Advice re. my irritation

Treacly

I've gotta say, he sounds really really irritating! But I'm allergic to arrogant, thoughtless, self-obsessed men who expect their partners to pander to their moods and bite their tongues even when they behave badly. He sounds like a big kid. Why don't you forget being irritated and try being ANGRY? See how he reacts to that?

ixwood

Treacly wrote: »

I've gotta say, he sounds really really irritating! But I'm allergic to arrogant, thoughtless, self-obsessed men who expect their partners to pander to their moods and bite their tongues even when they behave badly. He sounds like a big kid. Why don't you forget being irritated and try being ANGRY? See how he reacts to that?

There's behaving badly and there's leaving the toilet seat up, or a towel on the floor. I think you need some perspective.

As for getting angry, be prepared for the consequences if you do. Getting angry over something so petty, could be the end of the relationship. Why stay with some domineering, aggressive, whinger?

euronorris

Oh no, I can see this thread turning into a battle of the sexes.

Treacly

ixwood wrote: »

There's behaving badly and there's leaving the toilet seat up, or a towel on the floor. I think you need some perspective.

But the OP said he was arrogant and self-obsessed, not me!

bertiebots

I think someone hit the nail on the head with regards to communication. You need to say exactly what you mean to a man .
For eg..he asks you "what you would like for your birthday?", and you say "I am not bothered" despite what you consider hints like bricks for that latest perfume over the previous 4 months.
He hears.."she doesnt want anything for her birthday!" The hints will never have even registered.
What you need to say is "I want that perfume!".Show him a picture if needs be!:rotfl:

I trying to make sure that myself and dh take the time to talk with no distractions (I find his mind wonders towards something else otherwise) and sit together and talk so that we both pay each other attention. This helps to prevent the "are you listening to me?".

londoner1998

joyfull wrote: »

Making lists etc is a good practical way of eliminating trigger situations & a good idea. There's a saying that we should chose our battles & I think that is another way of just 'letting things go'. A lot of irritation is just ruminating over & over about stuff rather that stopping, smelling the roses & moving on.

Thanks for the reply, appreciate your thoughts on this - you've got me thinking & also it's reassuring I'm not alone in this.

NO, you are not alone. It is perfectly normal and I don't think you should feel guilty about it- it is about compromise and he shdul also make an effort.
One thought though - if you are going through the menopause, do not underestimate the impact that the hormonal changes will have in your mood and your resistance to 'challenging situations. I am 35 and know that when I am tired, I don't have any resistance to anything. After a bereavement it has taken me almost three years to get my nervous system to a state in which I can manage frustration, and annoying situations. These days I know that I can be fantastic, not snapping, taking it a bit easier with OH (who is also, a mess) an generally letting go, until after a week of late nights, pressure at work and tiredness, all hell breaks loose. I was like that last night, couldn't take it anymore and finally cracked. I feel awful today as I said things that were not nice, and an argument could have been avoided. But I also know that I was against my limist already last week and I have been running on empty for days now, and may be I just needed to get things out.
I woudl suggest making sure you get space and time to rest if you are feeling ratty... and if you can avoid the trigger situations, although these will be present in all areas of life.

Ax

londoner1998

bertiebots wrote: »

I think someone hit the nail on the head with regards to communication. You need to say exactly what you mean to a man .
For eg..he asks you "what you would like for your birthday?", and you say "I am not bothered" despite what you consider hints like bricks for that latest perfume over the previous 4 months.
He hears.."she doesnt want anything for her birthday!" The hints will never have even registered.
What you need to say is "I want that perfume!".Show him a picture if needs be!:rotfl:

I trying to make sure that myself and dh take the time to talk with no distractions (I find his mind wonders towards something else otherwise) and sit together and talk so that we both pay each other attention. This helps to prevent the "are you listening to me?".

God, are you describing my OH? A fly distracts him from the most thrilling conversation!!

euronorris

bertiebots wrote: »

I think someone hit the nail on the head with regards to communication. You need to say exactly what you mean to a man .
For eg..he asks you "what you would like for your birthday?", and you say "I am not bothered" despite what you consider hints like bricks for that latest perfume over the previous 4 months.
He hears.."she doesnt want anything for her birthday!" The hints will never have even registered.

Soooo true! I give mine a list of things I would like, ranging in price and then he can choose from the list. I get what I want and he doesn't have to read my mind.

He does have a rubbish memory too, so he's reminded about birthdays, anniversaries etc before they arrive.

I also just ask him to pick up his dirty clothes, or help with the washing etc, whatever. I'm usually met with 'OK darling' in those cases.

It goes against my nature to approach it in that way, but I've got used to it and whenever I try it a different way, it ends in an argument! lol

Flearoy

''My mum advised me to make a mental list of ten things he does that wind me up and then agree to let them go. E.g., the toilet seat. He does try to remember to put it down but more often than not doesn't and I'm just going to have to live with this''

I've always wondered who decided that the 'seat down' configuration is the default? Would it be unreasonable of him to expect you to leave the toilet seat up so as to enable him to go for a pee that bit more easily, as it seems to be acceptable for women to get 'wound up' when the seat is not in their desired configuration?

Just a thought... might it be a reasonable trade to let the toilet seat issue go, if he, in common with many a man, gets the job of going to see what the funny noise in the night was...

belfastgirl23

I do wonder this with my own DH whether he doesn't listen or whether he forgets

When I'm telling him something I deem important I do do the 'are you listening to me' kind of thing which is not really how I like to speak to someone but at least it gets his attention properly. I'm used now to him not really hearing me on certain things - in fact there are things I tell him when I know he isn't paying proper attention so that I have plausible deniability for going ahead and doing something he won't like.

Seriously though if you're worried about his memory might be worth getting it checked out.