Helping someone with Post Natal Depression.

Rachie_B

all you can do is be there for her ,you cant "force" someone to open up and admit whats going on / what shes feeling

have you had a word with her partner if there is one ?

if / when she is ready to admit she needs help then this charity is very good
http://www.home-start.org.uk/ she may open up to a stranger ?

SCREAMIN_BABIES

Rachie_B wrote:

all you can do is be there for her ,you cant "force" someone to open up and admit whats going on / what shes feeling

have you had a word with her partner if there is one ?

if / when she is ready to admit she needs help then this charity is very good
http://www.home-start.org.uk/ she may open up to a stranger ?

exactly right she will talk when she is ready if you suggest it to her it might push her further from help , just be there and listen .
you probably will say something wrong , noy on perpose but she will be very sensative so dont worry to much . my family are constantly on egg shells at the mo .

fesdufun

I work in a Children's Centre (it used to be Sure Start but we are all Children's Centre now). We offer a wide range of groups and support for parents. I run a baby massage group. Research has shown that baby massage can help with PND. We also offer one-to-one sessions if mums can't leave the house but I think the best part of the group is the support of the other mums.

Could you support her in attending a local group? Most of the mums I speak to find it helps just to get out of the house and a cup of tea made for them!

Good luck. You sound like a good friend.

Nicki

I had very bad PND after number 2 and was ultimately hospitalised for a long period as a result. With all due respect to fesdufun, attending baby massage classes wouldn't have made a blind bit of difference and would have been impossible in any event, given how ill I was. There is a vast difference between proper PND, and mild baby blues which a lot of parents experience. Baby blues might be helped by getting out into the community, meeting other parents and generally being supported, but full blown PND, which can include suicidal thoughts, psychosis, and thoughts of harming the child really should be dealt with by a doctor.

I would start off by being very supportive, and perhaps also discussing some of the very well known people who have admitted to suffering from PND (Fern Britton and Brooke Shields spring to mind but I'm sure there are many more), and some of the reasons why it might develop - ie it is a chemical reaction in the body to the sudden fall in progesterone after the birth, and nothing at all to do with any mental strength, strength of character, and has no bearing at all on how good or bad a mother you are. If she is receptive to this, and thinks she may be suffering from PND I would encourage her to see her GP. Maybe you could go with her and look after baby in waiting room while she sees GP. If she isn't receptive but you are still concerned, I would speak to her partner and let him know of your concerns. Together you may be able to persuade her to seek help,or if it is really bad, you can force her to get help if this is in the interests of the baby. I would rather lose a friend because I interfered in this way, rather than lose one to suicide, so if you are really convinced there is a serious risk to your friend or her baby, you may have to make yourself unpopular.

Lastly, bear in mind that being knackered in the mornings, and letting the housework pile up and get on top of you comes with the territory when you have a 9 week old baby (especially one who is a very poor sleeper) and she may not have PND at all. If this is the case, she might appreciate the offer of some help to get by - either babysitting help so she can catch up on sleep or have a night out with her partner, or some help with the day to day stuff - eg some home cooked food to put in freezer for when she really can't get round to cooking, or someone to come round and iron enough shirts to keep her husband going for a week.

mummymania

I agree with Nicki above. I had severe PND following the birth of my 3rd daughter 4 years ago, and actually only came off the anti depressants 18 months ago.

I am now working for the community mental health team and regularly see new mums who are suffering from PND. I think in the first instance you need to see if you can get her GP to see her, preferably in her own home, maybe with the health visitor present. Ask the HV about the EPDS score sheet (measures level of depression).

All due respect to suggestions of getting out into the community but when I had PND a social worker said this to me, made me feel even more worthless and I attempted suicide, because I thought she was judging me as a crap mother. Anyone who has experienced true PND will know that going out is impossible. It was over 2 years before I was going out and about.

Let us know how you get on.
Please feel free to pm me - I am nearly qualified and have loads of access to info about PND.

Una x

fesdufun

Thanks Nicki and mummymania, I totally agree with what you both say. There is reasearch to show the baby massage can help with PND, however like all illnesses people will suffer from in in difference degrees. In severe cases it would may not be appropriate but with proper support it could make all the difference some mums. It can help to release calming hormones, boost self esteem and bonding. It is very difficult to advise without knowing the person but I do know of mums where this has helped.

