Step Daughter - very long and very complicated

Margaret54

Hi Buddingblonde, I have read all the posts here, and there is some excellent advice. I can't add anything to them, but just wanted to wish you all the very best whatever the outcome is. You come across as a very warm caring loving and understanding lady. Warmest wishes Margaret

Savvy_Sue

Buddingblonde wrote: »

Sue - please pass on this link. Anyone who you think I should be speaking to would be fab.

OK, I will do that.

Buddingblonde wrote: »

Not being a parent myself I wonder if I am being too naive here and am turning a serious situation into a worse one by letting her into our home with a distant father and no emotional link to any of us.

In reality, I'm not sure you could make it a lot worse for her, since it already sounds pretty dire. But you could damage your own life and relationships without seeing any benefit for her. And it's entirely possible that she doesn't really have any emotional links to anyone, isn't it?

pusscat

Hello Budding Blond....

I am a step mum to two now nearly adults, and I can only offer you some of the experiences that I have had as a reference - what you do must be up to you and your OH as a a team!

1) Being a step mum (even in the most well adjusted family) is damn hard work. It is emotionally draining and requires 110% input. You have to earn the love rather than it coming natually, and you have to constantly renew that love rather than just taking it for granted.

2) You can only cope with being a step mum if the childs bio father is taking on the major responsibility of parenting his child - you can assist, but in the end it will be mainly down to him.

3) If (like me!) you have never had any kids of yor own then having someone elses to live with you is a HUGE shock to the system - everything changes, your relationship, your home, your social life, your own relaionship with your family etc.

4) Your relationship with your OH has to be sooo strong, you have to be able to talk together, work together and support each other 100%, your relationship will be tested to the limits and you need to be fully aware of this.

The decision in the end has to be firstly your OH's -
does he want to have his daughter live with him
is he prepared to parent her 100%
Is he prepared to totally change his life for her
is he prepared to take everything she can throw at him (and more)
is he prepared to give 150%?
Is he prepared to discipline, to lay down boundaries (and stick to them) to take the consequences of laying down those boundaries?
Is he strong enough to have abuse hurled from every direction (most teens do this anyway, but your SD sounds as though she may be great at it) about how useless he is, how he hates her, how he abandoned her and how much he owes her - will he still be able to stand firm and calm and stick to his boundaries?
Is he strong enough (emotianally) to ger her to school every single morning - does he have the time and the flexibility in his career?

If the answer to all of those things is yes, then he will be in a position to ask you if you are able to help him achieve this - he will need your support 200%.

It really sounds to me like you are trying to do this on your own - that you are trying to push him into feeling the responsibility. That can never work - it can only work if your OH feels this is the right thing to do and 100% feels the need to do it. You cannot do this - he has to do it.

I really hope that you can work something out - I really feel for the child, but destroying your own relationship is not going to help her find a secure and loving home. I suspect that her father is not the person who will be able to offer her what she needs - and you (as a Step Mum) will not be able to offer it on your own.

Good luck with it all

Puss
xx

zzzLazyDaisy

I haven't read all this thread, so apologies if I am repeating what has already been said. But the starting point is that your OH is her parent, and he must be the one to make the decisions, to take responsibility for his daughter, and to be there for her. Yours should be more of a supporting role to your OH and your SD.

From what you say, you are the one who is trying to sort this out, find solutions, make decisions, and at the same time trying to get your OH to 'step up to the plate'. I apologies if I have misread the situation, but if that is an accurate summary, then I am sorry but I don't believe this will work, and in the process you are likely to lose/seriously damage the relationship you have with your OH.

I speak as someone who once in a similar position. I chose to accept the responsibility, but the stress and tension destroyed my relationship with the young person's father, and resulted in me having to up sticks and move miles away to another city to make the break and regain my sanity.

So my advice would be don't do it unless you are sure that your OH this is 110% what your OH wants, and that he is determined to do his best for his daughter and to be the main parent figure in the family.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Daisy

gizmo111

hi BB,

In your first post you mention a childrens panel - are you in scotland?
If not is it an Initial Child Protection Conference that you have been asked to attend?
I'll put more thoughts/advice when you have clarified the above.

Regards

Buddingblonde

It is Scotland we are in.

Any comments would be greatly received - I am compiling questions for the SW and the psychologist etc etc so anything that pops into anyone head please add.

gizmo111

I have a freind in the trade in scotland so will call tomorrow and check on the procedures and terminology and get back to you.

pusscat

My first post sounds quite negative about step families - to be fair I should add:

That if you manage to get it right then it can also be the most rewarding experience in the world - you strengthen your bonds with each other as a couple and as a family and you learn new experiences every day.

I have been lucky, my Skids have been pretty good on the whole, my OH has been great and I have enjoyed nearly all of the experience of being a step mum, it has given me an outlook on life that I never knew exsisted and has made me far more accomodating and perceptive as a person. Helping teenagers develop into well rounded adults is a great experience and incredibly rewarding - but I am also well aware of how hard it can be and how much pressure it will put on you if you are trying to do it all yourself without back up.

Puss
xx

Savvy_Sue

That's my concern for the OP, that it sounds as if she would effectively be doing the parenting on her own, because her OH - from what she has said - lacks the ability to do so. She has the advantage that she knows what would have to be done, but that's not enough, IMO.

It would be hard enough if you were the birth parent and the partner wasn't going to be able to 'step up', but doing it the other way round? I can't begin to imagine how you could make it work. With a much much younger and less damaged child, possibly. With an unboundaried hormonal teenager - :eek:

But I still say that doesn't mean you can't be involved and express your love and concern. Please don't think I'm telling you to back off and have nothing to do with this child.

Buddingblonde

No no - I think that they are all fair comments and nothing that I havent been running round my head myself.

Update on situation - SD is coming tomorrow for her grandads birthday - she asked if she could come as we always go for a family meal - she always refuses to come and feigns illness. SW has said that they have told her that this is her last chance to get back to school or they will have to remove her from her grans and put her in the care of someone who will get her to school. She went to school the beginning of the week but hasnt been back.
SW says not to mention school at all this weekend and just focus on rebuilding bond although she has said that she will be bringing pal to which she was told that she wouldnt be able to for the meal and birthday but that on sunday it is ok.