Step Daughter - very long and very complicated

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

New unpleasant fault - does her father actually genuinely want the girl around?

Buddingblonde

Wow - thanks for all the input tonight people - the links for books are useful and I will be amazoning before the end of the evening.

Re shared care - sorry I didnt make myself clear - I meant shared with a home or foster service not with the granmother. The problem is that her gran will still need contact as will her sister but they will totally undermine any support that we put in place. I also think OHs mother would be a problem too as she is refusing to see any problems with SD's behaviour.

Language of love - I like what has been written and I know that it is a common theme in supporting people in their emotional development - I must try and read some on this subject but massage, pampering and basic touch seems to be a popular theme in feedback so far.

You are so amazing at taking time out to give me support and guidance - thank you all for your input you are making things a lot clearer for me.

Buddingblonde

OH does want daughter here just has no idea how to relate to her or the chaos that having her here will bring. He always favoured the best pals act rather than parent/child.
The reason that their relationship has deteriatorated is because of the restricitions that grandmother has put in place. Threats of calls to the police, threats of CSA, threats of complaints of sexual abuse or just violence has caused OH to retrreat from any communication for fear of finding himself in a very dangerous situation.
He has no confidence in his ability to love and care for people (he has no bonds with his own family and even now is distant in our relationship at times). He has unconditional love for animals though and can be the most loving person. He has a long memory and a short fuse but he accepts that these need working on.

Savvy_Sue

the thing is that in a 'proper' placement then there SHOULD be boundaries around when and for how long and for what activities SD has contact with her birth family.

I haven't seen it happen with teenagers, but I know when a baby or young child is in foster care, Mum's contact is by appointment, in a set place, at a set time, with perhaps set activities. There will be an agreement about who else can see the child if Mum is taking him / her 'off-site' (although sometimes that just doesn't happen!)

And in a couple of residential settings for adults that I'm aware of, going out is initially only with a buddy, and later it has to be pre-arranged, to a set place, for a set purpose, to be back by a set time. If meeting someone else is 'on the agenda', this also has to be agreed.

These settings are for adults, as I said, but many of them have had NO boundaries when they were younger, and of course they hate it, and rebel, and 'break the rules' etc. But they do learn that that has consequences, and either start to make better choices, or not.

It's not pretty when it's 'or not'.

Buddingblonde

Consequences - an area I am not looking forward to. Nothing more effective than empty threats will only lead to further bad behaviour but trying to ignore the bad behaviour and rewarding the good is going to be difficult.

daska

Another item for your list when you talk with SS is a CAMHS referral. They work both with the child and the family.

If you can go with rewards that she chooses you have more chance of her wanting to behave to achieve them. But start small with easily achievable targets

Savvy_Sue

Buddingblonde wrote: »

Consequences - an area I am not looking forward to. Nothing more effective than empty threats will only lead to further bad behaviour but trying to ignore the bad behaviour and rewarding the good is going to be difficult.

And, in my admittedly limited experience, this does not work with all children / young people. I found with one of mine that if he wasn't 'checked' fairly promptly then he would go on, and on, and on. Admittedly this was mostly verbal 'stuff', but a clear statement of 'No, that is NOT acceptable' worked far better than ignoring him.

Mine have also accused me of being patronising if I comment on 'good' behaviour. Sometimes you just can't win.

Nor can I see how ignoring bad behaviour could possibly work with someone who has been completely unboundaried for so long. At the very least I think it needs an "If ... Then" statement - as she flounces out through the door saying that she hates you and you hate her and she is off back to her grandmother's from whose care she has been removed, she needs to hear that you do love her, and BECAUSE you love her, IF she does that THEN you have no choice but to notify her Social Worker who WILL have her picked up by the police (or whatever - that's extreme, but if there is enough concern for a young person then that can happen).

but actually I came on to ask if you would mind me sending a link via PM to this thread to someone who's been very helpful on another thread? If you'd rather I didn't, I won't.

tabskitten

This will probably not go down well but here goes.......

You may feel that you want to help this girl, you may feel that you should help this girl. But you know it is going to be hard, put a massive stress on you, your OH and your relationship, and on your SD.

It may be that what is best for her is to go into care, where she can go somewhere new and different and not be judged on past problems and family baggage. A fresh start.

Whatever happens in the SR will be stressful for all of you, but in the LR it may be a better, fairer solution for all of you.

Just a thought (cowers awaiting blows!!)

Savvy_Sue

tabskitten wrote: »

Just a thought (cowers awaiting blows!!)

Not at all, I think several of us agree with your assessment. Our big concern would be that the quality of foster care, particularly for very challenging teenagers, is let's just say 'patchy', so that even in the long run it may not ever look as if this was the best thing.

However, it's impossible to predict.

The response may have to be that they love her too much to let themselves be sucked into a situation which has too many obvious difficulties to be workable. Whether the SD has enough insight into her situation to appreciate that yet is another unknown factor.

Buddingblonde

Tabs - please dont wait for abuse - I am open to every opinion and every option here. I am trying not to make any decisions until I can fully look at all sides of the debate. I hope that that is coming through from my posts -honestly every view point is greatly appreciated

Sue - please pass on this link. Anyone who you think I should be speaking to would be fab. Not being a parent myself I wonder if I am being too naive here and am turning a serious situation into a worse one by letting her into our home with a distant father and no emotional link to any of us.