Relationships and money

stroppyjock

I would never have a joint account again

My marriage ended after 21 years (by text, but thats another story) with me being £42500 debt. This was accrued by my wife by forging my sig on loans and cc, and also not paying bills, mortgage etc. all in my name only. I was stationed overseas so being "happily married" I gave my ex full account responsibility. However as I had a child at the time I saw my wife "alright" for nearly three years, paying all mortgage/utilities and child maintenance (in total £1200 a month) This amount is not even considered when the seperation agreement is written up.

I had to take out a trust deed to clear it all, didnt think of reporting her and always hoped for a reconcilliation and was still deeply in love with her.

After trust deed finished she wanted a divorce, I was taken for £52,000 cash, the profits of the marital home. I came away with £12500, this was due to my military service pension and for her not to claim against it.

Due to this law I had to leave the RAF as if I had stayed in the payment would have been ALL the profit from the house £64500 and approx £700 a month for five years.

So in summary, because my ex didnt want to stay married, it cost me £95200 cash. It cost her.............. oh nothing.

The only silver lining is, she spent the money completely in 9 months!

From now on it is single account with me keeping a very very close eye on ingoings and outgoings.

Bloomberg

TighterThanTwoCoatsOfPain wrote: »

You're assuming i was taken for the money? We were together 7 years, after which time I decided it "wasnt for me" and saw my girlfriend alright.

Whilst reading back i acknowledge you could potentially take offence to my original hurried reply (needed to get back to work! ), I still stand by my viewpoint that if you can't be 100% honest about your financial standing then you're already on the wrong foot.

Friends of ours sound like you, in it that if he gets a large bonus at work he will either keep it a secret, or tell his missus a different amount... Given one of the fundamentals of any relationship is trust, surely you see why I have trouble with your theory?

Out of interest, is your wife aware how in the dark she is?

A poll might be interesting as to if people feel being honest and upfront about financial matters is important in a marriage / relationship.

My wife does not ask me financial questions. I pay ALL the household bills apart from the food. I also fully expense her car. Our marital home is in my name only and she can never have any claim on that. I owned a flat which I signed over to her, she gets a good rental income which is hers to keep. Why do we need to know what each other have. Not once have we argued about money.

If we were to split which at the moment seems unlikely she has the flat and ample money to fall back on.

frugalzzz

Bloomberg, why are you on the debt free wannabee board? Not trying to be rude or anything. Most of us are here because we're in debt or have been in debt in the past.

You seem to be in a brilliant financial situation. I just wonder what took you over here, I guess I'm hoping it's to try and be of help.

Bloomberg

frugalzzz wrote: »

Bloomberg, why are you on the debt free wannabee board? Not trying to be rude or anything. Most of us are here because we're in debt or have been in debt in the past.

You seem to be in a brilliant financial situation. I just wonder what took you over here, I guess I'm hoping it's to try and be of help.

As mentioned in my original thread I have seen many of my friends left in abject debt by greedy partners who in the first instance and for many years appeared to be salt of the earth. I hate to see such injustices so I thought that it would be a good idea to write my post.

Some of my friends who have been tucked have ended up seeking advice on this forum. Please note that it is never my intention to offend anyone or to gloat, thanks for your post. All the best.

Bloomberg

JohnD76 wrote: »

I think you will find that is the job of the divorce lawyer.

Prevention is better than cure.

frugalzzz

Hi Bloomberg, thanks for the clarification, I'll be honest and say I think some of your posts seem a wee bit self-congratulatory, nothing seems to have gone wrong for you. You have all bases covered and good for you, but life isn't that cut and dried for most of us, and we are flawed humans beings, hence our presence here.

Personally I wouldn't dream of taking your advice. 19 years of marriage, two fantastic kids, two flawed parents. We got into this together and we'll get out of it together, that's just how we roll.

WendysWorld

vaporate wrote: »

I totally agree with the OP on this, and pity the nay-sayers.

At the end of the day, everyone is out for themselves. wife today, !!!!! from hell 2moro.

I most certainly will never open a joint account, why bother? Just ties you down and you are far better off keeping your own money in your OWN bank account. No arguments then.

I would also keep large sums of money a secret too. Who says you have to disclose everything to your partner. Leverage is a nice little cushion.

My view anyway. Hope it makes sense.