ALI1973

I found it really hard to accept that I had PND, as the others have said, you feel useless and having always been a "strong" person felt I was failing not only my kids and family but myself, unfortunatley no amount of telling myself to "pull myself together" worked.

May I suggest that you "take control", I was never able to accept "offers" of help but if someone had (only my friends husband ever did, and I will be eternally grateful) come in and just "did" things. ie my friends hubby arrived at my door one morning with his daughter and took DD1 and DD2 (who I might add screamed from birth!, and would only settle if I carried her around - which I did for over a year!) into my garden and would not allow me to go out - he told me that I needed a break and that I was to put my feet up have a cup of tea and read a book!. He did this for over 2 hrs, and altho I felt anxious (DD2 was screaming the whole time) the break he gave me was worth my weight in gold!. If he had asked if he could do this I would have refused. Even now I find it hard to accept "offers" but someone just doing it is different.
Luckily, DH learnt (only after I was diagnosed and had psychiatric help) that I was unable to ask nor accept help and he has helped without request now DD3 is here (he also encouraged friends visiting to "help themselves" and not expect me to wait on them - in a nice way of course!).

Its lovely that you have sought advice to help her, you are obviously a true friend, I wish you and your friend all the best wishes in the world, please reassure her this time will pass.

Love Ali

hollydays

Now back from my visit.My friend has been very up and very down.Is this usual?I expected her to be low all the time but it varies.Cant say too much about it all but she has agreed that she is going to monitor herself and maybe see the doctor.Her partner and at least one of her friends are aware of how she is feeling. I hope she is going to come and stay with me in a week or so.,i am going to fetch her and bring her back,then i will be in a better position to see if she wants more of a break by helping her with the baby, (bottle feeding) so maybe i can let her recuperate a little. Still very worried about her.Also she has lost 2 stone through dieting,but wont see this is not a good time to do this.

kiwichick

Nicki wrote:

Together you may be able to persuade her to seek help,or if it is really bad, you can force her to get help if this is in the interests of the baby. I would rather lose a friend because I interfered in this way, rather than lose one to suicide, so if you are really convinced there is a serious risk to your friend or her baby, you may have to make yourself unpopular.

I did just this with a friend of mine just over 2 years ago. She had told me that she was doing the washing up one day and while holing a carving knife ran it over her wrist thinking about how easy it would be to kill herself. She never told anyone else, not her partner or family and refused blindly that what she was feeling was depression.

Having suffered myself with PND, both before this incident and after, I recognised it for what it was and rang the health visitor immediatly. We spoke candidly and I agreed that she would phone the gp and explain. The gp then phoned my friend on the pretext of a checkup following the birth and my friend went in unsuspectingly.

Long story short, she got the help she so desperately needed, hated me with all her might for about 3 weeks, and now is so thankfull that someone else took the decision to reach for help out of her hands.

jellyhead

i was going to drug myself and the baby (the doctor had given me sedatives for baby and sleeping pills for me, just a few days worth but probably enough) and then set fire to the house with us in it. very difficult to believe nowadays, and i would never have told anyone. i was on my own but luckily the baby's father came for a visit and he took control, taking me to the doctors and talking for me, getting me onto a different antidepressant (i was on seroxat and it didn't suit me at all). i had been referred to the psychiatrist but i refused to answer the phone and when he came round i closed the curtains and hid. i don't think i had actual psychosis (affects one in a thousand), it was bad pnd and the seroxat drug made me lost the plot.

if your friend is talking to you and thinking about visiting then that's a good sign. pnd comes in many shapes and sizes and not everyone plans suicide. in mild cases i do think getting out into the community helps, joining groups where you can chat to other mums while somebody else makes the coffee, etc.

i thought it was drifting in with my recent baby too, who is now 12 months old but a bit of extra sleep while my husband did everything worked wonders so i think it was sleep deprivation. dehydration can also make me a bit odd, busy mums often don't make time for themselves to have a drink etc. and put their own needs on the bottom of the pile. bottle feeding her baby while she has a sleep, and making sure she has a drink every so often could make her feel a lot better. she's lucky to have such a caring friend