MIL cant afford to eat bit of a rant...

dizziblonde

I'd like to thank moromir for putting the other face of the "all games are evil" argument across much more eloquently than I could have hoped to do.

MMORPGs are addictive - if you're the kind of person who'd get addicted to something anyway and most of them have made steps to heavily reduce the long-time content in favour of shorter, smaller group instances/raids/dungeons - call them what you will. Not all who play them are social outcasts, gibbering at the keyboard for their next fix - I've played the same one for over 5 years - basically it replaces my TV viewing on an evening as wind-down time - lots of people function similarly with them, it's people who are already pre-disposed to problems that lose perspective on the real world.

I think the problems really come if you end up falling in with an American crowd (in many ways WoW is one of the better ones for that with regional servers) and have to do things on a difficult timezone... it doesn't sound like that's this guy's problem to be honest (if he's flicking between games it doesn't sound like addiction - just male obsesive being plugged into anything electronic) - he's just onto a cushy number, knows he can get his own way because of his size (I know being met with a physical "wall" of bloke can be intimidating - my husband has to duck to get through doors and people do tend to look at him and move away when we're out - and he's as gentle a giant as you'd ever get) - and I wonder how much mum secretly does still like having her "baby" at home to be honest. Basically you've got a brick wall of bloke still doing the Kevin the ASBO-level-Teenager routine.

I don't know how much you're going to be able to help without mum WANTING to be helped to be honest. You could pass her onto social services, GPs would have ideas of places to refer to, I'm guessing domestic violence organizations might be supportive too - but that does require her being prepared to take the first step - not confronting him as such, but just being prepared to stand up and say, "look I need some help here."

Until then - all you can actually do is to make sure she's got stuff to eat, and make sure she's aware that you're there as a source of help if/when she does decide enough is enough - perhaps give her something like a PAYG mobile she can keep to hand that he doesn't know about in case he does have a flipout moment, make sure she's got a room in the house that's safe she can go to in case she has to call help in, and make sure she knows she can always come land on you at any time if she decides she needs to.... if you go around there wirecutters in hand (not that I'd recommend wirecutting through an electrical cable but you get the idea) - that's just going to stir up a hornets' nest, provoke him and she's very likely to end up jumping in to defend him and placate him.

You're more than likely going to have to help from arm's length on this one. Maybe have a designated girlie coffee and cake afternoon on a weekend, or family meal out evening (local restaurant happy hours and stuff cost much less than a takeaway pizza around here) so you know she's got a good meal inside her but it's not overtly "meddling" if you see what I mean?

tara747

lauren, your poor poor MIL , I feel so upset thinking about her. God help the poor woman. I agree, your OH needs to sort his brother out and fast.

You sound like a very kind and decent person and I hope you can make your OH see sense. Keep us posted.

Hugs and best wishes to you and your MIL.

kitty_cat_2

margaretclare wrote: »

There used to be more mums around like this. In fact, time was, the majority of mums were like this - and dads too. Paying all the outgoings on a house has not got any cheaper over the years, quite the reverse. So why do healthy young adults who are not in education or employment, imagine that they can live for free?

It wasn't known in my generation. You left school, you got a job.

This is a person who speaks a lot of sense :j

CAFCGirl

I've read this with a lot of interest, and can say I agree with a lot of what has been said already.

BiL wont suddenly change because he has no reason to. He sees zero consequences of his actions and has been allowed to continue selfish behaviour for many a year I imagine (just with different particulars.)

I do think a lot of people are right, it is up to your MiL to really address the situation but by the sounds of it she is down trodden to the point of not even being able to care properly for herself.

I'm quite firm in the belief that she shouldn't have to buy in for a few days at a time to avoid him eating her out of house and home, nor should she have to buy "from scratch" ingredients, but that is based on her becoming strong enough to stand up for herself.
If she doesnt, then she will have to accept that this is what er life has become and deal with the consequences.

I think your DH should be doing a lot more to support his mum, but only after sitting down and having a full and frank conversation with her about the whole situation.

