Relationships and money

immoral_angeluk

I'm in the 'one bitten twice shy' catagory.

I've seperated from my now ex husband and we divorced in January. My credit rating is STILL affected by his as we had a joint hire purchase agreement and although the court have removed my liablility for it via a consent/clean break order, the company refuse to take it off my credit file as I'm on the account. So I need to wait for it to be settled before I can disassociate myself from my exhusband financially. Which sucks, as he has CCJs and could be doing anything and everything with his money or even going bankrupt and it would still affect me until at the very earliest, october/november.

As for joint accounts, if I lived with someone I would set up a joint account for the bills only. Whatever was left would be ours to do with how we like and there's no way I'd combine all of our money again as I had first hand experiences of the arguments and stress it caused.

Of course I say this now but currently I'm living on my own with my children and although I have a boyfriend, we don't live together and have no reason to combine finances.

bugbabe1970

Bloomberg

Sounds like you and your wife are in a very fortunate position financially. Some people on these boards have to watch every penny their household receives so dont have the luxury of not combinging all their money into one point.

Im a bit in the middle. I dont have to watch every penny but my DH and I do have to be carefull. One mariiage, one account. Suits us just fine. We are different. After 16 years of marriage I do not forsee a divorce as part of our future but if the worse happens then it is something that will have to be dealt with. Cross that bridge......................

Hermia

Britwife wrote: »

I still find it confusing about relationships. I know that nothing will ever separate my husband and I, I am that confident in our marriage and our relationship with God. Marriage is just not a piece of paper, it is a serious commitment between 2 who will work at being a couple everyday and honoring the vows they made to each other. When things go wrong, you have an obligation to work on it. Marriage is also about compromise and give and take.

I think it's lovely you feel like that, but I'm sure a lot of now divorced couples once felt like that too. My aunt and uncle were happily married for 15 years with two lovely kids. Then he went through a major midlife crisis and ran off abroad with a younger woman after cleaning out every one of their accounts. My aunt had absolutely no idea that he wanted to leave her, especially as he was still wanting sex right up to the end. I know so many couples who were once happy and really worked at their marriage, but then something just goes wrong. And usually-nice people can get greedy when things turn sour. You never completely know another person, especially if you have never seen them under pressure. A couple I know are in the process of divorcing. They were a committed Christian couple, but then he was converted to the Jehovah's Witnesses by some friends at work. He told her that she either convert as well and take the children out of school in order to homeschool them or they'd have to divorce. Nobody would ever have imagined him doing this in a million years!

I think one of the problems with marriages now is that people can come to the relationship with different assets. I know so many couples where once person came to the marriage with a house or considerable savings and the other person had nothing or debts. I think it's only sensible to think ahead to what could happen in the future.

I think having a joint account for bills and then keeping separate account for yourself is best. I don't want kids though and I can see why this could be a problem if one person gives up work to raise the kids.

Gambit

Britwife wrote: »

Both my husband and myself would never dream of having separate accounts. As a married couple we are one. I know that sounds corny but that's how we look at it. I think it's sad that so many feel they have to have their own money when married. I do think it's a bit different when you're not married.

So does that mean you dont have your 'own money'? I wouldnt like that as it means if I wanted to buy myself something like a computer game, new clothes or even a pub lunch I would feel guilty using our 'joint money'. What about things like presents? Does that mean that he techinically pays for part of his own gift when you buy him a birthday present? Also as it's one account doesnt that mean he might see what you have bought him for his birthday before you actually give it to him thus ruining the surprise?

Britwife wrote: »

When I see failed marriages, I feel that there were probably issues before the marriage took place and shouldn't have got married but ignored any red flags. If you ignore any red flags in a relationship no matter how small, they will come back and ruin the relationship.

I dont think you can really say that. People change and grow apart. Sometime they both change in the same way and sometimes they dont. I dont think you can say that people with 'failed marriages' (dont like that term as it sounds like it's someone's fault) should have seen the signs and shouldnt have got married. I too agree that marriage shouldnt be taken lightly and that it probably is these days but at the same time I think that if a marriage doesnt work, people shouldnt be judged for ending it as there is no point flogging a dead horse so to speak.

Britwife wrote: »

People take relationships too lightly and can be taken down too easily when done that way. If I were just in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, I would never buy a property with that person because there is no way to see the future of it, it's just too easy to walk out the door and you have to fight to get what you paid for. Yeah, I know it's just as easy to walk out on a marriage, but back to what I wrote before, if there are issues or ignored red flags....those are the marriages that are easy to walk away from.

Finally I have to really disagree with you here Britwife. Just because a couple is not married, doesnt mean they have no future together. You said yourself that marriage is taken too lightly so just because a couple A decided to get married and buy a property, doesnt mean that couple B who arent married and decide to buy a property have any less chance of staying together. It may be that couple A got married too soon and couple B are not really to get married yet but will go in the next 5 years or so and actually end up being together well after couple A have got a divorce and re-married.

I can see you are very much supportive of marriage which is great and good on you and your husband on making it work. But I dont like the fact that you suggest those who arent married are not 'committed' to eachother as much.

