Step Daughter - very long and very complicated

Buddingblonde

Whoops - clicked the wrong button - sorry folks.

Re holiday - the reason I thought about a holiday was -
1. neutral ground, not her moving into our home.
2. Change of routine for all of us
3. Some shared experience - to build a family connection

I do not know how she would respond to a severing off all ties with her old life - when she was little she managed well playing by 2 rules - one for here and one for there but I dont want to encourge her to compartmentalise her life - for me this is why she is so emotionally detatched.

Her room here needs redecorating as it is like a nursary - I had thought that when she comes we could start by letting her design and decorate her space as she wishes. I am concerned about putting tv or laptop into the room but these could be used as rewards for better behaviour, school attendance etc etc - does this sound reasonable? I had no children (as you can no doubt tell) and I feel that I may be being very naive or simplistic about the situation.

OH and SD have a shared love of football so I am hoping that he can be encouraged to engage her in this love. I know that we have to bond as a unit, but also that i need to bond with SD and she needs to bond with OH.

The money side of things is a real worry - both of us work full time but with her coming here I may have to reduce my hours to accommodate getting her to school in the morning. There obviously will be tax credits and child ben but there is the costs of trying to build her a world here.

Ahh - I suppose the next step is keep thinking - keep taking notes and keep asking questions - we dont know how the childrens panel will go yet.

Thanks for all your thoughts and comments and the lovely messages that people are sending me.

daska

At 13 girls are seriously pushing boundaries and you are going to be unpopular whatever you do to rein her in. It sounds as if your SD has significant needs and that to give her a life in your family would mean that you also would need significant support. How these issues will be addressed 'should' be sorted out in advance of you taking responsibility for her and SS should provide ongoing support while she still has needs. Note I say 'should' because if my personal experience is anything to go by they'll drop her on you and run. If they promise or suggest anything please make sure you get it in writing.

Buddingblonde

Thanks for that - Ill keep that in mind

Savvy_Sue

Buddingblonde wrote: »

That said I find myself thinking that if we split I would still offer a home to SD and raise her myself.

And to be brutally honest, you might be able to do a better job of it on your own than with your OH. He's got enough 'issues' of his own, you will NOT get the support you both need from him, not because he doesn't want to give it but because he CAN'T give it, and you could end up fighting both of them.

Sorry to be bleak.

However, just because she doesn't come to you f/t doesn't mean you can't see and support her, maybe weekends (respite for her foster family!) and the idea of planning and decorating her room may be a good one.

Newly_retired

Wow, I can hardly believe you feel up to taking SD on without your OH's support.
I have been a s-mum myself, but I was already a mum so kind of knew what to expect a little, but was totally unprepared for the way SD managed to drive a wedge between OH and me - and he did not have the background that your OH has.
I hope that massive support is in place for you all before you take this on, if that is the outcome.

Buddingblonde

A new day and a new thought process.

Thanks again for all the input here - I know it must seem a very difficult situation to comment on but all your points are appreciated.

I have started making a list of things that I want to raise with SW. I am esp interested in part time residency - just so that she can start to build a bond with both of us again but then I dont know whether this would cause more insecurity for an already challenged child.

Re: 13 yr olds - my SD is incredibly old for her age and I cant help worrying that she is too old to be reigned in. Has anyone here had a problem teen of their own and how have they dealt with challenging behaviour like drinking and smoking and rule breaking. Is it still appropriate to dislike the behaviour but still try to convey love to the child. If so then how do you do this. Security is going to difficult here I know!!!!

lynzpower

Buddingblonde wrote: »

A new day and a new thought process.

Thanks again for all the input here - I know it must seem a very difficult situation to comment on but all your points are appreciated.

I have started making a list of things that I want to raise with SW. I am esp interested in part time residency - just so that she can start to build a bond with both of us again but then I dont know whether this would cause more insecurity for an already challenged child.

