Step Daughter - very long and very complicated

[Deleted User]

I think a number of frank discussions need to take place.., seperately with the different parties involved and notes kept.., and these brought to the case meetings (believe you me, there will be more than one).

If there is concern enough about your SD to have a case conference, she can be put on the 'at risk' register or registered as a child in need. Its takes some months of meetings to have this rescinded, even if everything goes well. There will be lots of meetings.

Now.., I'd suggest a meeting initially with social services. Discuss frankly your concerns.., what help u'd have (point out u taking her with support will be a lot cheaper and probably have a more positive outcome than her going into foster care or into council care). Stand up for yourself. SAY emphatically what u need to make this work, SS can organise counselling for everyone for a start. If you can't agree and don't feel your relationship with your OH will survive your SD's behaviour full time, discuss with them if there are other solutions. I am certain while social workers can be good and bad, they will try to work with you. You will also probably need to discuss how to deal with your OH's mother. I am sure she will cause some dififculties.., but they can be dealt with if dealt with firmly.

To research what services may be available, what can help you etc, and what you can/should/shouldn't accept from your SD contact the NSPCC and also Parentline (google Parentline, u'll find their number. Parentline are excellent, if they don't know the answers they'll help u find someone who can help.

You need to talk with you OH, discuss with him how he felt about what happened to him as a child (altho I am sure u have tried).., and discuss with him how to approach this. I know u will probably have to be the leader in these conversations. You also need to figure out how to curb what behaviours u can't accept and how to deal with behaviours u can accept from your SD. U will both need to agree on strategies. Write it down if necessary.

At some point, your SD will need to be involved in these conversations obviously.

The first case conference will be the roughest. All interested parties will be invited like the school, social services, her GP (who probably won't attend), depending on her age your SD may be involved and her Grandmother. Make sure u are invited and attend, amazing bits of information come out at these meetings, and if there are mistakes in the reports already obtained for the meeting, these will be corrected. I forgot there will also be a chairperson (who can be quite helpful and stands back and mediates, with a knowledge of what can be done legally) and someone taking notes. At the first meeting it may be decided to put your daughter on the 'at risk' register, on the 'child in need' register or if not either, what actions should be taken. If you can go into any meetings with social services and the case conference having done your research on what's available and what u are prepared to do, and what to expect.., it will be a lot easier for you. Parents DO have influence at these meetings as long as you sound reasonably well informed.

What I have written is very brief, and my 'to do list' could be a bit idealistic.., things never go as smoothly as we like. You are being unbelievably strong and caring but remember u matter too and so does what u want, and what you can cope with. Even if your SD can't accept what your consider acceptable.., she may do in time. Can you involve her older sister too? If I understand your initial post correctly, it was her that phoned and told people her younger sister wasn't at school. She must have been quite worried.., and possibly worried about what was happening to her.

RAS

Hi

I know you want to do the best you can for this child but you need much more information.

If mum was a party girl, has SD ever been assess for Foetal Alcohol Syndrome? This would massively affect her capacity of empathy, emotional control etc. if it is a problem, then use of alcohol now would prevent her from assessing risk and developing emotional ties.

You say she is smoking and drinking. is she using drugs and/or sexually active?

The older contacts may be relatively helpful alternative parents or seriously exploitative. You need to know. Could they be invited to a case conference as they probably know more about her than either OH or gran?

Is she using the money to buy food and keep herself or to buy drugs/booze and abuse herself?

What does SD think about the situation? is she aware that there is even an issue? Or is she "happy" with the situation and averse to any change?

You and OH need a real heart to heart; he has not engaged as a parent but it has obviously been very difficult given the legal situation. Was OH married to the mother? if not, I understand how much harder it would be to get parental rights, but he has not actively pursued his role in the last four years. The least would have been to have ensured that school and her GP knew he had joint parental rights. He might then have known about her absence from school.

Given how lost this child is already, I think that parenting her would be a massive challenge and given her continued proximity to the adverse contacts in her life well-nigh impossible. if you try to enforce boundaries and rules, she will just bunk off somewhere she knows that does not make such demands on her.

