Stepdad turning nasty after Mum's death.

BitterAndTwisted

Unfortunately, believing something does not make it a fact. If the OP reports him for benefit fraud, he will definitely know where the accusation came from. And it would be a petty and vindictive thing to do. All for the sake of a food-processor and no share in a paltry eight grand. Not a very edifying thought.

valos_mummy

It doesn't make it a fact, no. That would be up for investigation by the authorities. A lot of money is claimed by people who don't need it, don't really qualify for it, and are denying someone who is in genuine need. I have no qualms in paying taxes that will go towards benefits for someone who truly needs to have support. But for people on the scrounge.....?

If the OP strongly and genuinely suspects that he is claiming what he shouldn't be, should she let him carry on with it because she doesn't want to be seen as "petty"?

Primrose

I am sorry for your mother's death. It must be a difficult time for you.
Sadly if your mother did not leave a Will, there is nothing you can do as your stepfather as her husband, even if they were unhappily married is her legal next-to-kin. I hope that at least in memory of your mother you will ensure that you have made your own Will, so that her mistake is not perpetuated. Life can catch us all unprepared, and the policy of "Manana" is not a wise one when it comes to putting your personal affairs in order, if only for the sake of the loved ones you leave behind.

If your stepfather will not even acknowledge his own daughter (your stepsister) there seems to be very little you can do to persuade him to change his mind.
Hard though it may seem, the sensible thing to do, if he will not recognise you in any way is to put the situation behind you, move on, and if necessary, exclude him from your future life so that he can do no further emotional damage to you.

fabforty

You really do have my condolences. However, bottom line is that your mum was married to this man for 40 years - and unless he spent those years sitting around the house not working, not paying bills and making absolutely no contribution to the household whatsoever, then it is fair to assume that the house and it's contents belonged to him and your mum jointly - even the kitchen equipment that he may or may not use. Imagine if the roles were reversed. If your step-dad had died and his children decided that your mum should handover money, possesions etc that she had helped to accumulate over the past 40 years - even if that had been his wish. You would be angry and understandably so. Even when you refer to your mum's money - as a couple married for 40 years, surely this must be 'their ' money not his or hers. As for his children, the fact that their parents were married only briefly and that they did not get on with your mum, is largely irrelevant. They are still his children and no more or less entitled to anything than your sister and you (assuming he adopted you) are. Even though your mum said that she wanted these things to go to you, they weren't really hers to give. I know that you believe that your mum was unhappy and intended to leave him but tbh she sounds like a strong woman who knew her own mind. if she really wanted to leave him, I suspect that she would have done so. I don't mean to sound harsh, and obviously I don't know everything that went on in their relationship, but neither do you and the fact is they stayed together for 40 years, which suggests that they had something. I understand that you are grieving at the loss of your mum, but he must also be grieving. TBH if my partner of 40 years had just died and the children that we had raised (including one who wasn't biologically mine) started quibbling over his (i.e. my) valuables and property, I would probably be pretty !!!!ed off as well.

As I said before, I don't want to sound harsh and I'm not trying to upset you (I suspect that I probably have - sorry), and your stepdad may well be a total b*****d, I just wanted to offer an alternative view. If he is the complete toerag that you say he is, then the best thing is to leave him to himself and get on with your life. Don't waste time being bitter or seeking payback.

meritaten

I suspect that its not the money as much as her mum didnt even think to leave anything to her - and her stepdad is being a complete arrrsssehole. she knows her mother wasnt happy but also knows her mum couldnt leave. and its not the offer of shoes and clothes - she wants more personal items. which she knows is going to go to stepdad - like presents she gave mum etc. I know how that feels. my mum is currently going through something like that - and all she wants is a picture which was made by me for her sister and is tbh worthless and they are insisting on putting in house contents! why? just to be contrary.

Oldernotwiser

meritaten wrote: »

she wants more personal items. which she knows is going to go to stepdad - .

Are breadmakers and yogurt makers particularly personal items?

As has been said before, they aren't "going to" stepfather, they are the jointly owned household items of a long married couple.

My sympathies are all with the bereaved husband.

fabforty

meritaten wrote: »

I suspect that its not the money as much as her mum didnt even think to leave anything to her - and her stepdad is being a complete arrrsssehole. she knows her mother wasnt happy but also knows her mum couldnt leave. and its not the offer of shoes and clothes - she wants more personal items. which she knows is going to go to stepdad - like presents she gave mum etc. I know how that feels. my mum is currently going through something like that - and all she wants is a picture which was made by me for her sister and is tbh worthless and they are insisting on putting in house contents! why? just to be contrary.

Okay, but there is nothing to suggest that her mum 'couldn't' leave him and OP says nothing about just wanting presents that she gave to her mother.
It just feels as if everybody is skimming over one very important fact - they were married and living together as man and wife for 40 years. Regardless of what OP believes or even what her mum told her, to me this speaks volumes.
The fact remains that the items and money that OP mentions did not belong to her mum, they belonged to her mum and stepfather. As a pensioner he would be stupid to hand over cash and valuables that they had accumulated over the years - he could live for another 25 years; the house may be mortgage free but he still has to eat, pay bills, council tax, possibly carer fees (especially if his childen are estranged). I also give him some credit for being a step parent - the hardest job in the world is not raising children, it is raising somebodyelse's children.

Perhaps his behaviour is a little off at the moment, but having lost his wife of 40 years (whether the marriage was a particulary happy one or not), he is entitled to act a little crazy. Dsmissing him as an arrrsssehole is to easy.

BitterAndTwisted

valos_mummy wrote: »

If the OP strongly and genuinely suspects that he is claiming (benefits) which he shouldn't be, should she let him carry on with it because she doesn't want to be seen as "petty"?

She won't just be seen as petty, she will be petty in the extreme. And vindictive as well. Not very attractive qualities at all. Sometimes it's better to be dignified and withdraw from an unfavourable situation without descending to the morals of the farmyard.

seven-day-weekend

My husband and I have also slept in separate beds for years because our sleep patterns are so different and I suffer from Restless Legs Syndrome. Doesn't mean our marriage is over! .


To the OP, I'm sorry about your mum's death. However I would certainly not get all bitter and twisted about a yoghurt maker. This man was married to your mum for over forty years, she must have thought he was doing something right. She did not make a will (after having had forty years to make one), and therefore under the rules of intestacy her estate passes to her next of kin, her husband of forty years.

I would not do anything other than be polite to your stepfather for your mother's sake and forget about the coffee maker and blender. Even if he doesn't use them he has no obligation whatsoever to give them to you.

How about supporting him through his bereavement?

Bufger

no will = next of kin gets everything, as thats him i would expect nothing.

I would wish him well for the rest of his life and have absolutely no contact with him ever again. Bitter old fools like that always regret it in the end, when he's alone on his deathbed he'll all of a sudden wish he was a little nicer to everyone.

Also dont accept contact or apologies, if he contacts you and apologises its more than likely because he's lonely and didnt realise how much your contact meant to him, by coming back after realising that it makes it an entirely selfish act.