I'm pregnant and in shock

AMILLIONDOLLARS

confusedandemotional wrote: »

After a lot of thought on both our parts, my decision is to not continue with the pregnancy.

It was a tough call. Without going into detail, the decision was based on we could've offered to our baby and it's life based on our current and likely future situation financially, practically and mentally. This doesn't mean that we don't feel bad about it and wish that we were in an all round 'healthier' situation.

I also couldn't ignore the fact I've never had any maternal instinct before which was a concern and makes me feel that than a less than ideal situation would have an impact on all of our lives. I personally don't think that's fair on a child and I see that as being more responsible than selfish. However, I appreciate and respect that others may have different opinions.

Thanks again to all of you who have posted in response. x

I'll wait and see, having an abortion is a very very hard thing for a women to do.

Good luck, and all the best
AMD

marywooyeah

It is your decision, but make sure it is truly what you want. My ex boyfriend blackmailed me into an abortion that I didnt want to have then dumped me 2 days later, I have seriously difficulties coping with it over 4 years later. the procedure and waking up afterwards was horrific, and I was treated badly by the staff there, which has left me with severe mental and emotional issues. many women who do not want to do it end up this way, please make sure it is what you actually want. he persuaded me that it was kinder than bringing up a baby with us both on minimum wage and that he would kick me out if i didnt do it.
afterwards I discovered the sure start maternity grant of £500 for things for the baby, that I could have escaped him and moved into a house and claimed housing benefit, statutory maternity allowance (as I was only on an 8hr contract) and the amount of baby things people give you is unbelievable. knowing that I could actually have coped financially (albeit a bit tight) only makes it worse having to live with what I did.
there is a lot of help out there, it strikes me that you dont really want to do this, but feel like its the "kinder" option. I was led to believe that aswell, but it does not have to be so. I really hope you are ok, and the maternal instinct comes at different times for different people, I felt so guilty having a baby a while later that I felt nothing for him until I was 37weeks, now I could not imagine my life without him, and could not even describe the magnitude of love I feel for him. feel free to PM me if you want x

xmaslolly76

Confused I hope all goes well for you its not an easy decission to make. Please make sure you speak to someone impartial before you go ahead. I know That you have thought this through the best way you know how..... and here comes the but....but we women have a very strange way of over riding everything that makes sense on paper with emotion. Also if you go ahead with the termination make sure you have some support afterwards it can be a very difficult thing to go through.

I wish you all the best for the future :-) x

Person_one

confusedandemotional wrote: »

After a lot of thought on both our parts, my decision is to not continue with the pregnancy.

It was a tough call. Without going into detail, the decision was based on we could've offered to our baby and it's life based on our current and likely future situation financially, practically and mentally. This doesn't mean that we don't feel bad about it and wish that we were in an all round 'healthier' situation.

I also couldn't ignore the fact I've never had any maternal instinct before which was a concern and makes me feel that than a less than ideal situation would have an impact on all of our lives. I personally don't think that's fair on a child and I see that as being more responsible than selfish. However, I appreciate and respect that others may have different opinions.

Thanks again to all of you who have posted in response. x

If you have thought everything through and this is truly what you want to do then it will be fine in the long run, even if its a bit tough now.

I think your point about not having any maternal feelings previously is a good one. Coping with a pregnancy and bringing up a child is hard enough when that child is desperately wanted, if there is any ambiguity in how you feel about the situation then I can only imagine that it would be a million times harder.

Don't let anyone make you feel as though you're doing something wrong but equally don't feel as though you can't change your mind if you want to. Of course you need to be aware of where your partner stands so you know what support you can expect etc either way, but when it comes down to it this is entirely for you to decide.

Hugs.

whitewing

I have never had any maternal feelings as such, just a general 'treat others as you would like to be treated yourself'. I've definitely never felt broody.

I have an unplanned DS from an earlier relationship. DD was planned, mainly my decision but my gift to my DH as I knew he'd make a terrific father.

I wouldn't miss either of my children for the world although it has been tough going.

AMILLIONDOLLARS

[FONT=&quot]Picking out some phases in your threads to us, I noted that you said the following:

Yesterday I found out I'm pregnant.

I don't even know if I'd be a good mum. I've never wanted a family but I'm strangely enough I'm not as devastated as I thought I'd be.

bonar - just about to go out, think I'll look at baby books.


confuzzled - It wouldn't be a disaster, I don't mind the change of lifestyle apart from sleep!! The relationship is good and we're both happy, I'm concerned about the strain it can put on the best of relationships. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
I'm a practical kind of gal, I already thought of the childcare issue and I really need to know what OH really thinks! X[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]

Just to clarify for those who were asking, I work as does OH. I have my own place and OH lives with parents, my own don't live too far away. The only debt I have is my mortgage and c.£4700 on credit card [IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/ADMINI%7E1/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/msohtmlclip1/01/clip_image001.gif[/IMG](I negotiated 0% for 15 months on a card I was going to close, v. MSE!) I was hoping to pay within around 18 months but it may have to take a back seat.

