MIL cant afford to eat bit of a rant...

paulwf

As the brother is 19 I suppose the situation has been allowed to drift as it has only become an issue in the last year or two. It certainly needs addressing as it sounds like the brother has no incentive to change the situation.

Your OH can provide support but at the end of the day it is up to your MIL to decide how she wants to proceed. She may not want to be living on her own or move to a different area for example.

I would take her out for lunch or get her to visit you for a weekend or longer for a holiday so that you can all get together and work on a strategy to sort out the brother. At the very least the brother should be made to pay the going rate for rent which is around £80 a week (including bills but excluding food which he should buy himself). As he can't afford that on JSA he has the option to get out of the house and get a job or move out and let the council deal with him. If you don't do something nothing will change in 5 years time.

paulwf

laurenjs88 wrote: »

One time I got a chair out to reach up to the fuse box to turn off the electric whilst his mum was at work and my OH rugby tackled me off it...Telling me i couldnt do it as me !!!!ing him off isnt worth the grief his mum would get when she got home.

I would quite happily "have a few choice words" with him, but I think I would upset so much of the rest of their family who think he'll eventually just get better if they are gentle with him, that i'd make it worse.

At 19 he is an adult and the MIL is obviously an adult so I think you all need to have a conversation first...your plan of cutting off the electric should only be used as a last resort if all else fails, he isn't a kid any more.

What good is a row going to do unless you have a goal and some plan to get there? Telling him to get off his backside won't do anything unless he realises that he has to start paying rent and that in turn means getting a job. Even if he seriously starts looking for a job he will probably remain unemployed so what is your plan then?

laurenjs88

paulwf wrote: »

As the brother is 19 I suppose the situation has been allowed to drift as it has only become an issue in the last year or two. - unfortunatly not, this has been going on since he was 13/14 when he started refusing to go to school. One on occasion my OH did manage to throw him outside in his pants & a t-shirt & lob his school bag & uniform outside, but he just sat on the front step untill school was finished & his mum let him back in. It certainly needs addressing as it sounds like the brother has no incentive to change the situation.

Your OH can provide support but at the end of the day it is up to your MIL to decide how she wants to proceed. She may not want to be living on her own or move to a different area for example. - I know she doesnt want to move, or to kick him out, It's just wishful thinking on my part. I can get her a much better paid job where I work.

I would take her out for lunch or get her to visit you for a weekend or longer for a holiday so that you can all get together and work on a strategy to sort out the brother. At the very least the brother should be made to pay the going rate for rent which is around £80 a week (including bills but excluding food which he should buy himself). As he can't afford that on JSA he has the option to get out of the house and get a job or move out and let the council deal with him. If you don't do something nothing will change in 5 years time. - Son wont leave the house, absolutley no chance of getting him to the jobcentre! I think his Mum makes the situation so much worse, as she is too much of a mum to him, To me it looks like she treats him like an infant, and surprise surprise he acts like one.

Will see when she is next off work and try to get her to come and stay.

BitterAndTwisted

At the very least, if he's claiming JSA and the OP hasn't said so one way or the other, he should be handing over every penny to his mother bar the bus-fare to the JobCentre every fortnight. She needs to ask him for it or there will be no food bought. I quite like the idea of a secret food-stash and fridge in her locked bedroom.

ETA: He's got social-interaction problems aside from his addiction to this WOW thing, hasn't he?

laurenjs88

paulwf wrote: »

What good is a row going to do unless you have a goal and some plan to get there? Telling him to get off his backside won't do anything unless he realises that he has to start paying rent and that in turn means getting a job. Even if he seriously starts looking for a job he will probably remain unemployed so what is your plan then?

My plan in all honesty would be to try and convince MIL to get Adult Social Services involved & their GP involved, He's seen counsellors on and off growing up but refuses to now. He wont go to the doctor but his doctor does come to him occassionally.

Nobody in the family has taken any action on his behalf, yet they all say (fil,oh & mil) that he needs help?

OH just doesnt know what to do & doesnt think its his place, MIL is to scared & thinks she's failing as a parent & FIL i believe worries how it reflects on him for up and leaving the kids & doesnt want this to turn out to be partly his fault.

Redman30

laurenjs88 wrote: »

Do the people at WOW & other MPG not have some kind of social responsibility for people becomming addicted to thier games? I know there is some guidlines for gambling. Their really should be something for this kind of thing.

It's addictive to a certain type of person, much like alcohol or illegal drugs, or at the other end of the scale exercise can be. I played MMORPG's (massive multiplayer online role playing games) for a while, but they got dull fast for me. Some people have them as an escape from a rather unpleasant existence, lack of social group, self worth etc. Every time you log into the game you agree to a user agreement with recommendations about how long you should play (amongst other things) etc, you just click through it of course. Millions of people play this game with no issues at all just for fun, I think WOW still has 10 million subscribers a month worldwide or somethng.

Some of the 'raids' are massively complicated and need 40 people doing exactly the right things in the right order for several hours. Too much like hard work if you ask me, but that's where the feeling of belonging, and being needed comes from, and that's golden to those isolated from a peer group. In time, this addiction will likely burn out, but that can take a long time. I'm not sure what to recommend, as even suggesting a break from the game for any time period (even an hour or two) will likely generate a tantrum.

It might be worth a google around for WOW addicts tales, see if there's anything that strikes a chord or looks promising - it's pretty common. This is the root cause, wake him up from this, get him back into real life (RL in wow speak, hehe) and he'll be a lot happier apart from anything else.

Mupette

There are guidelines for playing wow if you are a kid,

the whole family used to play, and i could use parental controls on my sons which shut his game down.

But i can't see any of your family trying to enforce that.

I'd seriously consider what someone has suggested, get a key meter installed, leave £5.00 on it and get MIL to stay with you for a fortnight and confiscate her mobile if she has one, so when he starts ringing to say no electric, no food, she won't know. leave all the out of date food there (see how he likes it) oh and perhaps one supermarket delivery of bubble bath and toothpaste lol

laurenjs88

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

At the very least, if he's claiming JSA and the OP hasn't said so one way or the other, Hes not claiming Jobseekers, he has no income and is paying for his subscription through the money he's saved from bdays & christmas's growing up and what he gets now

ETA: He's got social-interaction problems aside from his addiction to this WOW thing, hasn't he?

Yes he does. I think apart from his laziness their is an underlying problem. The only thing ive ever heard about him being why he is is something to do with being bullied for his size at high school.

jamespir

my freind should write a book called " world of warcraft wrecked my marriage" if theres not already one because his missus got cheesed of with him sitting in front of it all the time

blue-bells_2

First of all, bless you. What a lovely daughter-in-law you are! :A

You obviously really care about your MIL, and obviously your DH does as well, but he really needs to do something about this. Your MIL needs someone to help her stand up to her son who is walking all over her. I do think it is your DH's place to say something, as well as his father and any other siblings- I certainly would if it was my brother.