Learn to control money but do not allow it to control you

ani_26

Fw. Techically we are all in control of our own destiny. However, there are some times when we may need a helping hand.

If you can't rely on family, then who can you rely on? This, of course, depends on families. But if your conscience / instincts tell you so, this is for you to decide the extent to which it would compromise yourself, and your own family.

thriftyscotslass

Marru - I have exactly the same dream. I am always late for a train, boat or plane and am packing cases and cases and cases and yet more cases for the family. Another common dream is one where I cannot walk and everyone is overtaking me. Came to the same conclusions as you - feeling stuck and weighed down by too much stuff.

FW - I hope you don't think this is out of order - are you taking on too much responsibility? Your sister, like your oh, ds1 and ds2, is an adult. You cannot do it all - nor should you expect yourself to do it all, so stop picking up the responsibility.

It may be worth investigating the different roles in family systems - it seems to me as if you are assuming the role of sole family caretaker / family hero. Take care you don't burn yourself out. I apologise if this has overstepped the mark in any way, Thriftyxxx

NorthernLas

FW : When I changed my work schedule (i.e. I stopped ), I found it very strange. I was able to do whatever I wanted, but I was paralysed by not beinng sure exactly what to do and worried that I would not do enough and waste the precious time that I had made available to myself ... I think the most difficult part was not having a structure and a need to be anywhere at a specific time. I think I ate much more because I was feeling nervous about lots of stuff (this was a distraction tactic) and within 3 months was the heaviest I have ever been.

I am sure that being an academic, you are used to working alone at home, but does a sabbatical means no going to the office, no students to look after, no colleagues to have a cuppa with? If you have done your planning, could you just start to do?

What I know about weight, the more you worry and focus on it, the more it stays around ... so get moving for the sheer enjoyment - run, zumba, swim, manic hoovering etc.

You could also look at how you overeat, since there will always be stresses that you may support yourself through with food, the HOW is something you can control (note: you can overeat on carrots just the same as chocolate or whatever your comfort food of choice is). Though it would be good if you could approach it as a fun experiment rather than something else to stress over!

Firewalker

Hi you woderful people! Thanks for all your posts and sharing your dreams/nightmares. What is this about repeated dreams, though? I have a dream like that and have never managed to find out what does it mean (if anything).

Thrifty, not overstepping at all - in fact you reminded me of something. Part of my family comes from the Bulgarian part of Macedonia (believe it or not it used to be a geographical area which caused loads of political problems at different time in history). Being a poor mountainous area the rules of collective life are very similar to these in southern Italy - survival is ensured by living in close family groups, there is a leader of the family (there responsibility is to make sure the family is looked after and survives) but it is not called a 'godfather' but 'voevoda'. Women can be the 'voevoda' of the family - my auntie was; and I was always raised to be. So, you are right - I am probably seeing myself a bit like the leader and hero of the family and this is not surprising. This is what I was raised for - assuming an archeich (sp) structures. Structures gone - I will have to assume a different role.

NL, I am actually losing weight at the moment and if anything I am smaller than we met. The thing is that I am still heavy for a long distance runner. Also I am using an app on my phone to trace the intake and expenditure of callories - if anything I am under-eating (and eating slightly of balance; need to increase the protein and reduce the carbs). My trainer is right - for years he has been saying that I should eat more to lose weight - but eat differently. No overeating here...and about 25 miles a week running at the moment (this is without the walking and the weights, cycling etc.). This is what made the dream funny - I think the key was not the age and the weight - the key was 'you really need help' (the rest can be just paraphrasing a rap song).

Off to bed for me now - tomorrow up at six to do some writing (academic writing but has to be done; I have a job after all and the sabbatical is just a way to be out of the organisation).

Sleep well
Firewalker

Triciaxx

I have a friend from your neck of the woods and she has the same problems as she feels responsible for the family. She still feels that she was 'raised to be' responsible.

We have another friend from 'Southern Italy' - the island right down at the toe of the boot. He (note this is a HE not a she!) feels the same.

Both have struggled with the fact that they have family commitments in this country. Now, which takes precedence? That could well be your dilemma and is not an easy one to decide.

As far as dreams go, I'm useless as I hardly ever remember mine.:D

I'll certainly echo Northern Lass in finding it difficult to adjust to not 'working'. It took me a while to realise that my self image was tied up in my work persona. 3 years on, I still have problems with that.

gilligansyle

FW - you definitely need to step back from the expectations of your culture. Does your sister expect you to look after her? Probably not, but your youngest son definitely does. This is probably why you get so wound up about your older sons, the need to be responsible for them. They are adults and responsible for themselves now.
Your focus has now changed, and although you are prepared for that in some ways, in others you are not yet ready to make the move.
These cultural issues are more ingrained in us than we like to think, a friend of mine is fighting what is probably a losing battle against having her in laws to live with them, because she married the eldest son!

