first. If he has been unfaithful, then it is down to you how you handle the situation. If he tells you he hasn't been unfaithful and gives you explanations as to what has done and he appears to be telling the truth then you need to sit down and speak to him and tell him how his actions have made you feel. If you don't believe him then you need to get rid of him and then make him prove himself to you and re-assure you that he hasdn't done nothing wrong. Put your foot down, don't let him walk all over you!

    Good luck! xx
    Became Mrs C on 14th of August 2010
  • tabskitten
    tabskitten Posts: 1,329 Forumite
    I know it may not be what you want to hear but i truely think that you should not stay with a man that you cannot trust.

    Hope you find some strength.

    xx
    :silenced:
    I think tabskitten is a crying, walking, sleeping, talking, living troll :cool:
  • mark13
    mark13 Posts: 372 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Photogenic Combo Breaker
    I'm sure he will try and deny it when he is put on the spot and maybe try and turn the tables. If its eating away at you then you have to have it out and get it resolved either way.

    The only advice I can give is that may be rough time in the short term, and it will get a lot worse before it gets better , and you may think you cant live without him ( if it goes that way) but you'll find you can live without him and be stronger.
    I've been through that and come out the other end happier and stronger.

    Good luck .
    Win Dec 2009 - In the Night Garden DVD : Nov 2010 - Paultons Park Tickets :
  • mrcow
    mrcow Posts: 15,170 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Well first of all - this is NOT your fault. (Your opening post seems to be lying some sort of blame at your feet).

    I think you need to understand that the whole:

    1.Denial
    2.Anger
    3.Blaming it on you

    ......technique is textbook. So if it happens, don't be surprised but also, don't fall for it.

    At the moment, I'm guessing he's unaware of what you know? And she has no clue who you are?

    I guess you have to ask whether you want to use this to your advantage to do some proper digging to see how far this goes before you confront him? (Personally it's what I'd do - knowledge is power and all that).
    "One day I realised that when you are lying in your grave, it's no good saying, "I was too shy, too frightened."
    Because by then you've blown your chances. That's it."
  • flutterby_lil
    flutterby_lil Posts: 1,879 Forumite
    Didn't want to read and run, sending bigs hugs - i agree with the rest, you need to confront him or you cannot even begin to talk, accept, move on etc.
    Good luck x
  • Shadowsfall
    Shadowsfall Posts: 163 Forumite
    Hi Clare,

    Hope you feel better very soon, all this is a really horrible thing to feel. I've written a few things that I hope help in some way - please feel free to not take them on board if they don't suit.

    Everything I've written is related to two people in a relationship that is exclusive and commited not any other kind of arrangement. I assume that this is going to be most helpful to the OP as it sounds like as far as you thought, Clare, you were involved in that sort of relationship.

    I have an absolute rule for cheating while in this kind of relationship - one time and you're out. My reasoning for this is that I know I wouldn't cheat on who I'm with even once, so what reason allows them to cheat on me? If I thought I might cheat I would end the relationship because there's no point being together in a commited one-one relationship if you might fancy some one else.

    I say this having cheated on previous boyfriends before I realised better. I did it because the relationship wasn't the right one to be in. Clearly that is a realisation that comes with hindsight, at the time I just thought I'd get them back for hurting me. I learnt that cheating is never the answer - hence the word... cheating. We know it's wrong. Being able to be honest with myself and communicate what I needed was the answer. I've learnt to be clear about what I need in a relationship now - and expect my partner to do the same. That way, everyone is where they ought to be, and even if things change - honesty prevails.

    This does work too. In relation to the last two serious relationships I've been in (one I'm still in), I knew I would be faithful. The relationship that ended previously to the one I'm in now - we ended it together because we both respected each other enough to make the hard decision to break up (it was a very good relationship and we both knew we couldn't devote enough of ourselves to it to be happy in the long run - it was long distance). We were both honest with ourselves - we shouldn't be together anymore - and we made the effort to be honest with each other. This was the only break up I've ever experienced where both parties were as mature and well adjusted as this. I'm happy to say that I've learnt this lesson to ensure that I am honest and communicative and choose partners that are the same.

    So my point would be that you deserve to be honest with yourself, and also a partner who is honest with HIMself and you deserve to be in a situation where you are both willing to share what you know with each other. If you don't have that, it's most likely the wrong place for you to stay in once you learn this. You've been together a long while. People can change, not be the person you thought, or suddenly reveal aspects of themselves you weren't aware of. This is life. That's their evolution. It can be an awful mess when one partner isn't honest with the other that this is happening.

    Mistakes happen - do they? No. Everyone chooses their actions. That's that. Even people playing the victim "I had no choice/they made me/you forced me" card are capable of throwing off their victim state and accepting that they in fact chose the road they're on. It's actually a very empowering proposition - If I chose the road I'm on, I can therefore choose to leave it. I may not know exactly where I'm going to, and I know I can be somewhere other than this. Wow!

    You could adopt the philosophical view that suggests that everyone makes the decisions they make to learn something the ought to learn - I think this is a very valuable thing to be aware of. Helped me understand that I wasn't the one with the problem when my exes cheated on me. You can't explain why other people do what they do fully because you aren't them. I find this helps put things into context a little though.

    Having said that, no one has ever been in exactly the same situation so I wouldn't presume to know what shots to call with your relationship. All this is just what I felt I should write because it is true for me. I hope you find your answers very soon.

    I always find the following little action helps. Take a moment alone, somewhere quiet and where you usually find a bit of peace. Just sit. Feel whatever you feel, hear whatever your mind spins round, see whatever comes along. Ask yourself this question if you want to, "What is my next step to move past this?" or "What do I really want now?" Then just sit again. Be aware of what you notice over the next few days. Your mind has a very strong ability to show you clearly what you already know deep down inside.

    Before you make any decision, figure out how you feel and what you want to know now. That way you can be honest with him about what you want.

    You could give it a go - might help you out.

    Please remember that you are worth a great deal and that should be known and shown by those around you. :A
  • mumslave
    mumslave Posts: 7,531 Forumite
    You tell him you know and you kick him out. No big discussion about it, call the shots.You may love him yes, but he needs to know that you know and WILL NOT have him do that to you again, if you want to have a future with him. Kick him out, if he wants you back he will do anything, if not, then he has done you a favour, albeit a painful one, by allowing you to find a man worthy of you. Some relationships can survive affairs, but in the first instance, he needs to see you as a strong woman, not one that will let him away with whatever.
    :starmod:Sealed Pot Challenge Member 1189:starmod:
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