Learn to control money but do not allow it to control you

adrisco

Tricia you have made my day! It's been a while since I was described as very young. Happily I do find that things are improving. Have been married to my second husband for five years.. a man who respects me and does not "shout me down" .. so I am OK at home, but still nervous in work situations, especially meetings and courses that involve role play (Ugh). Am plugging away though!

elantan

it's very true though kc i do admire you greatly ... always have done

can i just say for the record ... i love hearing different points of views and opinions .... the more different from mine the better ... they make me re-evaluate my own ... i also love to hear opinions similar to my own as i recognise alot of myself in them ....

i was brought up never to talk back etc ... had an abusive childhood ... but i think with the family moving aorund as much as we did i had to learn to grow a pair so to speak ... then for years i was an angry person ( dealing with all my issues) so i would literally tear people apart with my tongue .... i've now settled into being a much more content and happy person ... i love hearing other views and questioning both myself and them ( if i think they are really wrong ... as in racism etc) and i love discussion ... maybe that's why i like politics, psychology and sociology

so for my benefit (sorry for kinda taking over fw) please feel free to discuss things ...

Firewalker

Good afternoon, my friends. I am very pleased to see this kind of conversation – because it is fundamental to the spirit of this tread. This tread is about learning and the best learning is done in discussion. So let us make it a discussion place that is the envy of many debating clubs. As regular readers and contributors already know one thing I do here is question and reflect; some people do it with me; others do it in their own time. Lately, it has been great to see more people posting, more people expressing opinion.

Discussion and debate are probably the best way to move forward: if we do not debate with other people we debate things in an internal dialog – I know I do. Examining our basic assumptions helps us grow and develop – otherwise we easily end up ‘doing the same thing and getting the same result’. Otherwise we get stuck in a rut. So, discussion and debate are extremely valuable.

Where problems come is when discussion becomes an argument or a fight for dominance. I believe that the difference between a discussion and an argument is that the former is a rational debate of issues and the latter emotional sling match that can easily become personal and as a rule is unpleasant.

I want discussion on this tread and the more the better – it will help us figure things together and so much faster than on our own. I really would like everyone to feel comfortable enough to express an opinion – but also prepared to debate it and if compelling argument is put forward to change their position. I want all this to be done in a spirit of mutual respect and positive assumptions – any suspicion that people are out there to get us should be put aside. Every time one of us feels hurt by something that has been said we need to ask the question ‘is it what was said or is it where I am’. I am with Socrates on this one; he said that there is a sun in each and every one of us – we just have to give it the chance to shine.

This is our chance. This is my chance – to offer, give and receive support; to think aloud and have a reaction; to listen to others and to react. When I write about something I don’t want to be right – what is right is for people to decide for themselves. But I like making people question and examine; I like supporting people who want to get out of a box. Because when one is in a box, as we all are, this is their universe and most of us need someone from outside our box to break free.

Firewalker

Karmacat

Totally agree with your post, FW, and you *are* a wonderful influence on encouraging debating, you know I've just bolded three of the phrases/sentences you've used that made me think, ooh, I wish I'd used those!

Firewalker wrote: »

Discussion and debate are probably the best way to move forward: if we do not debate with other people we debate things in an internal dialog – I know I do. Examining our basic assumptions helps us grow and develop – otherwise we easily end up ‘doing the same thing and getting the same result’. Otherwise we get stuck in a rut. So, discussion and debate are extremely valuable.

Where problems come is when discussion becomes an argument or a fight for dominance. I believe that the difference between a discussion and an argument is that the former is a rational debate of issues and the latter emotional sling match that can easily become personal and as a rule is unpleasant.

I want discussion on this tread and the more the better – it will help us figure things together and so much faster than on our own. I really would like everyone to feel comfortable enough to express an opinion – but also prepared to debate it and if compelling argument is put forward to change their position. I want all this to be done in a spirit of mutual respect and positive assumptions – any suspicion that people are out there to get us should be put aside. Every time one of us feels hurt by something that has been said we need to ask the question ‘is it what was said or is it where I am’. I am with Socrates on this one; he said that there is a sun in each and every one of us – we just have to give it the chance to shine.

Triciaxx

Thank you FW and KC. I do agree with you both. Also, I think there is a 'right time' to take on board ideas and rethink a viewpoint. I have very different views - indeed, I am a very different person - than when I was younger.