Re: 13 yr olds - my SD is incredibly old for her age and I cant help worrying that she is too old to be reigned in. Has anyone here had a problem teen of their own and how have they dealt with challenging behaviour like drinking and smoking and rule breaking. Is it still appropriate to dislike the behaviour but still try to convey love to the child. If so then how do you do this. Security is going to difficult here I know!!!!

She is not too old to be reined in just because she looks like an adult, she is still a child and needs love and security. The fact she only has one friend suggests to me a un-trusting nature.

I would wonder ( if I were in her shoes) why on earth dad sits there letting her live with alcoholic gran who is *whatever* its because he doesn't want to hang out with her.

What would your OH say to her if she were to say that.

Sounds like the poor kid needs the right sort of attention. Its no wonder that she sees the answers to hope to cope by drinking and smoking if all her caregivers have been "escapists". ( saying that some teenagers will anyway- regardless of what their parents will do)

Just a few thoughts, very best of luck

Ps shared care is a lovely idea but it will cause so much conflict. If the care gran provides isnt good enough 7 days a week, why would it be good enough 3 days a week?

RAS

Hi

Am going to post few links re things to read

Urban Grimshaw - pretty grim readiing. i think one of my old housemates had one or more of the children in this family in the home she worked in. The situation was so bad and chaotic and the family so large that at one stage the LA considered putting them al in a single group home with intensive support.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Urban-Grimshaw-Shed-Crew-Bernard/dp/0340837349

Fatima Whitbread - the other side - grew up in childrens' homes, discovering that her siblings were in same homes unknown to her. Life changed when the stroppy teenager met a sports teacher who insisited on good behaviour http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fatima-Whitbread/dp/074740321X

This article really struck me whe i read; in order to care for some of the baddest kids around this secure unit starts by forcing the kids to behave in a way that is appropriate to a child of their age, if no one slightly younger. Most kids in the big bad worlsd would baulk at the restrictions on access to entertainment and insistance on work and education.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/the-end-of-innocence-inside-britains-child-prisons-1874053.html

Your SD needs to learn to be a little girl again and not to be the one in power in relationships.

And this for communication

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Listen-Wright-Norman-Oliver/dp/0830733280

Savvy_Sue

Buddingblonde wrote: »

Is it still appropriate to dislike the behaviour but still try to convey love to the child. If so then how do you do this.

OF COURSE it is appropriate to do this. How you convey it is a whole different question, but one of the keys might be finding which 'language of love' your SD understands.

I'm sorry, that may not be a term used these days, but just as there are all sorts of theories about how we learn things, so we may have different ways of receiving and giving love.

I haven't been able to find anything about this in relation to teenagers with a quick google (and watch where it might lead you!) but this gives you some idea what I'm talking about.

You might not be able to 'use' their language much to begin with, eg if a child only feels loved if they're given money which they then spend on drugs, but at least you might understand what it is and find ways of expressing it. I think we're supposed to 'understand' a primary and a secondary love language too, so the secondary might work if the primary's not appropriate.

It might help you understand why your OH struggles with parenting too. Don't know, but it's a possibility.

lynzpower wrote: »

Ps shared care is a lovely idea but it will cause so much conflict. If the care gran provides isnt good enough 7 days a week, why would it be good enough 3 days a week?

I was kind of assuming that SS might remove her from the grandmother's care altogether, hopefully to a suitable and skilled foster placement, but allow contact from the OP and her partner. Frankly, I wouldn't hold out much hope of shared care working as long as she's got no boundaries most of the time.

lynzpower

I was kind of assuming that SS might remove her from the grandmother's care altogether, hopefully to a suitable and skilled foster placement, but allow contact from the OP and her partner. Frankly, I wouldn't hold out much hope of shared care working as long as she's got no boundaries most of the time.

That sounds like it might be a really good idea, working with a skilled specialist FC would be good as would teach OP and dad what the skills/ comm styles etc so OP and OH dont feel so lost and would build confidence all