She CANNOT continue to steal food from work to feed herself. Its theft (regardless of circumstance), and she will face instant dismissal, affecting all future employment and make her situation much worse.
She CANNOT continue to work for 7 days straight without any rest days.
She CANNOT continue to pander to your BiL because life was hard as when he was kid.
So his Dad left and it was hard, I appreciate that was hard for all involved but how is it that your DH hasnt turned out the same way, if they had the same childhood?

In short, we've all told you what your MiL needs to do.
She needs to face facts, accept the situation, warts and all, and get off her backside and change it. I know that sounds harsh but you can't do it for her.

You cant keep sending her food packages just to make sure she's eating enough! Although I appreciate why you're doing it.

Get her to come and stay at your house for a week or two, find online some events that you can take her to to help build her confidence, see if you can get a visit with an interventionist, who is a neutral third party to all involved. Have her write a list of what she wants to have happen in the next 6 months, what needs to be done to achieve that, and who is responsible for it. She then needs to write her son a letter, honest and truthful about what has happened, and what will now happen.

Then your DH needs to take her home, cut all the internet connections, clear all the kitchen cupboards, and be ready with a locksmith.
When BiL wants food, give him £5 to go round to shop to buy some basics, whilst he is out, change the locks, and bag up his belongings. When he comes back, you take him to a B&B, book him in for two nights. You give him the food he bought at the shop and the letter from his mum.

He is then presented with a choice, shape up or ship out.

!!!!! footing around him, and trying nicely nicely quite clearly from your posts hasnt worked with him, so its time for tough love.

If he chooses to rot in the gutter, then that was his choice! And your MiL then rents out his room to a lodger....

ceridwen

What CAFCGirl says sounds like apossible way forward in this. She has even come up with a possible way to get his fat !!! out of the house for a while to change the locks - hopefully the shops are far enough away that the job could be done in that time....

Basically - maybe at some level she still cares for him a bit (ie because he is her son) and yep "tough love" is a good phrase to use to her then if that is the case. If she doesnt do something somehow now to get through to him then he is likely to spend the rest of his life "in a pit" of his own making and could end up being one of those people that just stays put inside his front door for the rest of his life and then has got to such a size that (come the end) he has to be winched out the door with a crane. What a (horrible) life that would be. I am always astonished by those people one reads about that literally dont go out the door for years at a time - and yet they still eat/have the bills and food they use paid for. Someone somewhere is enabling them to live like that. No-one - left to themselves - could manage to just stay indoors constantly. They simply wouldnt get any money from anyone to pay for anything - no salary or wage/no benefit/nothing and the situation literally couldnt continue for long ....

"Fat lump" is going to have to fend for himself when MIL is no longer around in time to come - so it's about time he got in some practice.

Margaret54

Hi Lauren You sound like a lovely caring daughter in law and I have read all the posts on here, some very sensible advice too. I can understand that your MIL if not eating properly and is so worn down with it all, must have very little strength in herself to change things. I am sending you both lots of hugs and hope things improve very soon.xx Margaret

jonty1970

What a hard life the poor woman has!

My grandmother had an abusive daughter who treated her like muck.
My mum did everything she could to help her mum (my gran) She hated her sister for being like that to her-
(the sister/daughter was spoilt rotten. She used to have tantrums and my poor gran couldn't stand up to her, once my grandad had passed away)
My gran's daughter lived with her on and off (ususally she got thrown out of her council flats, as she never paid bills or kept them tidy)
My mum used to pay my gran's bills sometimes. Take food round. Buy her nice things, like new slippers or warm dressing gowns,, only to find out the sister had eaten it or was wearing it!

It only ended when my gran was taken into hospital and then to a care home. The daughter was banned from the home, because she kept trying to move into my gran's room! She was so spoilt I suppose, she couldn't survive without her mum!

It's easy for people to say - turn off the internet and don't buy food. This poor woman has to deal with the tantrums afterwards!
Only some drastic help, long term, will change anything!

Can the young man really be thrown out on the street, with no support or money? I don't feel sorry for him, but he needs to have a place of his own and his own money and be shown how to manage. He has had his mum to help him all this time and only has to say jump and she says "How High"

And from my own experiance with my gran, she will only change and do something, if she really wants to.

I've seen my gran say one thing to my mum (like accepting a place in sheltered housing) and then throw it all back in her face!