Some of that is experiences, even what seemed at the time like bad ones, and some is observing, reflection, discussion, reading, etc. So anyone who doesn't 'get' anything that is brought up in postings, just file it away for another day. It may strike you with a light bulb moment later.

On the other hand, remember that you cannot focus on your navel and the horizon at the same time. Balance is important. (That's a reminder to me who over-analyses things and doesn't get things done. )

Firewalker

Triciaxx wrote: »

On the other hand, remember that you cannot focus on your navel and the horizon at the same time. Balance is important. (That's a reminder to me who over-analyses things and doesn't get things done. )

Snap! I am a natural analyser as well - have made it my mission to start acting. But without understanding, knowledge and preparation action can be ineffective or even a disaster.

So we think, discuss, re-think and do; assess, think, discuss and do...

Firewalker

MrsMoo2U

Firewalker wrote: »

Snap! I am a natural analyser as well - have made it my mission to start acting. But without understanding, knowledge and preparation action can be ineffective or even a disaster.

So we think, discuss, re-think and do; assess, think, discuss and do...

Firewalker

I like to think that I have much more balance these days than the old self. I do act much more quickly rather than thinking things out all of the time. Mr C on the other hand thinks and analyses everything. So much so that even the smallest of jobs or issues start to overwhelm him. He is also a perfectionist so I reckon that it is easier to not do a job than to do it and it not be perfect (although he doesnt agree with my analysis of the matter)

Firewalker

Cheri, until very recently I used to joke that I can publish many volumes of selected intentions. Have been fighting the paralysis with all I have - and am getting so much better at that. OH is similar - and he now agrees with me so we are dealing with perfectionism, analysis-paralysis and dreams that never get translated into anything else together.

But, it is so hard to face and approach that one probably has to have had their 'crisis' to get there. Or as Tricia put it: to have got there in there own time.

Firewalker

claudiac_2

I am trying to address my basic assumptions about money, I have not done this in the past and it is true that if you do not question and analyze then you are likely to continue to do things the same way and end up with the same results. I am not as articulate as a lot of the posters on your thread. and it is difficult for me to put in words what am trying to say, but I know that I always read with interest, and a lot of what I read makes me think. That must be good? This is the first thread I look at each day to see what pearls of wisdom you are putting out FW! It is my (bad) relationship with money which drew me to your thread in the beginning, and a lot of what you say here and on your blog is starting to make some sense to me, but I have still got a lot to learn, and since I am no longer a spring chicken I better get a grip soon or it will be too late! Lucky for me that my OH is much more sensible with money, pity it has taken so long but we have finally realized that I have the great ideas for making it and he is the one who must control it,(I can spend like it's going out of fashion, though usually not on myself!) so now we are planning a different way forward than I ever could have thought a year ago.
I have an internal 'mantra' in which I tell myself 'something will turn up' and to be honest it usually does.Does that make me a natural optimist? Since reading the Secret it has reinforced the thought, so now I am looking at the actual nuts and bolts of what I want from life, how to get it etc. Makes my head hurt but I am so sure that we will get there, with a little help from you and all the other good people here.
I was about to delete this post before I posted it but I think the time has come for me to say something sensible ( it makes sense to me!)

MrsMoo2U

FW analysis- paralysis, I love that. Yes I realise that we all have to get to that point under our own steam but I do wish Mr C would get there with regards to some things. It is not only him that is paralysed but me also as I live in his house (although he tells me it is mine too) I cannot just get on and do things without him agreeing and he always has to think about it first!

Claudiac, thanks for that post. I do believe that I just had a bit of a flicker of light. I have always thought in my head "something will turn up" and it always does. I have, however, never looked for ways to make extra money. I know that I have a bad relationship with money but more from the point of view of always believing that I will struggle unless I have X amount of pounds left at the end of the month. This is because I remember too well sitting in the dark with no food waiting for My Dad to arrive home on payday. I never spend money on myself but I have, time and again, bailed other people out - starting at the age of 16 with my Mum and continuing on. I think you just made me realise that when you said you "spend like its going out of fashion but never on yourself". Well I dont spend (period) and then use all my hard earned savings to help others out but never seem to get it back. What is that all about? I shall ponder how to turn this around and how to deal with making sure that I start spending on me. Thanks