JohnD76

Bloomberg wrote: »

If after getting tucked up for twenty grand you still do not subscribe to my viewpoint then you will never learn. Those who do not learn from history repeat it.

Being secretive is not the same as being tight and begrudging, you seem to have confused the two. My wife and I pity you for being a mug and letting your psuedo lover take you for twenty large. WAKE UP MATE. :laugh:

Not wanting to state the obvious, but if you get divorced you need to declare all your assets so why not be honest with the woman you love and married?

My wife was on a very good wage and now is a stay at home Mum looking after our children, I would never dream of keeping anything from her and never have especially something as stupid as how much I earn or what I have in the bank.

moneysaver599

We have a joint account. We pay our salaries into seperate accounts and pay a share in each for the bills and some leftover emergency cash each month. It is managed fully by me by online banking but my other half gets quarterly statements. It does have an overdraft which is just a precaution incase any DDs etc. come out early and neither of us would EVER consider using it without the other's permission. We are both open and honest about our financial situation and if we didn't trust each other we would not be living together and having a baby.

My sister and her OH use a joint account for everything although I think it's a bit restrictive - i.e. either wanted to go out a buy her/himself a games console (for example) then they would have to discuss it as it a large purchase from their "joint" funds. If me or my OH wanted something like that, we could go ahead as long as we meet our share for the bills and household expenses. The rest of our money is ours. Everybody is different though and I think it depends on your attitude and upbringing towards money.

Gambit

moneysaver599 wrote: »

We have a joint account. We pay our salaries into seperate accounts and pay a share in each for the bills and some leftover emergency cash each month. It is managed fully by me by online banking but my other half gets quarterly statements. It does have an overdraft which is just a precaution incase any DDs etc. come out early and neither of us would EVER consider using it without the other's permission. We are both open and honest about our financial situation and if we didn't trust each other we would not be living together and having a baby.

Yep, that's how we do it too. I keep a check on things online then I ask her to check the statements so she sees where the money is going.

moneysaver599 wrote: »

My sister and her OH use a joint account for everything although I think it's a bit restrictive - i.e. either wanted to go out a buy her/himself a games console (for example) then they would have to discuss it as it a large purchase from their "joint" funds. If me or my OH wanted something like that, we could go ahead as long as we meet our share for the bills and household expenses. The rest of our money is ours. Everybody is different though and I think it depends on your attitude and upbringing towards money.

This is what I dont get about the whole sharing money thing. I like to know I can buy a PS3 game next month if I like without having to ask my girlfriend about it. And I dont think it would be fair as she shouldnt have to pay for my games just like I shouldnt have to pay for her buying a new pair of shoes

Britwife

Gambit, that's why I stated those were just my opinions and not being pushed on anyone. I have also not judged anyone. I do agree that I favor marriage but as I said, I'm old fashioned. Maybe part of me lives in a dream world but I'm happy with that.

I do understand where some of you are coming from.....its just not me

Bloomberg

Hermia wrote: »

I think it's lovely you feel like that, but I'm sure a lot of now divorced couples once felt like that too. My aunt and uncle were happily married for 15 years with two lovely kids. Then he went through a major midlife crisis and ran off abroad with a younger woman after cleaning out every one of their accounts. My aunt had absolutely no idea that he wanted to leave her, especially as he was still wanting sex right up to the end. I know so many couples who were once happy and really worked at their marriage, but then something just goes wrong. And usually-nice people can get greedy when things turn sour. You never completely know another person, especially if you have never seen them under pressure. A couple I know are in the process of divorcing. They were a committed Christian couple, but then he was converted to the Jehovah's Witnesses by some friends at work. He told her that she either convert as well and take the children out of school in order to homeschool them or they'd have to divorce. Nobody would ever have imagined him doing this in a million years!

I think one of the problems with marriages now is that people can come to the relationship with different assets. I know so many couples where once person came to the marriage with a house or considerable savings and the other person had nothing or debts. I think it's only sensible to think ahead to what could happen in the future.

I think having a joint account for bills and then keeping separate account for yourself is best. I don't want kids though and I can see why this could be a problem if one person gives up work to raise the kids.

What you have written demonstrates my point exactly, thank you for sharing that with us. You are so right what you say about never totally knowing another person. Despite what you have written there will still be some people who will not understand our viewpoint. Thank you again.:T

Gambit

Britwife wrote: »

Gambit, that's why I stated those were just my opinions and not being pushed on anyone. I have also not judged anyone. I do agree that I favor marriage but as I said, I'm old fashioned. Maybe part of me lives in a dream world but I'm happy with that.

I do understand where some of you are coming from.....its just not me

Fair enough, it's good that you dont judge those who arent married. I'm kinda old fashioned too which is why when I get married I hope it's to the right person so I'm not rushing into it! I've been with my girfriend for 3 years and have known her for 7 so we know eachother pretty well but just arent there yet. But we are jumping on the property ladder now as I think it's best to get on it ASAP especially living in London as we do where prices are only going up!