On the other hand the experience of the Kid's Company is that some children are able to make major changes in their early teens because the brain is extremely plastic at that stage. Read up anything you can find by them.

One of the things that they do, apart from ensuring their contacts are fed, is offer massage and beauty treatments. Most of the kids have little or no experience of kind touch and very low self esteem. This makes girls in particular vulnerable to exploitation. Giving boys and girls the opportunity to experience positive touch through hand, head and shoulder massage helps them feel good (it has been suggested it helps re-wire their brains in much the same way as cuddles and strokes help an infant). Teaching the girls how to do manicures and pedicures allows them to look and feel good about themselves, legitimises positive experiences of touch and offers an alternative route to both outside sex.

Savvy_Sue

Kid's Company might be a very worthwhile contact!

Buddingblonde

Thanks for all those points - def some great ideas in there.

Re SD's mother being a party girl - this happened after she realised that she had had children too young and decided to abandon her kids to be single and carefree.

SD is very very bright - far too street wise for her age and is treated like an adult (she has always been very tall for her age and now is 5 6 size 10, curvy in all the right places) I do not think she is sexually active as yet as she has this very very insular, symbiotic friendship. This older girl is her only friend and SD has never had many friendships due to chaotic parenting.

Social Worker says that SD is very happy with her life and he feels that this is because she has complete and utter control over every aspect of her life. She doesnt want to do something, she pretends to be ill. SW commented that SD is the adult in the household and that the gran is the child. SD has been vioent with the gran when the gran has been drunk. They have spoken to SD about her being the grans carer but SD doesnt feel that she is the carer and SW agree that she doesnt present as a child carer at breaking point.

Older sister will not meet with SW and they have lied about the boyfriend living in the house with them. SD is fully aware of the situation and the implications of not going to school and is very off hand about it all and very blaze about the whole thing. She feels that they cant make her go so she isnt going and no one will change that.

SW have spoken to her in depth about her relationship with her dad - she says that he is too strict and ends up shouting at her and accusing her of stealing (any time this has happend is when she HAS been stealing and has been caught with money that she has stolen). SD cries a lot at the meeting with social workers but they say that she is very emotionally detatched and that they tears stop immediately when challenged. She is very skilled at telling them what they want to hear but they are very aware that she is not really talking from the heart.

I am thinking that we could all do with a holiday together to build a bond away from her contacts and away from the home environment. I dont know if we can mange this financially or how we will cope longer term as I am the one with the flexibility in my work and career and I can see a lot of the getting to school landing with me as opposed to her dad.

I am going to make notes and get OH to read this post in a few days when there are more comments so that he can get an idea of other peoples thoughts and experiences of these types of processes. I am just hoping that he will step up to the mark.

sueeve

One of the things to remember about a holiday is that you take yourselves, and your problems, with you. I can see why you think this might be a good idea, but with her withdrawal from her life style, plus readjusting (or not!!) to the new situation you could well be making a financial sacrifice which does not do what is intended. If you do go down this road be prepared for disappointment.

claire1234

hiya,

havnt really got much advise for you as we are in a similar situation, my step-kids live with there mum,

you should be very proud of yourself.

me and my OH book a holiday and everything, (just a wkend in blackpool) the 2 kids were invited but the mum said they are not allowed to come with us so that "bonding" idea was out the window,

they are now 14 & 16, they are both smoking & drinking, we dont know about drugs or anything else,
my SD has many times since last october been round to see us & quite a few texts/phone calls, sometimes she is unstable and has ran away before - often we dont know what to do for the best, its very hard.

one thing me and oh were thinking is to go for sunday lunch out somewhere to start building up a bond, we were thinking the local weatherspoons,

not sure if a good idea or not but maybe something you could do?
it is my sd`s birthday in a fortnight so i was thinking of asking her to meet me for some lunch/tea to see her n have a good chat,

hope everything goes ok for you & good luck

JoJoB

It sounds like a very difficult situation - you've had great advice here though, particularly about how to go about things with social services.