Memory_Girl

My recurring dream is of walking through a new house I have just bought and finding all sorts of new rooms that I knew nothing about ........................... I am slowly concluding that this is about not using parts of myself and hiding away.

Family expectations are a b****r, aren't they?

In my first family (Mum divorced them when I was 9) I was raised in the "you're not important, you are only here to look after a man, you have no other use"

In my second family (at home with Stepdad) I was raised by a Mum who said all the right things "you can be, or do anything you want" - but the reality of that was " as long as you don't do better than I do"

In my third family (the Soho Years) I had a group around me that loved me unconditionally and I had the bravery to soar, soar, soar .......................... I was creative and brave and productive and had so much fun.

My fourth family(with my boys) ......................... well I am back home close to my Mum - and have realised that I am regressing ...................................


OUCH!!!! FW - I know I have said it before but this PD stuff is HARD!!!!

A toast to us each finding our solutions:beer:

MG

Firewalker

There is a way forward, I just know it. I am my hardest master - and I probably should become a benevolent one instead of a 'slave-driver' kind of one. A friend was telling me the story of his brother who was a talented musician and was about to make it really big. But he wanted it so much that got ill just before that.

Wisdom can come from different places; even mass culture. This one is from a movie called Cool Runnings:

"If you are not enough without it you will never be enough with it.".

Interestingly, I don't think that anyone is expecting me to do anything - except me, this is. Now I am expecting myself to finish a large report in about 30 hours (this is much more than what Tim Ferriss advises) - thank goodness I have already written a number of texts about it. Wish me luck, think about me and if I don't appear here before tomorrow lunch time (hard to believe as this may be) this only means that I am drowning in the ways to study impact (some of the stuff I am working on has to do with what we are puzzling over - how to connect outcomes and actions in a very complex social universe). Fun stuff, this all is (Yoda is waking up)!

Firewalker

ani_26

Hmm the conflict between cultural tradition and western idealism, probably hits harder when you try and mix the two.


I could never understand why, when i was a child my mum was constantly asking me if i loved her. Of course i do, mum. Will you look after me in my old age? Of course i will mum. After all, there is no closer bond than the bond between someone who has given birth to you. Of course, she eventually drove me away. I tried to do what i could to help, because, even after everything, i still loved her. Which doesn't mean to say you have to like a person. Do you love your sister fw? Do you allow yourself to experience these sorts of emotions, as you maybe said previously, you don't? Love can be very powerful, and also very destructive. Look at Cheryl C. Any one on the outside would say she is mad, acceptance of intorerable behaviour. But none of us is perfect.

Do you feel a moral obligation? a cultural obligation? love or pity ? for your sister. I don't know your sisters situation, but imagine for one moment she were me?


How would this make you feel. I suppose i shouldn't ask this question, as the answer will more than likely be, guilty?


I personally think that although its maybe an outdated " system " and goes too far in the other direction, certain cultures had it spot on. There are certain things i don't agree with, but yes, the whole family as a unit, has strength in soceity, as its own unique support group. Money can't buy you this. On the other hand we live in a selfish soceity of western commercialism, consumerism and greed. But then, this is the appeal to so many people.

Yes, i'm making generalisations again, but these are my thoughts.

Karmacat

Firewalker wrote: »

Today DS3 and OH went to Southport Air Show and it appears that they had great time. When they came back we made pizza and DS3 helped. He was getting every thing for himself and moving flawlessly around the kitchen(s). then he looked at me and said:

"Now I know where everything is I can look after myself. It is nice to be free."

Yes, my son, it is nice to be free. I am so pleased that at your age you not only appreciate freedom but know that freedom comes with knowledge. Our world would have been so much better if more people understood that.

Firewalker

Morning! I've just been reading the last few pages - I've found it difficult, as I'm constantly at this sort of crossroads myself, without the debt now, but also without the level of income, but the issues seem so similar. And reading about family relationships, and your sister, and then I came across this post on the previous page - DS3 has really hit on something here! He feels free because he can look after himself, because he can exercise his self responsibility - honestly, Firewalker, you sound like you've been so busy trying to look after not only yourself but everyone else, that you've kind of lost sight of the fact that all these other people, even tho they're in your family, they also have their own journey, and they have to be responsible for themselves, just like DS3 was delighted to learn.

I hope this wasn't OTT...