engaged - other people's reactions

iamana1ias

Raquelle wrote: »

I promise I'm not just a bridezilla in the making!

I'm not so sure! Not much "we" in your thinking, is there?

Raquelle wrote: »

Now I am a super-sensitive person and I feel like getting engaged is a very emotional thing so I might be highly strung and getting all fragile about this.

Raquelle wrote: »

Also I feel like I am doing what I want with my life so I should just get on with it and give them the time to accept my news and deal with it! and be happy for me.....
One part of me hates fuss anyway. The other part feels like this is my moment and I would really like everyone's suppport and them to share my happiness.

Raquelle wrote: »

I'm at the centre of the affair for once!

Raquelle wrote: »

By the way, the majority of my friends are thrilled for me and their responses have been really touching.
But it's not in my nature to just say Screw them, I want my day in the sun. I guess I want everyone to be as happy as me.

iamana1ias

Raquelle wrote: »

it just felt like people who knew me less well were quick to text, phone etc. and that made my closer family and friends' reactions seem a bit cold,

How did you announce it? Facebook? :eek:

Steel_2

I'm sorry your family don't seem to be one who can genuinely be happy for you. Are they this way about everything you do or achieve? If it is a pattern I would simply ignore them - they're probably worrying that their lives will change once you are married, or perhaps they have a poor experiences of marriage and can't see past that. If they seem to have accepted your BF and are only now showing dismay, perhaps there is something that needs a closer look. It may be they see something you don't or are unwilling to see. Alternatively, it may be they are being a*seholes because they have their own experience and perceptions of marriage they're projecting onto you. Or maybe your role in the family is not in the limelight - perhaps your siblings have always been in it for whatever reason and you've always stood in the background.

When I told my family I'd got engaged, my mother said just said: "Oh" and passed me over to father. My father was so quick to tell me I was making a mistake and that marriage and children ruin your life. He was gasping for breath by the time he's finished his ranting. Unsurprisingly, they have a dreadfully unhappy abusive marriage. They also thought BF was fine as a BF but wasn't husband material as - shock horror - he's a postman! As you can tell, they're also major snobs.

Hubby's parents were delighted, over the moon. Lots of hugs and squeals and phonecalls. Told me they'd always wanted a daughter but never had one. They have a truly delightful marriage. After 50 years they still hold hands everywhere they go and declare each other to have been the best thing that ever happened to one another. My sister was genuinely happy for me, as was his brother and SIL.

My best mate was happy - and then her card turned up which she insists was meant to be funny. It was a single women, sitting on a bean bag alone at a party saying: "Oh great. You're engaged. Why don't I just throw myself off a bridge right now." I would have preferred a simple congratulations card. I'm willing to believe it was just a daft choice of card she thought I would find funny. After my parents reaction I was a bit sensitive and did not, but to be fair I hadn't told her about my parents reaction so she wasn't to know.

Gingham_Ribbon

My MIL was so surprised that she didn't say a thing - she just went off and brought a photo album for us to look at to change the subject. But once she'd had a little while to think about it, she was delighted and has been the best MIL I could have wished for.

Some people barely mentioned it, some were really excited and wanted to talk about it more than I did!

If you're worried about anyone's reaction, the only way to deal with it is to ask outright and hope they give you a truthful answer. It may be your expectations are a bit high or it may be they have reservations you don't know about - it may even be that they're just not surprised because they've been expecting it for a while. Just talk to them.

Congratulations!

Raquelle

Thanks again, I (oh, sorry, I mean WE!) am grateful for all the answers on here. No, it wasn't on facebook by the way.
I feel much better today, the dust has settled and my mum has suggested we all go out for a meal tonight, so happy days. It has been interesting to read that many of you have had similar experiences with mixed reactions according to the age/person/family.

shellsuit

My parents were really happy for us when we got engaged, we got a card from my Dad and that was it. (My Mum and Dad divorced years ago)

OH's parents...erm, the world only revolves around them, so us getting engaged isn't important at all.

My Mum came with us to see the venue, and my Dad is trying to pretend it's not happening because he is sooooooo nervous about giving me away, bless him lol!

Make-it-3

You will get a variety of reactions to your news - this is only natural - as everyone has their own take on what you are doing. Some think marriage is nothing to make a fuss about, some maybe surprised, some underwhelmed, some may not like your choice, some maybe jealous, some will go into wedding fever mode.

I had "about time" said, single friends going all moody, people you barely know assuming they are invited to the wedding. It brings out the best and worst in people. Just enjoy the "bubble" you are currently experiencing and give others time to settle down again.

Glen0000

shellsuit wrote: »

I didn't realise there was a time limit on when people HAD to do things, such as live together, get engaged, get married and have children etc...???

It's nice to see a couple taking things slowly and not rushing into everything just because others expect them to!

Maybe they want to get married, then move in together, then have children ~ you know, like couples used to, when they had a lot more respect for each other and didn't want everything yesterday!

Yes it is nice to think about things, but this lady is 33. If she wanst kids, she really needs to move things along or else it may be too late. We have waited till mid 30s to have our 2nd child (large gap) and already finding that it already may be too late

screamer

Yay lotus-eater, I love the Levellers too! There probably isn't a better way to sum up this whole situation than that line!

I'm almost 32, and OH and I are getting engaged soon (I keep saying soon because I don't know when he'll decide to pay the CC off. When that's done is when the ring pops out)

My dad will be thrilled, his mum and dad will want to make it special but my sister will hate the idea because she's been engaged to the same man for 10 years and he won't marry her (not a good sign if you ask me. She didn't ask but I told her anyway, now she won't talk to me)

We're not expecting presents, we're not having a party (OH asked me if people actually have engagement parties, it was news to him) but if I was your friend, I'd be there alongside you, cooing at your ring and dragging you to the local newsagents for all their latest bridal magazine :-) That's just me though, I'm loved up myself!

Others are right though when they say maybe your friends and relatives know something you don't. I despise my sister's boyfriend and so do my parents. His parents don't like my sister but in all the years they've been together, she's got pregnant twice behind his back. They're in a mountain of debt and they've nearly spilt several times because neither of them seem to want to be faithful to each other!

I personally hope they never get married, but they are 2 completely different people, and the fact that you don't live together means that maybe you are now taking an extra step towards committing to each other.

I wish you all the best but in my opinion, engagement is only special to the people getting engaged, it's the wedding that your friends and family will be thinking about now!! Don't take it personally, it's just how things are nowadays!!

Good luck and congratulations to you both. Pics of ring please :-)

honeypop

Just out of curiosity OP, if the way you announced it meant people were ringing and texting you to congratulate you, how did you announce it?

I assumed from what you wrote that you didn't personally get in touch with the people you wanted to inform and tell them in person (whether face to face or by phone), but am interested to know how you did it as that may have had a bearing on the way people got back to you (or not) about the news.