While I can see why the OP would be careful because of what happened to his friends, I think this is a bit much. OK, if you meet someone when you've already got assets, then you probably need to be a bit careful. However, when you're married and have children, I'm sorry to be old-fashioned but you need to be open and honest about what you have, otherwise what's the point?
I would be really peed off if my partner kept schtum about any large sums of money although in our case, we both met at University (so both penniless) and we got married after 10 years together (now married 8 years) so we've been together a long time. Although we had separate accounts at first and just had one joint account for bills, once we got engaged all finances became joint. I do all the bills and paperwork (more because I'm the one who can be bothered!) and he has access to all accounts too.

Also OP (and those of you who think marriage is pointless), I do know people on the other side of the fence. I have a friend who moved in with her wealthy banker boyfriend, had a great life for a couple of years keeping house and they had a son together. Once he decided to boot her out and get in his secretary, she was out on the street with no assets of her own and out of the work treadmill for 3 years. She moved on and is fine now but her main problem is her ex-partner does not even bother to be around for their son, doesn't have any interest in his schooling and doesn't turn up for his birthday parties/school plays etc. It's heartbreaking for her.

Vaporate, not everyone is out to get their hands on your money and not every women will be out to get you. But just on the safe side it's probably better you stay single.
OP good luck on your arrangement and I'm glad it works for you - although be careful you're not treating your wife like the 'little woman'. Something which would annoy me....We both work although we would love if I could stay at home - circumstances don't allow for it though currently. But if I was a SAHM, I would certainly want to know where all the family money goes! You may be the breadwinner but it takes two to make a marriage and if she's keeping your home and looking after your children I do think she has a right to know all the finances. The flip side of keeping what you have secret is keeping your debts secret.

Just my opinion obviously and hope I don't offend anyone.

BM

frugalzzz

Also, worth pointing out to anyone who has a partner that SAH, (we both work so it doesn't apply to us), if you are successful in your job it's likely due to the fact that there is someone at home dealing with a ton of crap on a daily basis that you don't have to be bothered with. You can work late, not make it to doctors appts, school PTA's etc, and you can focus on storming up the corporate ladder or whatever you do.

I work with and absolute !!!!!!!, who hangs around work until his kids are in bed so he doesn't have to deal with them, and he's constantly on about how lucky his wife is to have him to provide for them all.

debtstressed

Bloomberg wrote: »

My wife does not ask me financial questions. I pay ALL the household bills apart from the food. I also fully expense her car. Our marital home is in my name only and she can never have any claim on that. I owned a flat which I signed over to her, she gets a good rental income which is hers to keep. Why do we need to know what each other have. Not once have we argued about money.

If we were to split which at the moment seems unlikely she has the flat and ample money to fall back on.

Interesting....let's get this straight....

You pay all the bills....
You pay for her car...
You gave her a flat...
She gets all that and rent money to spend as she wishes

No wonder you don't discuss money...you're paying for everything anyway!!:rotfl:


Try telling her you are suddenly skint and see what might happen...:eek:
Am trying to put this delicately....have you ever wondered why so many rich old men have a supermodel girlfirend on their arm. Is it purely coz she loves him? Bet she aint stressing him over why they never discuss the finances round the kitchen table! Why would that be?

By the way...if you're married, and have been for a while, she does have a claim on the marital home and everything else including the balances on your elusive bank statements.....Up to half I think. That's what divorce lawyers do best!

I think you might be setting yourself up for a nasty fall if it ever goes wrong...If I was so well kept you wouldn't hear a peep out of me!

By the way, I think you are missing out on the love and trust aspect of totally committed relationships. Can't put that on a mastercard...it's priceless.

Good Luck!

immoral_angeluk

Bloomberg wrote: »

My wife does not ask me financial questions. I pay ALL the household bills apart from the food. I also fully expense her car. Our marital home is in my name only and she can never have any claim on that. I owned a flat which I signed over to her, she gets a good rental income which is hers to keep. Why do we need to know what each other have. Not once have we argued about money.

If we were to split which at the moment seems unlikely she has the flat and ample money to fall back on.

Personally that sounds like my idea of hell, being 'kept' and having everything paid...

sounds like a one way ticket to low self esteem and confidence issues to me.

Then again I'm fiercely independant and would absolutely hate being the 'little wifey' again.