I just wanted to add something to the conversation about a bonding holiday/experience together before you begin day-to-day life as a family (if you go down that route). Lots of these "bootcamp" places for teens involve going to a completely different environment and engaging in challenging activities. Maybe doing something like that all together would be a good bonding experience. You're all being challenged together so sort of on an equal footing, and can encourage one another with difficult tasks. Also it's somewhere that is completely outside of normal experience so gives everyone a sense of perspective/emotional detachment from their ordinary life which allows for reflection that otherwise might be difficult to attain.

I don't know where in the country you are, but maybe if you can find somewhere not too far away that does lots of countryside activities - a PGL centre where you can all abseil or rockclimb or canoe, or even a centreparks, or a LakeDistrict activity centre. It might sound a bit trite, but sometimes to be taken out of yourself you need to be taken totally out of your usual environment, situation and away from major influences (like close friends who are no doubt suffering from similar damaged childhoods).

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'm going to say something that is probably going to be unpopular here.

Do you want to be responsible for this person, who doesn't see any authority, does as she pleases, is aware enough to act and manipulate and is likely to be violent towards you if she can't get her own way?

I'm not asking do you think you should be responsible - I am asking do you want to take all this on?

Honestly, in your heart, do you want to have the thieving and the aggression and the manipulation and the social services and the prosecution when she doesn't attend school/walks straight out if you drop her off at the gate, etc, etc? And there are plenty of kids who would rather chop their own leg off than be subjected to anything country or activity related, especially if it involved being separated from their one constant friend.

It sounds as though you won't get the support that you should from your OH as he either doesn't want to or cannot do it due to his own experiences.

If you feel that yes, you want to do this, even without any real support in your own home and all the problems that could (and probably will) come with her - plus the normal ones of boys, older men, drink, drugs and other normal occurrences - then say yes.

But don't take on so much if you know that you really wouldn't enjoy it and are offering from guilt and feeling sorry for her miserable little life.

I think you are wonderful for even considering it.

Savvy_Sue

Well said JoJo. I am really not sure I would want to take on such a challenge, even if it was my own child who had somehow ended up in that place.

But moving back a step:

JoJoB wrote: »

a PGL centre where you can all abseil or rockclimb or canoe, or even a centreparks, or a LakeDistrict activity centre.

Our last 'proper' family holiday was at Manor Adventure, in the UK, when our eldest was 13 or so. It was great, and MIGHT work for you. The children were in dormitories and 'not our problem' for most of the time, but we saw each other at mealtimes, and sometimes as we moved around the site.

In their French chateau, you 'work' as a family unit, which might be more bonding.

However, there is no way I would consider taking a child who didn't actively want to be there on such a holiday - it wouldn't be fair on the staff or other families - and I doubt they would tolerate smoking, drinking or drugs.

Buddingblonde

Again thanks for the feedback and support - I am trying to keep track of the major questions being asked here.

Firstly this has been a bit of a Titanic situation - we could see the iceberg coming but couldnt stop the collision. I have known for a long time that this day would come. Many times over the years have I tried to engage with OH about it but out of sight out of mind (he has been a terrible father but his own childhood was very difficult - I think that he needs counselling and support to address his past but he would never go for something like that. He had been a drug addict (cannabis) from 14 until 34 and the impact on his mental health was severe although now that he doesnt smoke he has come on leaps and bounds).

Do I want her here? Yes guilt certainly plays a part but I really feel that she deserves a family life that allows her to develop and grow into the beautiful intelligent person she has the ability to be). If I am honest I dont think OH really wants to inflict his mistakes on our relationship but I love him and I would do anything for him. That said I find myself thinking that if we split I would still offer a home to SD and raise her myself.

Re holidays - I could be wrong but adventure/team building etc hols would be excellent if she wanted to do them - however seeing that she fakes illness when confronted with anything she doesnt want to do it could be a waste of time and money. How we are ever going to get her functioning as a family member is beyond me at the moment - how do you challange behaviour that has been actively encouraged for the past 10 yrs?????