If I am to go ahead I think we should live together, I'll need support, and I am really concerned about being depressed as I have suffered before. Actually, I think I'm worried about EVERYTHING but I think that must be only natural...[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Hit the nail on the head there. I am on a giant emotional rollercoaster and the person I need the most at this point in time does not seem to understand the enormity of what lies ahead. He has not made any effort to be with me, give me a hug, discuss options and tell me his own honest opinion.

I am literally in bits about having to make arguably the hardest decision I'll have to make in my life on my own. It could well be the sign of things to come and whatever I decide I fear I'll either be left holding the baby or have to live with the guilt of a termination alone.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]

Myself and OH are going to have a talk about it tomorrow, he has said that he has been thinking of all the factors in the meantime and is certainly not leaving it to me and so we'll come to a decision together.

I think maybe having a few days for him to 'sleep on it' has maybe helped him to come to terms with the news and consider the options/plans for the way forward. I never think it's good to make decisions hastily, and so for the moment I think I need to give him the benefit of the doubt.

After a lot of thought on both our parts, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]my[/FONT][FONT=&quot] decision[/FONT][FONT=&quot] is to not continue with the pregnancy.

It was a tough call. Without going into detail, the decision was based on we could've offered to our baby and it's life based on our current and likely future situation financially, practically and mentally. This doesn't mean that we don't feel bad about it and wish that we were in an all round 'healthier' situation.

I also couldn't ignore the fact I've never had any maternal instinct before (Rubbish - what was all the above about!) which was a concern and makes me feel that than a less than ideal situation would have an impact on all of our lives. I personally don't think that's fair on a child and I see that as being more responsible than selfish. However, I appreciate and respect that others may have different opinions.

[/FONT]
I fear that this particular statement will be your final state of affairs
[FONT=&quot]I'll either be left holding the baby or have to live with the guilt of a termination alone[/FONT]


AMD

Pollycat

AMILLIONDOLLARS wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]I also couldn't ignore the fact I've never had any maternal instinct before (Rubbish - what was all the above about!) which was a concern and makes me feel that than a less than ideal situation would have an impact on all of our lives. I personally don't think that's fair on a child and I see that as being more responsible than selfish. However, I appreciate and respect that others may have different opinions.[/FONT]


I fear that this particular statement will be your final state of affairs
[FONT=&quot]I'll either be left holding the baby or have to live with the guilt of a termination alone[/FONT]


AMD

Re the first quote - I think the OP was referring to BEFORE she found out she was pregnant.

Re the second quote - I don't know about anybody else but that reads a bit harsh to me.
The OP (who was posting under another user name than usual) came back to let those people know who'd commented on her situation what she and her partner had decided - it was their decision to make and nobody other than those two people know the full ins and outs.
Nobody knows how supportive her partner has been, so for you to say she will bear the guilt of the termination alone is (imho) not a very nice thing to write.

AMILLIONDOLLARS

Polly

If you read through her posts, you will find that she said these things first. I only highlighted her statement.

Also highlighting her statements about, [FONT=&quot] strangely enough I'm not as devastated as I thought, I'd be, she'd be[/FONT] able to cope, buying a baby book, not minding the sleepless nights, these thoughts do not indicate to a person who is not very maternal, it points to the very opposite.

AMD

Pollycat

OK, I apologise for attributing a comment to you that was actually made by the OP.

However, I personally still feel that your post was unneccesarily harsh in what must be a very difficult time for the OP and quite probably her partner too.

I can't see anywhere in the OP's last post that indicates that she is likely to:

have to live with the guilt of a termination alone

and I sincerely hope that that is not the case.

confusedandemotional wrote: »

After a lot of thought on both our parts, my decision is to not continue with the pregnancy.

It was a tough call. Without going into detail, the decision was based on we could've offered to our baby and it's life based on our current and likely future situation financially, practically and mentally. This doesn't mean that we don't feel bad about it and wish that we were in an all round 'healthier' situation.

I also couldn't ignore the fact I've never had any maternal instinct before which was a concern and makes me feel that than a less than ideal situation would have an impact on all of our lives. I personally don't think that's fair on a child and I see that as being more responsible than selfish. However, I appreciate and respect that others may have different opinions.

Thanks again to all of you who have posted in response. x

AMILLIONDOLLARS

Polly here's the phrase, Page 2, see second paragraph.

confusedandemotional wrote: »

Hit the nail on the head there. I am on a giant emotional rollercoaster and the person I need the most at this point in time does not seem to understand the enormity of what lies ahead. He has not made any effort to be with me, give me a hug, discuss options and tell me his own honest opinion.

I am literally in bits about having to make arguably the hardest decision I'll have to make in my life on my own. It could well be the sign of things to come and whatever I decide I fear I'll either be left holding the baby or have to live with the guilt of a termination alone.

And thinking about it more, I'd rather be harsh with her now, if it would prevent her doing something that she later regrets, we tend sometimes to pat someone on the back with there there, everything will be alright, or soft peddle, when in fact we should be straight with people asking advice, Its hard but I feel they will appreciate a person's frankness in the long run.
AMD