Advice re. my irritation

bertiebots

The phone thing is just what my dh has started doing...the problem is remembering the correct dates in the first place ,as he has entered a few in the wrong month etc lol! At least he tried .

joyfull

paddy's_mum wrote: »

If you have actually put into words directly to him the things that he does that drive you crazy, what part of this "simmering on" is as a direct result of him expecting you to tolerate what he can't be bothered to think aboutand alter?

The things that you mention as being somehow minor are not. Have you yet realised that his 'faults' are based on an arrogant attitude and that perhaps you are "guilty" of nothing more than being taken for granted, and used as a convenient, uncomplaining listening station?

I can't do multi quotes in one reply - so I'll reply separately to people!

I know he's arrogant & we've talked about it. But, he's improved a lot and is also very kind & loving in so many ways. He tries very hard to try & remember stuff but his memory is awful.

joyfull

January20 wrote: »

What's wrong with being irritated by these things? I would be irritated too if he had to have the last word whatever (Why does he need to always have the last word?) , if he was to be right even if he was wrong (Can't he accept that sometimes he might be wrong?) , if he forgot what I told him too as he is not a child (Is what you are saying not important enough? he is absent minded?).

I would only get irritated if he over-obsessed about his health.


It feels horrible to be irritated even if it is justified. He does try hard to 'listen' & 'remember stuff'. He is over obsessed about his health. But.... has some wonderful qualities too which is why I'm still with him. Maybe it's feeling guilty about being irritated that I need to sort out.

joyfull

belfastgirl
He forgets trivial type stuff, but all the time. Short term memory stuff. Probably not the stuff worthy of rows, but just same old stuff all the time.

bertiebots
Yes, I do feel he doesn't listen. Not because he doesn't care, but his attention span is so short. It can get infuriating & because he does try I feel I 'shouldn't' get annoyed.

ailuro2

Over 10 years together but not living together...

is there an unresolved issue there that makes you frustrated....?

Sometimes the small niggles are because no one wants to admit there's a much bigger issue.

JoJoB

I too suffer from an irritable disposition so I do feel for you.

Wouldn't say I'm cured, certainly have my off days but am much better generally due to a few techniques/insights.

1. Begin each day by reminding myself that I need to have patience. Just being mindful of this simple thing at the beginning of the day really helps the rest of the day go much more smoothly.

2. Having patience doesn't mean holding the irritation inside until you feel fit to burst, rather just taking a step back, reminding yourself what your really want (harmony, nice relationship etc) and realising what you are irritated about doesn't really matter too much.

3. Recognising your triggers. I know you say the menopause is nothing to do with how you feel but be careful not to write off hormonal influences altogether. While the outside sources of my irritation are constant my ability to deal with them rationally certainly suffers at my time of the month. Likewise if I am tired - that's when i am likely to go into meltdown about the rubbish not being taken out. If i am tired or TOTM and being sensible about recognising it I will often flag it up to my OH, and apologise in advance for any snappiness that slips out.

As for solving problems such as how to remember important things - maybe bring it up in conversation that it is bothering you and ask him for suggestions on how to improve the situation (phone diary/diary linked to email account/filofax/calendar on fridge door etc). ask him what he thinks will work.

And of course don't forget about the many annoying habits you probably have that he puts up with!

ixwood

As a man, I have to say.. what a bunch of fussy, ungrateful, whiners! I couldn't imagine getting annoyed by such petty and insignificant things. Life's too short.

It's almost hen pecking. Some men will put up with it, but a lot won't.

ixwood

Are you all Virgos?

Bufger

If you think about it if a man puts the seat down immediately after flushing you're likely to get drops of bogwater on the seat as it splashes up and then you would have additional cleaning duties to prepare the throne for ones bottom.

If women cleaned the toilet as often as they should it wouldnt be dirty and there would be no shame in touching the seat!

i'm off now to hang myself before you all catch me

DVardysShadow

Zimm190 wrote: »

... However, OH has told me that part of the problem comes from the way I say things, eg., instead of saying something like "well well, what's this, another wet towel on the floor, I wonder how that got there?!" (bit exaggerated but you know what I mean) I should be plain and just say "please will you pick your towel up?" or "please will you put the toilet seat down next time?".

I would go with that.

"Is that a wet towel I see on the floor?"
"Yes"

"How did that wet towel get on the floor?"
"I dropped it"

"Wet towels on the floor annoy me!"
"That is interesting, I am completely indifferent to them."

The more contentious a woman thinks the issue is, the more she will skirt around the issue - and the more she will be frustrated by her man making a response to the direct meaning of what she says. And the more attempts she makes at expressing the thought, the more she will be perceived as nagging once he finally gets it. The problem with skirting around it is that the message carries an emotional payload - and once he does get it, the emotional payload has made it bigger than it really is.

Just go for it directly

"Could you sort out your wet towel, please?"
"Certainly"

is probably the lowest profile way of dealing with it. Job done.